It's now been 9 months since my mothers sudden passing and I can honestly say it's just as painful now as it was then and I'm really wondering if this is normal or is it just me being weak? Don't get me wrong - that deep deep ache that was with me in the days and weeks after she died has lifted but I still miss her so so much it cripples me at times. I keep going over and over it all in my head - did I miss something, could I have changed it all, did mum know what was going to happen, what were her final thoughts, and worst of all why wasn't I with her when she died..... The list goes on and on. I know in my heart I most likely couldn't have changed things but I still feel so guilty ( and I'm not even sure what exactly I feel guilty about!). I still cry about her regularly although I do have tear-free days too. When people ask me how I'm doing I simply say that I'll never get over when and how it happened but that I have accepted it. I guess what I'm wondering is will I ever get over it and will this sadness ease? I've lost heart in the things that used to bring me happiness and joy and I have to really force myself to arrange things like a rare night out or a holiday. It's almost like I'm punishing myself - but for what? My mum would be scolding me if she was here for being so down - she always said 'do not be weeping and wailing after me, everyone has to die, we can't live forever and we wouldn't want to'. I am really trying to be strong and very conscious of not lying down under this and generally I think I'm doing ok. It's just these 'bad days" that make you feel rubbish. Sorry I've went on far too long - just looking for some reassurance that I'm getting through this grieving process in a normal way.