Stop the World and let me off
D-day is here and I don't want to be me anymore. 1 year ~
I've cried all day and working at the same time has been difficult. While driving home tonight I felt wiped, tired and just beaten down. My love is gone and I just want to die.
How do we survive? I have never felt such devastation to my heart and soul before.
Why does God let us feel this pain? I don't want it anymore. Make it stop ~ I don't care if I sound like a child ~ the pain at times is so unbearable I want to die.
This day coming has drove me crazy. I fully expected my life to end on this day. Of course it didn't but it sure felt like it.
Love, Lost ~ why? We search for that special person, our soul that calls to that one special person in the universe, we meet and become one. Now my heart has been ripped from my soul because its died. Why? We should have been together until the end of time. End of time means we both go together. Who is doing this to me and why? All I seen today is the past of whats happened.
Minute to minute, hour to hour, each phone call I made, hearing the sobs of pain from his daughter when I called from Arkansas to California. It echoes in my mind and her tears burn my heart. Kneeing down in the hospital praying for God to give to strength hoping if I didn't ask for Billy to be saved he would. But it didn't happen. I'm angry, mad and want him back. I said I was never mad at Billy because I knew how much pain is was in ~ wrong ~ today I discovered I am mad at him. He left me and I alone and I can't do this by myself. He was my life and now my life is over.
I hate this so much.
I spoke with Billy daughter today to see how she was handling today. Father's day was the hardest for her. Jerad his son was have his own issues but there's always hope for him. Billy's dad was visited by an old friend who text me this morning telling me he knew today was going to be hard and letting me know he was there. Funny thing about Jimmy. Just before Billy and I started going out Billy spoke to Jimmy about some girl at work that liked him....
Of course Jimmy said ~ HELLO ~ ask her out, its time. So now Jimmy takes credit for us getting together. A wonderful friend. A lot of memories have flooded my head this day. Some happy and some sad with tears that followed for each.
Tomorrow I expect that look and thought of I'm here again, might as well get up and get ready for work.
To sleep forever in Billy arms is what I want. Again, Something I can't have. My arms forever reach for him at night, longing to feel the warmth of his body, spooning and waking with him next to me. Another wish not to be.....
So tonight, once again, I will hope to see him in my dreams.
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ now 1 year