Still Missing My Sister After 13 Years
My sister died when she was 16 in a car accident. Her 3 month old son was also killed. I was 12. I was going to ask her to go with her that day but I didnt. Some days I wish I would have, it has to be better than being here without them. I think of that day often. I was at a festival and was told to meet the sheriff at a gas station a block away where my sister's boyfriend's mother also was. She is the one who told me what happened. She huged me, then left. I was left there alone. My 12 year old self that had just heard the news that my sister an nephew were gone. I walked uptown and found my uncle and told him what had happened. I drove with him to his house. There were some people that were from out of town there so my aunt made me drive with them and show them the way back to her house. So there I am now at her house, alone again. My 12 year old self alone again. I walked a mile home where I eventually found my mother a few hours later. But I couldn't stand to be around her, so I left anyways. That first night I stayed with a "friend". It was actually a girl I barely knew, and I got drunk for the first time. I got completely drunk and the pain went away.
The rest is a blur up until I saw them in the casket. Somehow I arrived to the funeral home by myself and was the first one to see them in the casket. I remember saying that its them, it's really them. Like that should be a shocker or something...but it was. I guess a part of me thought I was going to look in that casket and it wouldn't be them. That was the end of my denial phase. How can you deny it any longer when your looking right at them? Well I must be going through all the rest of the stages the next 13 years, because I'm still angry. I'm angry at her. I'm angry she left me here without her. I'm angry at God. I still think of ways that I could have stopped it. I still wish it was me instead. I still miss her so much I can literally feel my empty heart. I still don't want to move on if it requires me to leave them somewhere in the past. I will never be the same, and it isn't getting any easier. People just don't get it. Shes missing out on so many things and it's just not fair. I feel like everyone else is over it and it's just me here. I was told me recently that I need to move on, but they just dont get it either. I mean I want to move on. I want to feel better. I just can't.