STOP PLEASE JUST STOP

by Zoe
(MD)

STOP, please, please stop

Stop telling me that it has not been enough time.
Stop telling me I have so much to live for.
Stop telling me that others love me.
Stop trying to guilt me into being what you want me to be.
Stop looking for me to smile, I am smiling, it is a mask.

Whatever I have to do to make you go away.
Stop telling me how much better I am doing, you have no idea how I am doing, that would require you to look at me closely and no one wants to look at a grieving woman closely.

Stop trying to make me live a life I no longer desire, yes I was good at those things, I am not anymore, I do not want to be.

Stop telling me my children will give me comfort. They try, but they have no clue how to deal with a mother who is grieving. I love them but I stay away it is easier on all of us.

Stop telling me there are greater losses, and of others who have overcome greater losses. How dare you say there is a greater loss than mine, besides, I do not know how they did it; I do not want to know.

Stop probing for conversations and words that you do not really want to hear, I know you want to listen, I know you do not want to hear what I have to say.

But, let me say it here, just this one time. I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE WITHOUT HIM. He was my heart, I loved him forever. There, I have said what we who are grieving are are not supposed to say. But I say it here, lest those around me get in a tither. I do not want their worry or their pity. They cannot touch me because the best part of me is no more.

So please stop trying to make this right, because it is not, it never will be. Just know this, I take steps one foot in front of the other, that is all I can do. However, with every day, with every action with every step, I am more and more into the darkness, that is my soul and I am surer than ever, that I cannot do this without him.

Comments for STOP PLEASE JUST STOP

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Nov 29, 2010
i feel like you
by: josie

I could not have said it better !!! What do people think, we're just suppose to forget? What do people mean when they say move on??? I can't and I wont!! I know i have other kids but my daughter passed away and she's alone and she needs me too.

Aug 01, 2010
I know your pain
by: Anonymous

I too lost my dearest love and life partner - in November 2009 - I too wonder how I can go on - please, please go talk to some grief counselors, vent on this space here, but know that you can go on. It will never stop hurting, I know that, I know that unless someone has lost their life partner, they cannot feel what you feel, this was the person you chose to spend your life with.
I know the feeling of being surrounded by people, and feeling so "alone" - and my heart breaks all over again.

Please, please just try and get some help, there are people who understand, ask for their help.

Jul 31, 2010
Please don't do this
by: Anonymous

This , too, is probably something you don't want to hear. However, it is what got me through the first few weeks. I made myself absolutely imagine killing myself and facing him afterwards. He would be SOOOO angry at me. It prevented me from doing such a drastic thing. No it doesn't make life any easier without him. But, I love him and I cannot do something that I know he would disapprove of so strongly.

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