still hurting after 7 years of the death of my husband

by margaret
(dundee scotland)

I lost my husband 7 years ago very suddenly and i am still hurting so badly does it get any better well it hasnt for me
I have 2 boys 19 and 26 and they have been so good and patient with me but i seem to clash so much with my youngest whom i used to be so close with , i think its because he reminds me so much of my husband and im still angry that he didnt try harder to stay with us.

I have had a couple of short term relationships but i always end them i often feel something is missing in me and knowone can fill that space.

Im so sad, unhappy, miserable i throw myself into my job then i end up exhausted and stressed. i just dont know which way to turn anymore.

Comments for still hurting after 7 years of the death of my husband

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Dec 01, 2014
by: Anonymous

7 years today for my husband I relive every minute of his sudden illness, a virus, 3 days and he was gone, for me it is best to spend the day quietly, laughing, crying and thinking.

Aug 28, 2014
the pain still hits me
by: Anonymous

I lost my partner 9 years ago and the pain of it still sneaks up on me. The guilt is the hardest part to deal with. I'm married with a 2yr old son but even this joy can be overwhelmed by the loss. Maybe it's the circumstances in which she died that makes it hard for me to let go. It was sudden,she died 2 weeks before our wedding day,I was there when she died, she even called to me when she collapsed so she knew something was was boxing day, I was on Christmas leave from the military and down stairs relaxing, she had been a bit ill over Christmas so was relaxing in bed when she called out to me. I didn't realise anything was wrong so didn't rush up stairs. When I went into the bedroom she was Sat up on the bed. I asked what she wanted but she didn't reply. Next thing I knew she started to have convulsions. Now my younger brother suffered with epilepsy all his life so I reacted as if that was the problem, I laid her back on the bed and made sure there was nothing around her that could hurt her. Then she just stopped, everything stopped including her breathing. I panicked, and instead of getting her off the bed onto a solid surface, I started to do CPR and mouth to mouth on the bed, at the same time I knew I needed help. I tried to find a phone but for some reason couldn't find one .so I had to leave her there a bang on our neighbour's door. I was gone from her for a maximum of 40 seconds. I went back in and the neighbours followed and called an ambulance while I tried to continue mouth to mouth. At this point I was so freaked out that I was starting to vomit so the neighbour had to take over mouth to mouth whilst I carried on with the chest compressions. That was bad too because I could feel her ribs breaking under the force of the CPR. The ambulance arrived and had to shock her with the defibrillator to get her heart started again. We managed to get a pulse and were straight off to hospital. She survived for five days in a coma before the doctors told me she was completely brain dead and it was only the machines keeping her alive. I made the decision to turn them off on January 05. I promised to protect her and failed, I promised that if she died before me that I'd be right behind her, and failed. The guilt is sometimes unbearable. I don't think I'll ever get over it or forgive myself for not being able to save her or keeping my promises.

Apr 06, 2014
To those who still hurt after many years
by: Keeping us all in prayer

I have found this site for the same reason we are all here.
Yes, having your spouse die is probably one of lives most difficult and miss understood events in the natural order of things. My 28 year marriage ended quickly 12 years ago and I still miss him to the point of sobbing in private. Is that ok, Yes!
I have created a life for myself, retired, took care of a parent that has passed. Have one sister living, but we are not close, 11 year age difference caused this distance, plus we are completely different personality types. My husbands family walked at the funeral, have not heard from them. Could not have children and have had lots of things happen to me with friends not being there, when I needed them, etc., like many other widows.

I am not telling you this to feel sorry for me, these are the facts. I am strong in my Christian walk and this helps greatly, but I know God understands that faith in him is not the same as having a warm heart and body to be with each day. He has given me a peace, but I am still human.
He gave me this wonderful person and we tried to do as much of God's work as we could, while we were together.
Will I find someone else? If God sends them to me,like he did my husband, yes. If not, then it is ok. Will God provide ? Yes.
Is it okay to miss what he once gave me? Yes,there will always be times I will wish for what once was, because it was such a blessing.

So don't feel bad if you are going and doing things, moving on, but still cry and crave the love who has gone ahead of you. If you have a new person in your life they need to understand, if not, move on. Your husband is part of your life memories, just like high school or college memories and you should be able to talk about them and not have it threaten the person you are with. Oh forgot to tell you I am a retired therapist/counselor.
The healthy couples that have remarried, will go to the grave yard together and have a picture or two of past family and spouse. If both are widowed, this is healthy for all. Remember, for those of us who go to heaven, we will be one big family anyway.

