Still sad

by mtm
(Midwest)

I lost my mom suddenly this past February. She was 72, had been battling Lymphoma for 10 years and within the past few years had several rounds of chemo; tolerated all of it very well and it seemed to be keeping the Lymphoma under control. So when I say it was sudden; it really was not expected since she seemed to be doing well. We now realize she was much sicker than she was letting on.

I live out of state and had become very close with her as an adult. She was one of my best friends and I could tell her everything. She helped me through a very difficult time in my marriage which, by the way, has improved greatly thanks to much of her advice. I spoke to her at least once every day on the phone and we would see each other several times a year.

The weekend before she died I had flown out to visit her and we had a wonderful time together. She seemed fine. She was facing another round of chemo in the weeks to follow and was as optimistic as ever. She had had a blood transfusion the week before because her counts were low. Personally I think this is what did her in. She had her spleen removed several years prior and was not able to fight infections very well. One of the underlying causes of death on her death certificate was Sepsis. But that is something that I'll never have the answer to.

She collapsed in her home just a few days after I went home but I was able to fly back and be with her. She was gone within 24 hours after I arrived. My brother & I were able to be by her bedside with her when she passed (which we did not get the chance with our dad who died 25 years ago and it still haunts me).

So here it is 11 months later and many times I still burst out into tears over the slightest thing. I have found that I have become very impatient and often times angry, for no good reason. During my long commute home (which I used to spend on the phone with my mom) I sometimes become very agitated and will many times start crying.

My husband has been very patient & supportive with me and tells me this is normal but I feel like I should be able to feel happy. I feel negative and anxious at lot of the time. I can be laughing one minute and crying or mad the next. Instead of seeing the good, I automatically focus on the bad. I worry so much now about something happening to one of my children or the other members of my family. (I should probably also mention that I lost my sister-in-law 2 years ago after a 3 year battle with ALS.)

I just need to know if feeling this way after all this time is indeed normal and what steps I can do to start feeling like myself again. Thanksgiving was very hard for me and much to my surprise Christmas was pretty good. I don't remember still feeling this way 11 months after my dad's death and even after my sister-in-law’s death. I know if my mom were here she would be upset with me because she was the type of person that would want us to remember her and feel happy, not sad. She would want us to move on but I am having difficulty letting go and moving on.

Comments for Still sad

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Jun 10, 2011
Respond for Still Sad
by: Lina

My sympathy to you..I've lost my dad 6 months ago, and I feel the same as you - feel anxious and worry if one of my kids or person that I loved will be leaving me too. Your worry is because you think that death is something horrible, and death bring you all the pain. I finally work on my understanding that Death is just a passage to another life. Your Mom now is in the peace world, no sickness, no pain...and if you love her you will want to give that to your Mom right ? This is your homework...try to understand that death bring our loves one place that is better than in this world.
Your 2nd homework will be how to ease your pain because of loosing her. If you reach to understanding and not afraid of death anymore, the pain will slowly move to the feeling of relief.
God take control of our lives, we do not have any control on that (but would you want to control other's life ? I don't think so). The best that we can do is cherish every moment we live with people that we love.
Always remember that there are something that we can not control and that's because we will not have the capacity to control and God knows that.
To be happy again ? I am still trying also to find happiness, but in a midst of my gray days, I always find something that can make me smile. I am not pushing my self to be happy...I just let it flow..I know someday, I can laugh again..right now I am thankful enough because I finally can accept my daddy's leaving and I am more understanding about death and understand that death is a nature way.
try find something that you use to have fun, I go to a dance class. Don't forced yourself. Just do whatever you like to do and not pushing everything. Our body can heal by itself, just give time..
My prayer goes to you dear.

Jan 09, 2011
Mami I love you
by: Marilyn

I lost my mom 2months 23 days 7 hours ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, talk to her, and pray to God. I cry constantly. I have a burning in the middle of my chest that won't go away. The sorrow is so much that I feel like I can't breathe at times.

Finally last month I had a break down and I admitted myself to a partial inpatient hospital program. There we did group therapy and I got lots of feedback. Hospice also offers grief counseling. I am in a much better place now. I still cry and grieve for her every single day, however the tears seems different now. I realize the sorrow will always stay with me, after all, she is permanently and physically gone, but she will always be in my heart.

Ask God for the strength that only he can give you and ask your mom to help you accept her parting, you will see her again some day when our Lord calls you home. I hope this helps a little.

Jan 08, 2011
to Pat
by: mtm

I am so sorry for your loss Pat. Thank you for your encouraging email. I know I'll never be the same but I would like to start feeling more like myself. I would like to find a group near me but am not sure where to start.


Jan 07, 2011
Moms Are Special
by: Pat J

mtm~
There is nothing more precious than the bond between a mother and daughter. My mom is still here physically but she is in mid-stage dementia. She is lucid for a day or so then the next day doesn't remember what we told her 5 minutes later. I miss my mom ~ the person she used to be. She was a wonderful mother to all of her children. I could tell my mother just about everything. I have two very close friends who after the loss of their mothers found their lives fall apart. They both experienced the loss of other family members but the loss of mom devastated them both.

Don't be afraid to ask for professional help. I worked for doctors for 25 years and I know a lot of doctors can be too quick to medicate people. You have to find a good doctor you can trust ~ preferably a referral from a good friend.

Support groups are also very helpful. I suffered a severe depression after the death of my beloved brother (he was only 33) and my husband was supportive (for a while). Husbands want their wife back the way she was before her loss (although you never are the same again).

I just lost my wonderful husband 4 1/2 weeks ago. The pain is overwhelming for me right now. I joined a widow support group last night and I left there feeling very comforted. It's best to network with people who are experiencing the same feelings you are going through. Nobody understands like someone who has gone through a similar experience. Wishing you some happiness and comfort.

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