Still hurts 4 years later!

In a few days, it will be 4 years since my divorce, today the pain is just a bad as that day in the courthouse. We both messed up, but I just can’t seem to get past it, some day’s I feel great, other the pain and loss is almost too much to bear. Here is my story. I met my wife in high school, high school sweethearts. I have never been as happy in my life as I was in those days, I loved her so much and was so happy. We stayed together through college, and planned to be together the rest of our lives, no one had ever made me feel so good or happy. We were married after college, and that’s when the tough times hit, we had almost nothing but debt from school, and only being in our very early 20’s I don’t think we where ready for what we were doing. We still loved each other very much, but were not yet prepared or mature enough for what we were undertaking. We fought and grew apart, she pressed on, and I became depressed. It made things even worse. I couldn’t believe that I was going thorough this with someone I loved so much. She didn’t understand my depressed feeling and action and we just struggled. I admit, I was immature and made mistakes, maybe more than she did, and it haunts me to this day. About 2 years into our marriage, at the urging of our parents, we just took a break, we both just needed it. About a month or 2 into that break, she was ready to be back together, I was depressed, bitter, and angry and was not. At the urging of her family, a few months later she began the divorce process. As things progressed, my anger and bitterness subsided, and I reached out to her to let her know that I was finally there and wanted to try and make it work, but she had already moved on, it sent me back into a spiral of depression, and in May of 2010, we were divorced. The pain was so great I just did all I could to push it away, I still loved her so much, and she had moved on. Less then a month after our divorce being final, she had a new boyfriend, and he was the opposite of most everything I was. I only made it through this by the grace of God and support from friends and family. I still love and miss her terribly. I feel that I had a chance to get her back and lost it. I feel that not enough was done like counseling and therapy to try and save the good we did have. This haunts me to this day. It makes it even harder, when I would see her moving on and happy, and I just couldn’t get past it. It was hard to deal with the fact that I still loved her, but she did not love me anymore.

About a year and a half after my divorce, I met someone new. Our relationship progressed, and we were married recently. I was alone and sad, and the new relationship seemed to help. I do care for my new wife a great deal, but I still miss my ex and struggle with that loss. It’s very hard sometimes, I just don’t feel the love for my wife that I did for my ex, I still never felt that happiness that she used to make me feel. It causes me more distress, I sometimes feel that I love my ex more and want to be with her more that my wife, it breaks my heart sometimes. I sometimes feel like I let the one I truly loved slip away and I will never be happy again. I sometimes feel that I got remarried for the wrong reasons, and will never feel for my wife like I did for my ex. Sometime all I can do is just sit by myself and cry, lost.

All I want to do is find peace, to come to terms with losing someone who I have loved more than anyone else in the past. I feel like this will never happen. I feel that I lost the person I was supposed to be with, and will never get over her. I feel that I had my chance to get her back, but I didn’t take advantage of it, and we didn’t do enough to save what we had. If I can’t get past this, how will I ever find peace and love with someone else.

Comments for Still hurts 4 years later!

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Jul 23, 2014
Its been 4 years for me also
by: Doreen UK

Being In Love. And loving someone is so very painful, when it doesn't work out. To lose them from your life is painful. Knowing they are alive and living with someone else is crushing because your thoughts will be all over the place. It is a constant battle. The key to most problems we go through is FOCUS. If you focus on your EX enjoying Her life with someone else, it is where a lot of the pain comes from. The very fact she is using you as and when she wants is not RESPECTFUL to you or FAIR. It is emotionally destructive. Your emotions will be up and down. You could go and see a marriage guidance counsellor to try and work with them to find out what is going on with all this emotional entangling. It really is the only best way forward. You will learn more about YOU. Your EX and why she is behaving the way she is. You will learn coping strategies for moving forward and BOUNDARY SETTING. Either way you will start to HEAL from your divorce and have a clearer mind and ability to move forward. As a Christian you will be familiar with the Spiritual battles we fight each day as part of our trials and tribulations. Strong URGES are Spiritual. I had so many of them to kill myself. Tried 13 times and every time it was either the Pastor, Bible worker, or Church member who came to the rescue. God knew what was happening and delivered me from this Spiritual Problem. Spiritual problems are also responsible for marriage break ups. Best talk to your Pastor for Advice and Don't just Pray alone. You need Praying people and good Church support to help you move forward. Spiritual problems are on the increase and many people are confused about what is going on. Commitment in a marriage takes 2 people. Otherwise it can be agony trying to make a relationship work. You have chosen to remain single and celibate because of your Faith and Belief in God. This is good and honourable. When you honour God in your life He is Pleased. Maintain your Integrity and don't give up. I have many testimonies of God's Grace. Lean harder on God for His support and to put the right people in your life to help you resolve this pain and grief you are in. He did it for me. He will do it for you also. God go with you, and Comfort you in your life and give you His Peace and answers you need.

