Stop the World and let me off

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Christmas 2009

Christmas 2009

D-day is here and I don't want to be me anymore. 1 year ~
I've cried all day and working at the same time has been difficult. While driving home tonight I felt wiped, tired and just beaten down. My love is gone and I just want to die.
How do we survive? I have never felt such devastation to my heart and soul before.
Why does God let us feel this pain? I don't want it anymore. Make it stop ~ I don't care if I sound like a child ~ the pain at times is so unbearable I want to die.
This day coming has drove me crazy. I fully expected my life to end on this day. Of course it didn't but it sure felt like it.
Love, Lost ~ why? We search for that special person, our soul that calls to that one special person in the universe, we meet and become one. Now my heart has been ripped from my soul because its died. Why? We should have been together until the end of time. End of time means we both go together. Who is doing this to me and why? All I seen today is the past of whats happened.
Minute to minute, hour to hour, each phone call I made, hearing the sobs of pain from his daughter when I called from Arkansas to California. It echoes in my mind and her tears burn my heart. Kneeing down in the hospital praying for God to give to strength hoping if I didn't ask for Billy to be saved he would. But it didn't happen. I'm angry, mad and want him back. I said I was never mad at Billy because I knew how much pain is was in ~ wrong ~ today I discovered I am mad at him. He left me and I alone and I can't do this by myself. He was my life and now my life is over.
I hate this so much.
I spoke with Billy daughter today to see how she was handling today. Father's day was the hardest for her. Jerad his son was have his own issues but there's always hope for him. Billy's dad was visited by an old friend who text me this morning telling me he knew today was going to be hard and letting me know he was there. Funny thing about Jimmy. Just before Billy and I started going out Billy spoke to Jimmy about some girl at work that liked him....
Of course Jimmy said ~ HELLO ~ ask her out, its time. So now Jimmy takes credit for us getting together. A wonderful friend. A lot of memories have flooded my head this day. Some happy and some sad with tears that followed for each.
Tomorrow I expect that look and thought of I'm here again, might as well get up and get ready for work.
To sleep forever in Billy arms is what I want. Again, Something I can't have. My arms forever reach for him at night, longing to feel the warmth of his body, spooning and waking with him next to me. Another wish not to be.....
So tonight, once again, I will hope to see him in my dreams.
Always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ now 1 year

Comments for Stop the World and let me off

Click here to add your own comments

Jun 23, 2011
stop the world and let me off
by: jules

Patricia - I know how hard it is for you - I too want to sleep next to my darling, reach out for him, wake up next to him - but I know this can't be ever again.
It hurts, a lot, but I go on - live my life as he woul expect me to - make my life the best that I can -
take care my friend -
every day - one step, one breath
jules

Jun 22, 2011
prayers
by: Anonymous

My heart breaks for you, prayers to you!!!! I lost my precious 24yr old son 3 wks ago, the pain is unbearable and I like you don't know how or even if I want to go on. The pain is soooooo bad as I'm sure it is for u. It sounds like you were soul mates, how special!!! Take care of yourself (I know easier said than done} Jackie

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • XML RSS
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget
->


 POPULAR
  RESOURCES


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the

GRIEF CLUB


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief
Program

Free Griefwork
E-Course

Free Stress
Management
E-Course



SBI Video Tour!