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Still hurting, lost and lonely

by Connie
(Halethorpe, MD)

This will be my second post. I lost Mike suddenly on 2/12/10 due to a massive heart attack while we were sleeping. I still have those images in my head, my heart still hurts today as much as it did then and I miss his face, his touch and his companionship. I work and I continue to raise our youngest child of 15 alone. When I got up this morning I could tell I was already in a funk and I knew how the day was going to progress. I didn't want to be around anyone.

I'm crying while I type this. I looked at his photo on the mantle and just started crying because my heart hurts so much. I tried to locate some type of support group in my area and couldn't really find anything.

I just don't feel like I have a life anymore. I feel like I am going through the motions each day for everyone but me. I don't even know what it is I need to do for me anyway. I never envisioned my life like this and I'm sure no one has that has lost their spouse. It is supposed to be our time to be together and we were looking forward to it. We had raised two children and Mark was 15 and on his way to adulthood. We finally had some time to just be together and talk without the exhaustion that comes with raising children.

I'm sorry - I'm just rambling. Perhaps this wasn't the best time to post. My mind is going in a million directions right now.

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Still hurting, lost and lonely

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Still hurt etc
by: Judy

Connie,

When your mind is scrambled and you feel you are rambling on, that is the best time to come here and post because we ALL know what that feels like and we've all been there. Grief is disorderly and confusing. You never know what any day is going to bring emotionally until it's arrived. You just have to keep going on through that day and eventually it will pass. Over time things will seem less bleak. You probably don't believe that now, and probably don't want to hear it either. So just keep hanging on and remember we will be here for you.

JM

still hurting, lost and lonely
by: Mari

I understand Connie. Losing a loved one is the hardest thing to go through. We are here for you. It sounds as if you are going through the many stages of grief. We have lost a part of ourselves.Each day brings a memory. Some days are more difficult then others.
My husband passed away Nov 22 2009.He told me he loved me and went to sleep beside me and in the morning I could not wake him up. The police came and family came from all over and the pastor. I have so much respect for our police dept as they were so kind and caring and am thankful for all my children and grandchildren and my mom 85 yrs old who has stood by me.My dad said I needed a new computer and bought me one because ''they have to take care of me.''I am 66 and still being taken care of by my earthly and heavenly father too.
I am sorry my husband never got to see the great grandbaby, Aubree, and there have been more grandchildren since he passed away.I do work managing the complex here plus a part time job and it helps.
But I am lonely.
Our favorite restaurant burned to the ground and is being rebuilt. It makes me realize that I have to rebuild my life.
I feel a kind of loneliness everywhere I go or when I prepare a meal for one.God has been with me all the way.
It is wonderful to have a place like this board to go and say what you feel. You always have a place to go and we are here for you. I know it has to be difficult for your son too.And your feelings are understandable and we all care for you. Keep posting.

Still hurting, lost and lonely
by: Pat J

Trish,

My mom called me that, and the past few years my husband often called me by that name. Trish this, Trish that.
My husband died sitting up on the side of our bed. He woke up, I asked him if something was wrong; he said no, would I get him something to drink. He took two sips, put the glass down on the dresser, his head went down and I didn't realize at the time, but he was gone. I won't ever forget that. His mom is still living, she's 91. She asked me if he suffered and I could honestly tell he had no pain. He never said a word, he just slipped away. I didn't realize myself he had died, until I tried to get him back in bed and there wasn't any response from him. Our 40 yr. old son still lives with us so I asked him to help me get him back in bed. Our son literally lifted his dad in bed and laid him down. I wasn't ready to accept he was gone. Had my son call the rescue squad and I did CPR, but I now realize he was already gone. He did have a perfect death. My dad went that way, only he died alone. I was right beside my husband, so he wasn't alone. It doesn't make me hurt any less though. I sometimes feel I will never really be happy again. He was the love of my life. I just am taking it one day at a time. It is easier said than done though.

lost hurt and lonely...
by:

Connie,

My husband was only 45 when he died. I felt cheated out of the life we should have had together. My Son was only 11 when he died he is now 13. It has been almost 2 years (Dec 6th 2009) since he died. I know that for a very long time I was ? envious? Jealous and angry at all the couples holding hands still loving each other and I had....Nothing but memories to hold on to.

I am not angry anymore at God, My husband for "Leaving me" with all this responsibility, or mad at myself for being unable to function. Your last sentence about being scrambled in thought really hit close to home with me.

I was so unable to think clearly that I actually had a ADD test done.
And though my memory is not my strong suit, nor never has been, Grief took what little working memory that I had and depleted it even more...

Please be kind to yourself, especially in early grief. This site this place is the only place in which I felt safe to voice all the idiosyncracies that come with grief.

We will never be the same and we need to be easy on ourselves after all life is hard enough on us...especially where death is concerned.
HH

Hurting, lost and lonely
by: M Mack

Connie,

Loosing your other half, your life and love is a traumatic experience. Every word you say is what everyone goes through. We have some good and some bad days and that's just what the surviving part of grief is all about. I did the same things you are doing right now. I was going through the motions of normal, and not in touch with what I needed. Please take your time as you go through these stages. You are never alone and we understand your pain.

