Still really hurting 1.5 years later

by Brian
(Saskatchewan, Canada)

My mom got diabetes when I was born and it never went away. I remember waking up in the morning and seeing her take her insulin every day. She was in and out of the hospital for most of my high school years. It was a stressful time when I went away to university. Always getting calls that she had strokes and was in a dementia sort of state. It felt like a cruel joke. When she was on her death bed I talked my boss into letting me take a week off for bereavement to say goodbye instead of going to her funeral. I went, she woke up and said goodbye to me. We hugged and she went to the other side when I got on the plane to leave and return to work. I had to go to work the next day. It was really hard reading her obituary, and especially hard reading the part of it that read, “Cremation has taken place.” I was like, “Already?” No one understood that I needed to see the funeral, so no one sent me the video of it. I even asked multiple times. I was told there was one. I’m angry about that, but I guess I can get over it. I went to two sessions of grief counselling and decided that I was fine. But now, I think back (about 1.5 years ago) and I just miss her and feel like I was cheated. I feel like no one will ever care for me like she did. We didn’t talk a whole lot (maybe once or twice a week) because I moved to the other side of the country, but when we did talk it was quality time. I remember cuddling up to her when I was little. I remember her crying when I left to move out west. I just wish that I could see her one more time. I wish I was part of the funeral. The stupid part is I get upset when I get stressed. It’s other things that trigger my sorrow for the loss of my mother. Not purely the thought of her. Maybe that’s normal, but it happens a lot. I don’t want to feel sad anymore. It’s just so hard. I sometimes feel like no one understands. My family doesn’t call me (2 older sisters and a dad). I try calling but everyone is too busy. I miss my family. My sisters especially. I never hear from them. I just feel alone in the world after she left. It’s always worse when I dream of her and then I wake up to realize that she’s absent in reality. Then I have to get up and go to work with that on my mind.

This is me whining. I don't care if it annoys anyone. I just have to put it out there. I am still in pain.

Brian.