Still suffering

It's now been 9 months since my mothers sudden passing and I can honestly say it's just as painful now as it was then and I'm really wondering if this is normal or is it just me being weak? Don't get me wrong - that deep deep ache that was with me in the days and weeks after she died has lifted but I still miss her so so much it cripples me at times. I keep going over and over it all in my head - did I miss something, could I have changed it all, did mum know what was going to happen, what were her final thoughts, and worst of all why wasn't I with her when she died..... The list goes on and on. I know in my heart I most likely couldn't have changed things but I still feel so guilty ( and I'm not even sure what exactly I feel guilty about!). I still cry about her regularly although I do have tear-free days too. When people ask me how I'm doing I simply say that I'll never get over when and how it happened but that I have accepted it. I guess what I'm wondering is will I ever get over it and will this sadness ease? I've lost heart in the things that used to bring me happiness and joy and I have to really force myself to arrange things like a rare night out or a holiday. It's almost like I'm punishing myself - but for what? My mum would be scolding me if she was here for being so down - she always said 'do not be weeping and wailing after me, everyone has to die, we can't live forever and we wouldn't want to'. I am really trying to be strong and very conscious of not lying down under this and generally I think I'm doing ok. It's just these 'bad days" that make you feel rubbish. Sorry I've went on far too long - just looking for some reassurance that I'm getting through this grieving process in a normal way.

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Aug 15, 2014
Still suffering
by: Doreen UK

Don't be so hard on yourself. Every feeling and emotion you describes is NORMAL. This is what RAW grief feels like. First it starts with DENIAL and then DISBELIEF. You may feel STUCK and can't move forward and don't know how to feel or react. None of us knows how we are supposed to feel or how long this grief will last. It took me 9yrs. to get over the loss of my mother, before I could look at her photo. Now I have lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 2yrs. ago I am still suffering the 3yrs.39days of memories of the cancer journey. I don't force myself to think of anything or do anything. I spent 6 months nurturing myself back into life. You should do many special things for yourself each day and build on this till it becomes your way of life. Loving yourself back into life. Stop worrying too much about forcing yourself to move forward and do things to show that you are. RELAX. Be yourself and let those feelings and emotions find RELEASE. You will have good days and bad days. It COMES but it also PASSES. This is part of the healing process. None of us knew what grief felt like, and what to expect. We learned from each other on this site. I learned to TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. It worked. I got through these last 2yrs. I will still have days of crying now and then, but mostly when I read other posts here and learn of the tragedies other's go through, some of which I can identify with. It leaves me feeling less ALONE. A mother is a very significant person in her family. She is held in high esteem and has a lot to live up to. She takes it in her stride. You are still suffering because you may be suffering from delayed grief. When you are able to put new things in your life you will see your world change. You will never forget the loss of your mother. but the pain will get less over time. Live your life well. Don't feel guilty to laugh or be happy. This is your birth right.

Aug 14, 2014
Still suffering
by: Anonymous

Hi I can relate to all you said . my mum died in 2013 and I am still really sad. This has been the worst year of my life and I miss her so much. I too have guilt over things said and unsaid and all that fact I could have spent more time with her and that she was lonely during the day in between her carers visits. We were close but I lived three hours away from her and sometimes the best I could do was a phone call every couple of hours.i remember one time she was in hospital and the nurse said please don't call to see how your mum is just drop in and see her and that hurt because I lived three hours away and my child was sick and I couldn't go to visit mum and despite explaining this the nurse didn't get if.I felt such a bad daughter and she made me feel selfish.i hope time will heal our grief. Losing your mum is very tough and I am still struggling 13 months on. As some one else said you never love them as much as you miss them.Therese.

Aug 14, 2014
Still suffering
by: Jane

Sorry for losing your mother. I have lost my Mom 15 months ago. Your soul is taking the death of your mother step by step, in little pieces, otherwise it would be too much for your soul and your head is keep on thinking. But you can change nothing. I was thinking all the same things like you are. But you can change nothing. You realy did the right thing. Don´t worry so much. All what your Mom remember and took with her, is your deep love. All other things, even her sick body, she has left behind. Only the love is what counts. Your love is like a golden ribbon, who is holding you two together. It never breaks. The love will never die. All other things are not important. Only the love. This love will stay in your heart, til you will see your Mom again. Just think of her, and she is here. She has got a new home, realy close to you, she lives now in your heart. Your Mom loves you. She doesn´t want that you feel so guilty. I think, no mother would like that. Just think, you would´ve died and you could see from the other side, how bad and guilty your mother is feeling, that would make you upsade. All what counts is your love. Well, I don´t know, if the crying will stop, when the happiness will come back, because I am still pushing my self too. J just live one day after the other. You can see that your Grief had changed allready. It changes every day. It is going to change you. Other things will get important for you now. Just take every day like it comes and don´t think what will be tomorrow. That makes us sick and powerless. Your Mom told you the same things, like my Mom has told me. Moms are Moms. Nobody can replace them. But they live further on in our hearts. And than we laugh sometimes, they are feeling so good inside our hearts, because our Moms want us to be happy. I know, this is pretty hard. Accept these bad days, and they will go to change. It just shows your big love to your Mother. Don´t forget, she is still on your side, talk with her, maybe just write a diary. Do what makes you feel better. And one day, then our time had come to go, we will see our Moms again. I can feel this in my heart. Sometimes I wish, that heaven would´ve got a telephone. Feel your self hugged from me. May God comfort you.

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