Still numb 5 months later
I woke up to find my father passed away in February 2012. He had multiple health problems through the years, and nearly passed in 2006. While we knew he probably wouldn't live to be 80...we never thought he would pass at 59.
There are some days where I feel alright, some where i feel 'ok'...but most I feel incredibly sad and numb...with a feeling that life will never be the same. I think about him all the time, about things I wanted to say, things I wanted to know...things you always think you will have the time to get around to. I have dreams where i see him on a semi regular basis. Sometimes I feel it is him reaching out to me to tell me he is in a better place, sometimes I think its just my mind manifesting all this sadness into my dreams.
Life goes on for everyone else a few weeks after it happened...but it is forever changed for me. The calls to check how I'm doing stopped months ago, and to be honest, while I am thankful for all of them, I am glad they have stopped because it just made me feel worse.
I am trying to move on with my life, as I know its what my dad would have wanted. Its so hard though, and I feel as though I never will be able to do so. Now everything just seems to uncertain.
Dad was so kind and such a great person, and although I am glad he isn't suffering here, part of me is selfish and wishes I could go back to the the day before it happened and somehow change things.
Dad, I miss you, love you, and think about you everyday. I am trying my best to move on, and hope that one day i will be 'ok' enough to do so. If there is a heaven, I know you are there. I am grateful for the years I had with you, regretful for the times I was selfish, and sad for the times we won't share.