Still numb 5 months later

by MJ
(NYC)

I woke up to find my father passed away in February 2012. He had multiple health problems through the years, and nearly passed in 2006. While we knew he probably wouldn't live to be 80...we never thought he would pass at 59.

There are some days where I feel alright, some where i feel 'ok'...but most I feel incredibly sad and numb...with a feeling that life will never be the same. I think about him all the time, about things I wanted to say, things I wanted to know...things you always think you will have the time to get around to. I have dreams where i see him on a semi regular basis. Sometimes I feel it is him reaching out to me to tell me he is in a better place, sometimes I think its just my mind manifesting all this sadness into my dreams.

Life goes on for everyone else a few weeks after it happened...but it is forever changed for me. The calls to check how I'm doing stopped months ago, and to be honest, while I am thankful for all of them, I am glad they have stopped because it just made me feel worse.

I am trying to move on with my life, as I know its what my dad would have wanted. Its so hard though, and I feel as though I never will be able to do so. Now everything just seems to uncertain.

Dad was so kind and such a great person, and although I am glad he isn't suffering here, part of me is selfish and wishes I could go back to the the day before it happened and somehow change things.

Dad, I miss you, love you, and think about you everyday. I am trying my best to move on, and hope that one day i will be 'ok' enough to do so. If there is a heaven, I know you are there. I am grateful for the years I had with you, regretful for the times I was selfish, and sad for the times we won't share.

Comments for Still numb 5 months later

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Sep 01, 2012
sorry
by: Anonymous

My daddy passed away August 13 same situation knew he was sick but definitely did not expect him to pass.I feel the same exact way and it hurts so bad.I was supposed to go pick him up next week to come live with me .I feel guilty I didn't say goodbye I feel lonely I can't call him I feel broken without him

Jul 13, 2012
Still numb 5 months later
by: Doreen U.K.

MJ I am sorry for your loss of your father. You are not being SELFISH by wanting your life to go back to where it was when your father was alive and you were happy. It is called being HUMAN. It is natural to want this and especially in one so young. It is a coping mechanism for when life and pain is hard to bear. We go back in time to when things were different and good and happy.
Don't worry if you are numb after 5 months. Grief experiences are different for everyone and no time limit can be put on one moving forward. Often when one can't move on they are stuck in grief and may then have to see a grief counsellor when life is too painfull to move on. Don't compare yourself to others and how they are doing. Don't feel guilty either by what you are feeling and when. You just need to express yourself to people who can let you be YOU. without judgement. Loss is painfull. We have emotions and will express these when we need to. Take one day at a time and enjoy the good times when they come and don't feel guilty about this. We will all move forward when we are ready to and at different times and pace. Allow yourself to grieve and give yourself the permission to be happy also. Best wishes for the future.

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