Stop the World I want to get off NOW !!!
My Faith, My Love & My Heart
I was able to go and visit my son before his 20th birthday cause I'm back to the part-time job at JC Penney's. Different work schedule, days or nights, less money but people contact. I don't know what's wrong with me or is this just it? I find myself drifting in thoughts and just feeling like I want to give up. No fight, no struggle just lay down, close my eyes and just disappear.
My life is such a mess. I can't support myself, I can't hold down a full time job and I feel like I've been beaten to death. (no pun intended) My so call Nascar friends don't talk to me, why? who know's maybe I said something or didn't do something or just to much of me and they see something they don't want to get involved with. Really right now I don't care. I don't care about anything any more.
When I got back from California I got sick. An upper repertory infection so its $75.00 to sit and wait 4 hours for the doctor, medications and 4 days in bed. I'm starting to feel like I could just stay in the house, never go out and I'd be fine. Am I regressing to a hermit stage? Maybe being sick has pulled my soul down and last night I cried so hard because I missed Billy. The devastating racking uncontrollable tears of a soul and heart that's been ripped apart because I can't do this any more. I was screaming in my pillow for fear the neighbours would hear me. I feel like giving up on the world, because I feel the world has given up on me. I don't expect people to cater to my needs and I wouldn't want that anyway. I just don't know what I want any more and I don't care.
September 5th is around the corner and it would have been Billy and mines 11th anniversary. So today I got myself a present. Its a small heart locket. I wasn't going to get it because of the money but all I could think of was Billy and how he will always have my heart so I'll wear it around my neck with my cross and portrait of Billy and myself kissing.
My faith, my love and my heart ~
Times are sad now and I feel at times I'm drowning and I'll never breath again. But then I think to myself, is that really so bad? I know I'm in a state of depression and despair but I have no desire or strength to be anywhere else right now. Times I know will change, good or bad I'm along for the ride weather I want it or not.
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year