So when I miss my honey, I cry and then remember a bible verse, Proverbs 3 5-6, Trust in The Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all thy ways acknowledge him! and he will direct your path.
So when I am sobbing, I thank God, ask him to hold me close and to tell my loved ones, I am ok, just really miss them.
May you find peace and joy most of the time. But let the tears flow when you need to.

Sep 23, 2013
its been 7 years
by: Anonymous

Anniversary is a couple of weeks of my spouse's death. And I feel my heart will not mend, time just stitches slowly, I miss his smile and his laughter!
I just keep busy, honestly my dog is what keeps me here, she loves me and needs me.

Mar 14, 2013
7 years also
by: Anonymous

i think the person who says 7 years is too long is full of it...I also lost my husband 7 years ago and have two i dealt w certain parts of grieving over the years....but im now realizing Im at the anger stage. It so hard for me to admit it cause why on earth should we be angry at the deceased? well ill tell you why i am, I went through alot with my husbands drug addicton always keeping hope and praying for it to get better...then the next thing you know he ends up w a heart condition and actually passes away from an unexpected the time he had been in hospital getting better...thought this could be the time he started over..worried so many nights he wouldnt come home or was dead somewhere....but he ends up passing away from something totally different and in the care of doctors....i was 28 and he was 30 years old. our sons was 2 and 9 years old. We had been together since i was 15 years old. so for someone to say 7 years is too long to still be grieving and having certain feelings, really has no right to say that everyone grieves differently...and yes i am now mad...i am mad we went through hell for it to end the way it did, i am mad i am now raising two sons alone...i know this too shall pass...but the missing him and wanting him back will last til the day i die....

Jan 30, 2013
for Margaret dundee Scotland
by: Anonymous

It's been 7 years that I also lost my husband from a sudden heart attack. I still miss him every day. I have moved forward and everyone thinks I'm just fine now. There is no grief expiration. I found this site by searching for this very subject to see if others still feel as I do. I was married 30 years and I have no desire to date others for I would be unfairly comparing them to my spouse. I have yet to see one other person out there who compares to him. Trying not to compare isn't an option for my brain at this time.
One of the viewers suggested you try Jesus Christ and all would be well. I am a Christian and it is my Faith and relationship with the Lord that has gotten me through all of this and He comforts me yet I still miss my husband as much today as the day he suddenly died. He had never been ill in his life and we were just thinking about our next 20 years together and retirement. We had just lost all 4 of our parents and dealing with all of their loss.... so today I am still in and out of grieving for all of them. Yet I look quite normal and live a 'normal' life and act normal yet inside my heart still breaks for the loss of my husband. "Two shall become one" was certainly true in my case. I've been amputated and half of me is gone. You move forward but you know your limbs are missing and you see if every day. Don't let anyone tell you to get over your grief... there are tools to put into use and many helps but your grief is yours and there are many out here that feel the same way. And losing your spouse is so very much different than losing parents. I lost them all and loved them all and had wonderful relationships with all of them and our lives were all about family so trying to figure out a new life after living 54 years with all of them is not something you do in a year or two or five. So stay the course and keep moving forward one day at a time.

Apr 22, 2012
by: Anonymous

what u are missing is jesus Christ in your life, ask him to come into your heart and help you, its easy to do, just try it, what can it hurt. You need grief counseling, this amount of time is very long. Your child is suffering along with you, seek help for him. Grieving does suck, I just lost my mom 2 months ago. I sat out in the dark and cried like a baby last weekend. I even went to the dr. for help, then i met a young man at the park yesterday, he helped me so much talking about heaven. Seek God so you can go to heaven yourself. Am I cured of my grief, na, but now I have hope, and before yesterday I had none.

Apr 20, 2012
Hope this Is Helpful
by: Anonymous

Margaret, It's s a rough road this grief. But we have the responsibility to ourselves to go forward and be happy for we don't know how long our own journey is. You will always have that corner for your husband but he was not respnsible for leaving . It was god's will be done. 7 years is a long time to still feel the way you do. We must behave our way out of grief. All the grieving in the world will not bring our mates back. We must give ourselves permission to move on and find happiness with others. I could say that if I sit and let my feelings and thoughts run to my dead husband all the time then he is controlling me from the grave.If I tell myself I will never love again then I won't.
You must leave room in your heart for more love and you know you have it to give because we are all left with the love in our hearts that we could no longer give to our husbands.
AS for your son , he can't help he looks like your husband. He is a product of you and your husbands love and you should embrace him and not make him feel he's done something wrong by looking like his father. You are so blessed your son's have been supportive of you so you must be supportive of them.
If you can get to a therapist. 7 years is too long.

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