Still hurts 4 years later!
In a few days, it will be 4 years since my divorce, today the pain is just a bad as that day in the courthouse. We both messed up, but I just can’t seem to get past it, some day’s I feel great, other the pain and loss is almost too much to bear. Here is my story. I met my wife in high school, high school sweethearts. I have never been as happy in my life as I was in those days, I loved her so much and was so happy. We stayed together through college, and planned to be together the rest of our lives, no one had ever made me feel so good or happy. We were married after college, and that’s when the tough times hit, we had almost nothing but debt from school, and only being in our very early 20’s I don’t think we where ready for what we were doing. We still loved each other very much, but were not yet prepared or mature enough for what we were undertaking. We fought and grew apart, she pressed on, and I became depressed. It made things even worse. I couldn’t believe that I was going thorough this with someone I loved so much. She didn’t understand my depressed feeling and action and we just struggled. I admit, I was immature and made mistakes, maybe more than she did, and it haunts me to this day. About 2 years into our marriage, at the urging of our parents, we just took a break, we both just needed it. About a month or 2 into that break, she was ready to be back together, I was depressed, bitter, and angry and was not. At the urging of her family, a few months later she began the divorce process. As things progressed, my anger and bitterness subsided, and I reached out to her to let her know that I was finally there and wanted to try and make it work, but she had already moved on, it sent me back into a spiral of depression, and in May of 2010, we were divorced. The pain was so great I just did all I could to push it away, I still loved her so much, and she had moved on. Less then a month after our divorce being final, she had a new boyfriend, and he was the opposite of most everything I was. I only made it through this by the grace of God and support from friends and family. I still love and miss her terribly. I feel that I had a chance to get her back and lost it. I feel that not enough was done like counseling and therapy to try and save the good we did have. This haunts me to this day. It makes it even harder, when I would see her moving on and happy, and I just couldn’t get past it. It was hard to deal with the fact that I still loved her, but she did not love me anymore.
About a year and a half after my divorce, I met someone new. Our relationship progressed, and we were married recently. I was alone and sad, and the new relationship seemed to help. I do care for my new wife a great deal, but I still miss my ex and struggle with that loss. It’s very hard sometimes, I just don’t feel the love for my wife that I did for my ex, I still never felt that happiness that she used to make me feel. It causes me more distress, I sometimes feel that I love my ex more and want to be with her more that my wife, it breaks my heart sometimes. I sometimes feel like I let the one I truly loved slip away and I will never be happy again. I sometimes feel that I got remarried for the wrong reasons, and will never feel for my wife like I did for my ex. Sometime all I can do is just sit by myself and cry, lost.
All I want to do is find peace, to come to terms with losing someone who I have loved more than anyone else in the past. I feel like this will never happen. I feel that I lost the person I was supposed to be with, and will never get over her. I feel that I had my chance to get her back, but I didn’t take advantage of it, and we didn’t do enough to save what we had. If I can’t get past this, how will I ever find peace and love with someone else.