Still sad

by mtm
(Midwest)

I lost my mom suddenly this past February. She was 72, had been battling Lymphoma for 10 years and within the past few years had several rounds of chemo; tolerated all of it very well and it seemed to be keeping the Lymphoma under control. So when I say it was sudden; it really was not expected since she seemed to be doing well. We now realize she was much sicker than she was letting on.

I live out of state and had become very close with her as an adult. She was one of my best friends and I could tell her everything. She helped me through a very difficult time in my marriage which, by the way, has improved greatly thanks to much of her advice. I spoke to her at least once every day on the phone and we would see each other several times a year.

The weekend before she died I had flown out to visit her and we had a wonderful time together. She seemed fine. She was facing another round of chemo in the weeks to follow and was as optimistic as ever. She had had a blood transfusion the week before because her counts were low. Personally I think this is what did her in. She had her spleen removed several years prior and was not able to fight infections very well. One of the underlying causes of death on her death certificate was Sepsis. But that is something that I'll never have the answer to.

She collapsed in her home just a few days after I went home but I was able to fly back and be with her. She was gone within 24 hours after I arrived. My brother & I were able to be by her bedside with her when she passed (which we did not get the chance with our dad who died 25 years ago and it still haunts me).

So here it is 11 months later and many times I still burst out into tears over the slightest thing. I have found that I have become very impatient and often times angry, for no good reason. During my long commute home (which I used to spend on the phone with my mom) I sometimes become very agitated and will many times start crying.

My husband has been very patient & supportive with me and tells me this is normal but I feel like I should be able to feel happy. I feel negative and anxious at lot of the time. I can be laughing one minute and crying or mad the next. Instead of seeing the good, I automatically focus on the bad. I worry so much now about something happening to one of my children or the other members of my family. (I should probably also mention that I lost my sister-in-law 2 years ago after a 3 year battle with ALS.)

I just need to know if feeling this way after all this time is indeed normal and what steps I can do to start feeling like myself again. Thanksgiving was very hard for me and much to my surprise Christmas was pretty good. I don't remember still feeling this way 11 months after my dad's death and even after my sister-in-law’s death. I know if my mom were here she would be upset with me because she was the type of person that would want us to remember her and feel happy, not sad. She would want us to move on but I am having difficulty letting go and moving on.