Still Missing My Sister After 13 Years

by Toeknee

My sister died when she was 16 in a car accident. Her 3 month old son was also killed. I was 12. I was going to ask her to go with her that day but I didnt. Some days I wish I would have, it has to be better than being here without them. I think of that day often. I was at a festival and was told to meet the sheriff at a gas station a block away where my sister's boyfriend's mother also was. She is the one who told me what happened. She huged me, then left. I was left there alone. My 12 year old self that had just heard the news that my sister an nephew were gone. I walked uptown and found my uncle and told him what had happened. I drove with him to his house. There were some people that were from out of town there so my aunt made me drive with them and show them the way back to her house. So there I am now at her house, alone again. My 12 year old self alone again. I walked a mile home where I eventually found my mother a few hours later. But I couldn't stand to be around her, so I left anyways. That first night I stayed with a "friend". It was actually a girl I barely knew, and I got drunk for the first time. I got completely drunk and the pain went away.
The rest is a blur up until I saw them in the casket. Somehow I arrived to the funeral home by myself and was the first one to see them in the casket. I remember saying that its them, it's really them. Like that should be a shocker or something...but it was. I guess a part of me thought I was going to look in that casket and it wouldn't be them. That was the end of my denial phase. How can you deny it any longer when your looking right at them? Well I must be going through all the rest of the stages the next 13 years, because I'm still angry. I'm angry at her. I'm angry she left me here without her. I'm angry at God. I still think of ways that I could have stopped it. I still wish it was me instead. I still miss her so much I can literally feel my empty heart. I still don't want to move on if it requires me to leave them somewhere in the past. I will never be the same, and it isn't getting any easier. People just don't get it. Shes missing out on so many things and it's just not fair. I feel like everyone else is over it and it's just me here. I was told me recently that I need to move on, but they just dont get it either. I mean I want to move on. I want to feel better. I just can't.

Comments for Still Missing My Sister After 13 Years

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Oct 22, 2013
10.5 yrs time to try and move on
by: Anonymous

Hey, saying sorry for your loss is not enough it is never going to be. Its been 10.5 yrs now since i lost my sis, she was 19yrs and i was 16.5yrs.. and i still go through everything you have just said.. its literally only till a few days back did i even try to seek help and try dealing with this pain, anger, fear, because it was literally driving me mad. I could not understand why i did certain things.. why i behave in such a manner, life has surely changed after losing an older sister.. (and nephew in your case)
trust me i feel the same things; as to how can i survive and be happy when she isnt, i keep wondering why no one besides my parents bothered checking on how i was coping without my sister.. to be honest i think it is because of my parents that i did not lose it. it doesnt help at all when no one else mentions her it feels like they have forgotten my sister already and expect me to do the same.
No one is ever going to understand what you are going through.. i would really suggest seeing a grief counsellor as i am going to be doing the same. it is important for our own sanity i guess. at least give it a try.

I do believe in one thing, god puts us in situations only because he knows and he has given us the strength to get through it.

in addition to that also talking to a complete stranger who is going through a similar phase is really helpful. for some weird reason once you know you are not alone in this and it is a universal thing.. it just makes it easier to accept i guess.

do feel free to write in to me if you like..

I really do hope you find some peace of mind... it is necessary ..

Oct 08, 2013
Still Missing My Sister After 13 years.
by: Doreen UK

Toeknee I am sorry for your loss of your sister at such a young age. You were a very young 12yrs. old child who couldn't properly process the death of your sister and nephew. You probably did what most children do. Stuff your feelings so far down they go underground in your sub-conscious mind. You repressed your feelings because you couldn't deal with the devastation to your life. What is happening now that you have matured in years and emotions is that these repressed feelings are now pressing for resolution. All the anger you have repressed is bubbling under the surface and you can't get at it. If you work with a trained psychologist/counsellor who is trained to work at a deep level and bring these feelings and trapped emotions to the surface they will probably evaporate. You will feel the pain and cry. But you will have started the Healing. It is an amazing experience when it is over. You will feel FREE in your spirit and you won't ever feel these same feelings again. I have done this grief/counselling work late in life when I was in my 40's. I ended 40yrs. of depression in 4yrs. of counselling and I have never felt so amazing deep down in my emotions and feelings level. I cope better with life.
People who tell you that you should be over your sister's and nephew's death don't understand what is going on which is why you can't share how you feel with just anyone. You have to choose your confidants carefully otherwise they will compound your grief and make you feel worse. Anger is part of grief and resolving our losses. When you do the grief work in counselling your anger also will evaporate. You will become the articulate mature woman you were meant to be. All this grief from the past needs to be resolved so you can move forward with your life and get your life back. You will grieve for your sister and nephew differently and your acceptance of what happened years ago will not trouble you again in the same way. You owe it to yourself to get professional help. It has to be with the right counsellor so that you do Heal and move forward. You will relate better and perhaps forge better relationships. You will become a happier person. Accidents are part of life and often nothing can be done to avoid them. Even if you were with your sister there is no way you could have saved her. If you were in this accident and had lived you would still feel guilty whether you were there or not. You can't feel guilty because you lived. Feel Blessed you lived and can make something out of your life that will honour your sister and nephew. Turn your negative feelings into positive one's. Try and build yourself up and not tear yourself down. Your world will start to feel better. When we have no one in our lives to encourage us and build us up we can do it for ourselves. It is called NURTURING. Do good things for yourself each day. You will be building yourself up in a positive way. Best wishes.

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