I am in the 14th month of my stages of grief and it does get better and easier to cope with day to day normal. Yes you will still experience very sad days and cry over the memories the two of you had but the pain is lighter and not as heavy as in the beginning. Are you a member of a church or is there a clergy nearby for support? Maybe something you might look into for guidance. It will get better but for now, you have to take care of you and you will find some peace. Sending prayers and hope you need to survive this pain. My best to you.

I feel the same way
by: Annie

Connie. I lost my Clyde on December 21, 2010. I know what you are going through. In a lot of the grief books I read, the experts said that you go through the shock and denial stage for a couple of months after the death. I think I stayed in that stage for a good seven months because now I am starting to feel the full effects of the loss. I am also hurting, lost and lonely. I feel I am on the outside watching my life go on. I smile, I carry on conversations, I go to work, I take care of my responsibilities but it is all like I'm going through the motions. I too am revisting the time when he was sick and when he died. And along with that I am feeling the guilt (I should have done that and not that), the anger (why didn't his friends and family spend more time with him and his doctor could have done more), and the self-pity (why him and why me). This phase is like being in school and having to take a spelling test. You have to keep going back to revisit the words to get them right before you can move on with new words. I hope I am making sense. We have to keep going back through the phases of this grief until hopefully one day we will come to terms with what happened and can move on. We will never be the same but I hope for that day I can remember something about Clyde and smile. I do love him now as much as I loved him when we got married 31 years ago. I have accepted this madness called grief and realize that all the pain I am going through is because of how much I loved him and how lucky I was that I had him in my life. The pain is a testament of what a beautiful and good man he was inside and out. So bring it on grief--I will meet you head on because of my great love for this man.

Please remember you are not alone. You have me walking down that same path you are. Connie, take care of yourself, don't give in, and don't give up. I will leave you with this

No matter how much pain you are in
There is something inside of you stronger than the pain
You call it God, the soul or the human spirit
It is found only when you have been broken or abandoned
Because you are the one who holds onto what is left

Love of Mike
by: Geoffrey campbell

Dear, dear Connie, I wept as I read your letter, I too am in grief and though for me the grief does not leave, and have found a balm that makes getting through the day easier.. I read passages in this book that is free on the internet and it really helps me. It is called http://thedesireofages.com/
I cry every day, but I find help indeed from recover-from-grief, and it helps me to attempt to help others who are going through what i am. The days without our loved one are painful, and we will forever miss their presence, but not forever in the absolute sense of the word, for their is hope, and assurance too, that goes beyond this earthly coil. But know this too, that we who read your letter will also be praying for you, as none can understand except those who have lost too. Sincerely, your friend in Pennsylvania USA

Okay to Ramble On
by: Judith in California

Connie, if you look further into this website under Lost Spouse/True Love you will find a total support group to help you understand that what you are feeling and will feel for a long time is part of your "New Normal" as we have dubbed it. So ramble on any time you feel like it because it's how you get your feelings out and move forward. We don't judge here as we all have gone or are going through it.
I'm two weeks away from a year in this grief cycle. It's the hardest thing you will ever do and it's a bumpy roller coaster ride so buckle up and know that we will be here to support you anytime.

God give you the strength to move forward to find acceptance and peace .

Still hurting, lost and lonely;
by: Anonymous

I'm sorry about your loss. I know well the feeling of feeling lost and lonely. I lost my husband on 11/21/10 and the pain of loss and lonliness is an everyday thing to which I just can't seem to get over. Even when spending time with family, my mind will still tend to wander to better times when he was alive, life was so much better and easier. Trying to adjust to life by myself has been on the rather difficult. All my best to you and your son and family. Counceling has helped to a point. Take things one day at a time and one step at a time.

Maryland
by: Zoe

When you are going a million different ways is when you should post
Rambling what we do here, we ramble, reminise scream and cry
You are stll very new to grief, I know it doesn't feel that way but you have had very little time
My John was taken from me 17 months ago
Right now the numbness that takes over when there is that kind of loss is starting to go away, you are feeling like the pain is new again. It is grief
I liken it to being on a ship in rough seas you are slammed first one way then another you fight to get your footing but you never really do
Come here whenever you need to talk
We are always here
And remember when all else fails
One step one breath one day at a time

Me Too....Still Hanging In There
by: TrishJ

Connie~
Any time you feel the need to post is the best time. We have no idea when these funky moods will hit. It was 9 months yesterday that I lost my husband also to heart disease. I am a widow at 58 and nothing about that feels right. We too had raised our children and should've been having the time of our lives enjoying our adult children and beautiful grandsons. Instead it's, "Grandpa is in heaven." I found it comforting at first from these little guys. I seem to find it annoying now. I go through days of anger when I see other couples our age walking through the store, holding hands, laughing. I'm crying and continue to die inside a little bit each day. I pretty much do everything alone since my children have their young families to raise and none of my friends have lost their husbands.
It's devastating. Nothing about our life is the same. All we can do it do our best. I put my faith in God and know he will see me through this. I'm just very impatient. I want the pain gone NOW!! I know it will never fully go away. I will say a little prayer for you. Please come here and post whenever you need to. We are all here for you.
God bless.

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