Still In the Middle of It.....by S.
I am in my early 40's, he's in his late 40's. Both never married, and said we both wanted the same things...commitment, children, family. He found me online last fall. We started slowly, but within a time, we had so much in common, faith in God, education, and just a wonderful connection I hadn't felt in such a long time, we became inseparable. I guess he and I both had our reasons for not committing to relationships before...his father died when he was a child, and my father left us for another woman when I was a child. Both of these things damaged us, I think, making us careful and perhaps distrustful of love? But together, we seemed to reach out to each other. It was the little things at first...after we were involved for a while, I understood that his age wasn't really accurate on the dating site, he was a couple of years older. Okay, I understood he wrote that before we ever met. Then the smoking... He said on his profile that he did not smoke...but slowly it emerged that he does. Alright, I understand that too. We continued, and he was so wonderful to me. Gentleman, thoughtful. At 42, I thought this could really be it. And after much talking, he really appreciated and liked a part of me that I was unsure of....I had never fully given myself to any man. We talked about it, it was so wonderful to talk about it. We did the responsible thing and went to the clinic for tests. And then, after the all clear....we had our wonderful Valentine's weekend together, and I gave myself to him. This was truly wonderful...but as in any relationship there were issues. His best friend's wife who acted like she had ownership of him and didn't want me in his life, didn't want us to talk about children, and she texted him to forget about that. He and I had arguments over how much power and control he was giving this woman. And then...the other thing.... As the weeks passed, and he was wonderful to me, cooked for me, treated me like gold...but something was changing. He seemed "down"...wouldn't look at me, I mean really look. And then one day he told me...his mother said that he really should tell me....he suffers from depression. He had just started taking meds again for it because he was having an episode. He was drifting, we were drifting away.... One evening we had a loud argument about the friend's wife, and then he just just shut down. For 24 hours he was unreachable, next day we talked, spent the day, and by that evening, he was depressed, didn't know how he felt about me or anything anymore, maybe didn't want kids anymore, commitment anymore, everything was just gone. He said he "needed space" (classic)...I said "So it's over?" and he said emphatically "No!" But I said, "Yes, it is." So did he break up? Or did I? I think I might have. I regret that argument so much. I regret leaving, but it seemed like the writing was on the wall. We've been apart 2 weeks now. I texted once in the first week, no response. By the end of the second week (yesterday) I emailed him to ask to meet me for coffee today. No response. I feel like a FOOL for contacting him....I feel empty, dizzy from trying to assimilate this new lonely way of living....I feel.... Trying to remember I gave myself to him because it felt right, I was ready, and the moment was beautiful. Is there hope? I am doing all I can NOT to contact his friends or his Mom, though I would love to. Would that set him off? Is this depression? Is this that he's completely given up on us? Or that he just never really loved me. And of course...the accompanying feeling.....maybe I am not lovable..... Just trying to survive right now...and not sure what to do....do nothing I guess? I feel lost. My Mom is visiting this week but she leaves in a couple of days....and then I will be alone and I can't even think how I will get through.....
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