Still really hurting 1.5 years later

by Brian
(Saskatchewan, Canada)

My mom got diabetes when I was born and it never went away. I remember waking up in the morning and seeing her take her insulin every day. She was in and out of the hospital for most of my high school years. It was a stressful time when I went away to university. Always getting calls that she had strokes and was in a dementia sort of state. It felt like a cruel joke. When she was on her death bed I talked my boss into letting me take a week off for bereavement to say goodbye instead of going to her funeral. I went, she woke up and said goodbye to me. We hugged and she went to the other side when I got on the plane to leave and return to work. I had to go to work the next day. It was really hard reading her obituary, and especially hard reading the part of it that read, “Cremation has taken place.” I was like, “Already?” No one understood that I needed to see the funeral, so no one sent me the video of it. I even asked multiple times. I was told there was one. I’m angry about that, but I guess I can get over it. I went to two sessions of grief counselling and decided that I was fine. But now, I think back (about 1.5 years ago) and I just miss her and feel like I was cheated. I feel like no one will ever care for me like she did. We didn’t talk a whole lot (maybe once or twice a week) because I moved to the other side of the country, but when we did talk it was quality time. I remember cuddling up to her when I was little. I remember her crying when I left to move out west. I just wish that I could see her one more time. I wish I was part of the funeral. The stupid part is I get upset when I get stressed. It’s other things that trigger my sorrow for the loss of my mother. Not purely the thought of her. Maybe that’s normal, but it happens a lot. I don’t want to feel sad anymore. It’s just so hard. I sometimes feel like no one understands. My family doesn’t call me (2 older sisters and a dad). I try calling but everyone is too busy. I miss my family. My sisters especially. I never hear from them. I just feel alone in the world after she left. It’s always worse when I dream of her and then I wake up to realize that she’s absent in reality. Then I have to get up and go to work with that on my mind.

This is me whining. I don't care if it annoys anyone. I just have to put it out there. I am still in pain.

Brian.

Comments for Still really hurting 1.5 years later

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Jan 20, 2012
You Have a Friend.....
by: S.

Hi Brian,

You are the first person I've ever left a comment for. And I've only written one post on here myself. But I felt I had to write you. I almost just glanced at your page and then went to another one...and then something caught my eye. Saskatchewan. I'm here too....in Saskatchewan. I don't know if you live here now or if your Mom was from here and you left. But it just felt like...well like we are all bonded together, because we live in the same place....we all share in human experience...sometimes grief, sometimes joy. So I guess I just wanted you to know....there are others out here, just like you, who have felt grief...and have turned to this site. You are not alone. We all are here together. I hope you can take some comfort in that.... :)

Jan 19, 2012
Deepest sympathy
by: christine

Brian, I am so very sorry for UR loss!! UR not whining, UR expressing UR feelings!! I lost my son in June 2011, and it hurts soo much! Who cares what other people think you should be feeling! I sometimes keep quiet too when I feel like talking about him, but lately if I want to I just say what I'm thinking! People say it gets better with time, but I don't think it will! Maybe more manageable??? God Bless you and UR Mom was blessed to have a son like you!! I'm sure you were the light of her life, like my son was to me!!!

Jan 19, 2012
I KNOW YOUR PAIN
by: ANA.O

HI I READ THE BLOG YOU WROTE AND IT MIGHT NOT MATTER TO U CAUSE IM A TOTAL STRANGER BUT I LIVE DAY BY DAY WITH THE SAME PAIN U LIVE WITH I AND I LOST MY BELOVED MOTHER 4 YEARS AGO AND THE PAIN OF LOSING A MOTHER IS A WOUND THAT I THINK WILL NEVER HEAL AND I WAS WITH MY MOTHER LIKE U WERE IN AND OUT THE HOSPITAL FOR 6 YEARS SHE HAD RECURRENT CERVICAL CANCER. I WAS THEIR DAY AND NIGHT I HAD A FAMILY OF MY OWN AND IT DID NOT STOP ME, MY HUSBAND WAS VERY SUPPORTIVE, I WAS AT HER FUNERAL AND I FEEL THE SAME WAY U DO NOW SO DON'T MAKE IT WORST FOR YOURSELF AND JUDGE UR SELF ABOUT NOT BEING IN HER FUNERAL THE PAIN WILL REMAIN THE SAME NO MATER WHAT BUT DON'T CLUTCH THE PAST SO TIGHTLY TO YOUR CHEST CAUSE IT LEAVES YOUR ARMS TO FULL TO EMBRACE THE BEAUTY OF YOUR PRESENT.JUST LIKE U I HAVE SISTERS TO BE EXACT 6 SISTERS 1 BROTHER AND A FATHER A STEP FATHER TOO NOT LIKE YOU I LIVE AWAY FROM THEM LIKE 15-20 MINUTES AND I FEEL THE SAME LIKE I'M ALL ALONE EVEN THOUGHT I HAVE MY HUSBAND AND MY KIDS I HARDLY TALK TO MY SISTERS AND MY BROTHER MY BROTHER WAS LIKE MY BEST FRIEND AND KNOW WE HARDLY EVEN TALK THEY DON'T CALL ME TO BE I FEEL LIKE I'M ALL ALONE IN THIS BIG WORLD TO
EXACT I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM FOR A 2YRS I FEEL LIKE GOING AROUND THEM OR MY FATHERS WILL BRING ME A LOT MORE PAIN AND PROBABLY UR SISTERS FEEL THE SAME WAY WHEN MY MOM WAS ALIVE WE WERE ALWAYS TOGETHER WITH MY MOM AND MY MOM TOLD US I'M SCARED TO DIE CAUSE I KNOW U GUYS ARE ALL GONNA GO YOUR OWN WAYS AND NEVER BE THEIR FOR EACH OTHER AND IT HAPPENED JUST LIKE SHE SAID I DONT KNOW IF MY STORY WILL HELP YOU OR IF U EVEN CARE BUT I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW YOUR NOT ALONE AND CRY ALL THAT U NEED AND WHEN EVER YOU FEEL THE NEED TO CRY IT WONT HEAL YOUR WOUND BUT IT WILL HELP YOU ALOT...
ANA O

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