Jul 22, 2014
its been 4 years for me also
by: Anonymous

Just this may was 4 years my wife divorced me but shes never let go nor have I I tried a relationship but got out because I knew I was going to hurt this girl she was one of the nicest people ive ever known. But im still deeply in love with my ex. This has been a literal nightmare I cant wake from. She wants me back for a few months then she doesn't. She has a boyfriend so why in the world can't I let her go. She will not give me any type of a straight answer. Im a born again christian and I talk to God every day I ask Him why these feelings are so strong. I truly know I am in love with her and I feel I always will be.Ill never hurt anyone so I know I have to be single. It doesn't seem fair but the pain I feel over her I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I pray that God will give me peace. I feel like im just fading away deeper into depression. Why can't away

May 16, 2014
Feel so alone
by: Josie

I truly can understand what your going through when I was teenager I found the love of my life and even though we were together for a short time we both proclaimed our love for one another being young & immature we broke up over a petty argument. I cried I begged him to please give me another chance what I didn't understand was that he said we needed a break I took it as were never getting back together. After a few months I met someone else who had a job and started buying me things I was never materialistic but I came from a very dysfunctional family and was looking for love in all the wrong places. I truly believed that my ex wanted nothing to do with me anymore & I was honest with my new boyfriend at the time & told him I love you but I'm not in love with you. He rushed things so fast my head was spinning & in 2 mos. We moved in together thats when I saw the real him he was very abusive & I tried leaving him many times but he had me traumatized. One day I was visiting my Mom & was walking back from the store when my ex blocked me and told me it was time for us to get back together and that he missed me I instantly said yes I was SO happy but then reality set in what am I going to do I could not get away from the guy I was now living with & how was I going to explain that to my ex when he thought I was living with one of my brothers. I never contacted him I always thought that there would be time he would ask my cousin all the time where was I he never knew why I left him hanging. One day I got a call from one of my friends & when she told me I have some bad news I instantly knew it was about George he died in a motorcycle accident. It has now been 34 yrs he has been gone & a day does not go by without me thinking of him and the What if's he was & always will be the love of my life. Im divorced & the only regret I have is I wish my children were his I live for my children and grand babies. True love never dies you just have to learn to live witb it and keep praying to God that you give your wife an opportunity to see the real you it's not fair to her. Maybe once you have a child you will feel the love for her it will never be the same type of love but you will if you give yourself a chance. If I could go back I would but this is life and unfortunately things don't always turn out the way we want I'm just grateful for the time that I had with George may he rest in peace. I am 54yrs old and now I don't even want to date I just pray to God that we will be united in the afterlife. God bless you and your wife.

May 16, 2014
Grow Up- Can't is a child's word
by: Anonymous

Ditto what Doreen wrote. Anyone who knows me knows I don't sugar coat things. So here goes...
Unless you want divorce number two you better get help. Why would you want to hurt your present wife over someone who doesn't give a darn about you. Grow up. You keep saying you married for the wrong reasons. Get some counseling and get in touch with who and what you are as a man. IF you can just up and say marriage vows for no good reason then you are a train wreck waiting to happen in any relationship you're in. It's not fair to your present wife , who has done nothing to deserve such emotional infidelity other than to marry you. IF you won't love your present wife with all your being then you best do her a favor and divorce her and let her find someone who is more deserving of her love. SHE certainly doesn't deserve your kind. Become a man of character and mean what you say and treat others as you would want, with Dignity and respect and honesty

