Still in pain!!!!

by davesgirl
(Boston,Ma)


Boy did I just get a slap in the face....trying hard to move on. Recently, I was suggested to get back into life by logging on to FB. After the death of my husband, I had become very isolated...we all know about this. Hooking up with prior friends didn't sound so bad. Why not, so the requests were coming, it seems everyone was interested in how I was holding up. To my surprise, my young niece wanted to friend me and I gladly accepted. I logged on to her page and immediately saw her and my husband in a picture that I took at one of our favorite restaurant. Good thing I was closed up in my bedroom, the tears were streaming down. Why is it when you take 1 step forward and 2 behind.

Comments for Still in pain!!!!

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Dec 07, 2015
Still in Pain !!!!
by: Doreen UK

Dave'sgirl I am so sorry for your loss of David and for the raw pain you still feel.
There is no easy way forward. Often when we think we are moving forward we end up with difficulties that set us back and we do take some steps backwards that makes no sense. I think this is just the pattern of grief. We have no guidelines to know what to expect of grief and how we should feel and act towards others when we are grieving. In some company we can feel that we have to behave a certain way whilst crying on the inside. BE YOURSELF. Don't fake how you feel just to appease other's. Grief is a very painful experience and we wish it could be over quickly. But it doesn't happen this way. We have to go through it ONE DAY AT A TIME. Don't have any expectations. Nurture yourself with good things each day and this will help build you up. Don't look too far forward as you will see this emptiness and it will intensify the grief journey. We learn from each other what is normal and it strengthens us to know we are not going mad. Other's have trod this same path and still on their journey and coping and so can you. 3yrs. on I still miss my husband and wish we could have had Christmas together like the old times. But I can't dwell on what was but what I can make of my life now, and be thankful for the memories whilst I try to make new memories with the people I still have left in my life. Grief is a journey we grow and learn from and which will make us stronger for each loss we have in our life. But the loss of a spouse is the most difficult to bear along with the loss of a child. It is somehow more painful. I wish you all the best in the days and months ahead and that you will find a new way forward that will help you recover from grief.

Dec 03, 2015
Been There
by: Doreen UK

Carol Cook I am so sorry for your 3 losses of husbands and for the pain you are still in. Often one hasn't had time to grieve, and then suffer another loss which catches up with them. Hence your crying. Crying is good grief so don't repress it. When your first husband was murdered this was a grief that needs good support to recover from. The type of death affects the way one grieves. You could do with seeing a counsellor to help you resolve the elements of loss and their circumstances and help you cope with the loneliness even when you are not on your own and to help you move forward. Because you are a mom you may have focused on your children and not yourself and thus you are feeling the sadness now and need meds to cope with this. Nothing wrong with meds that offer one support when they need it. But don't see this as the only option to coping with grief. You said that you try to keep busy. Keeping busy of itself can also be a coping mechanism to stop one from facing the pain of grief. It is thus stored up for later and feels that much worse when it unfolds. When you say you keep thinking of the past it is because unresolved grief/issues have no where to go and so come up from the subconsious mind and you may not be able to separate your grief from each loss. It may be tangled up and causing you a type of crying that is bordering on depression. If you can seek professional help this will enable you to grieve each loss and move to a healthier and happier place that will help you as a person to start living again.
When I lost my husband I could not function for 6 months. I took to the couch and stayed there till I felt motivated to move. I felt broken into so many pieces I couldn't put myself back together. I nurtured myself with good things each day and this helped me. I woke up one day and started to feel like my old self and this was the beginning of my way back into life. We each have to find our own way forward but sharing our experiences will also help us to heal knowing that we are not abnormal by not being able to move on with our lives. WE can become STUCK for a long time and stay this way unless we take the initiative to talk it out in a safe environment with someone who understands and can help you tackle the areas that you need exploring. See yourself as valuable and worthy of being loved and happy. Best wishes

Nov 19, 2015
Been there
by: CarolCook

I have a history of losses, my first was a horror story. My first husband was murdered in 1986, my children lost their father to a heinous crime, where he was robbed and beaten to death. My second husband, not for long, was s drunk. My last husband became very disabled and choked to death, we were married for 19 years. I was just sick for a year and a half. I met a very wonderful man and we were in love so much, I did not think it possible. He died last month. He had been in a nursing home for a while first. I feel like I may have PTSD. I seem to get upset easily and stressed too. I cry some days and fret on the past too much. Besides a few health ailments, I just don't seem to have emotional recovery. I have a male friend, who does a lot for me and cares, but I cannot put all my heart into it. I know we are supposed to stay busy and I try very hard, and the rest goes to Faith. I sure do understand what you mean though. I feel alone,when I am not alone. I take meds. for it, but once you become grief stricken enough times, you are broken. I think, not knowing you though, that you have a chance at recovery. I did pretty well after a few years with the first horrible hit. But after so many, I need to step up my socializing and fake it till I make it. I have to do this. I am telling you for both of us. My heart goes out to you.

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