May 16, 2014
Still hurts 4 years later!
by: Doreen UK

I ran out of space but wanted to add to my first post.
It is so very painful to be deeply in love with a girl that you can't imagine life without her but she doesn't feel the same way. It could be terribly wounding perhaps forever. COUNSELLING COULD HELP YOU.
It could also work in the reverse. My husband carried a torch for his EX when we met and married. And I guess this is quite a common problem. I was/am a Christian and decided to Honour God and my husband to the best of my ability. I could do nothing about how my husband thought. I left him alone with his feelings and thoughts. Space to work out in his own mind what he wanted from life. With God's help and power I made every effort to be the best person I could be despite my own human failings and mistakes. I could tell by my husband's distant behaviour that his thoughts were elsewhere. But I just got on with giving the best CARE EVER. I did this for 44yrs. He died of cancer 2yrs. ago.
In his 3yrs battle with cancer I cared for him the best way I could. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. Even give him my life if I could. I loved him more deeper than the ocean. We all have insecurities that can cause wrong thinking. Spend time FORGIVING yourself of your past mistakes, choices, and decisions you made that has affected your life and is still doing so. Only then will you climb out of this pit of pain you are in now. There are no magic solutions. Only Integrity of Character where you make a decision to be COMMITTED and Loyal, and most of all to remember FIDELITY in every way towards your marriage. Making your wife happy will help you to be happy. Then and only then when you have put in the hard work of trying to make it work can you move forward. The only way I met my own needs in marriage/motherhood was to meet the NEEDS OF MY FAMILY. This is true happiness.

May 16, 2014
Still hurts 4 years later!
by: Doreen UK

You should have gone into counselling before you re-married. It is very unfair to your new wife for you to be carrying a torch for your EX. She is your EX and this is all she is.
It is no use going over the past and re-living the "What if's?". It is re-fueling your desire to have your EX, who I may add cares nothing for you. She has moved on with her life and so should you.
I can remember my first love I married and was with for 44yrs. and he died 2yrs. ago of cancer. He was my first and only love and I would have hated to lose him. But if I did I would have had to accept this. It is a mark of MATURITY to accept what has happened and move on with one's life. You are punishing yourself with thoughts of the past. It is wrong to compare different aspects of your relationship with the two women in your life PAST and PRESENT. STOP AND THINK How you would feel if your wife was in the same position as you and carried a torch for her EX. If you change your thinking and thought processes you will change your attitude and behaviour. If you can't do it on your own. Then go see a counsellor who will help you with cognitive behaviour therapy. You owe it to your present wife to Love, Honour, and Respect her. If you can't do this it is unfair to her and you should live on your own if you can't respect the marriage you are in.
My son was advised by myself and husband before he died not to stay with the girl he loved and was besotted with. There was too many danger signals and not a good foundation for a marriage. Even though my son has the perfect makings of being a good husband because of his commitment and fidelity. She was the opposite. But our son went and married this girl anyway. I hope he will be happy. He has to make his own mistakes. REGRETS. We all have them. We have to live with them and LET THEM GO. HARD TO DO. But also a mark of MATURITY. But very necessary for healthy emotional well being.
With your absorbing thoughts of your EX you are guilty of being UNFAITHFULL emotionally to your present wife. You just lack the opportunity to carry out your wishes. You should be concerned about making your marriage work and clear up your wrong thinking of your EX. Only then will you find true happiness. Or it would be kinder to your present wife to let her know how you are feeling and let her go now so she can live her life how she wants to. It would be kinder, otherwise you both may decide later on in life that you don't want to be together and you would face another divorce.
It is possible to ask God to renew your mind and give you a new attitude and behaviour so that you can honour God and your wife and make this marriage work according to the vows you took. Otherwise you would be living a lie and it won't last. Your present wife must know something is wrong as this would show in distant behaviour. Being in love with your EX needs to be resolved. It won't get resolved by itself.

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