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Stop the World I want to get off NOW !!!

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

My Faith, My Love & My Heart

I was able to go and visit my son before his 20th birthday cause I'm back to the part-time job at JC Penney's. Different work schedule, days or nights, less money but people contact. I don't know what's wrong with me or is this just it? I find myself drifting in thoughts and just feeling like I want to give up. No fight, no struggle just lay down, close my eyes and just disappear.
My life is such a mess. I can't support myself, I can't hold down a full time job and I feel like I've been beaten to death. (no pun intended) My so call Nascar friends don't talk to me, why? who know's maybe I said something or didn't do something or just to much of me and they see something they don't want to get involved with. Really right now I don't care. I don't care about anything any more.
When I got back from California I got sick. An upper repertory infection so its $75.00 to sit and wait 4 hours for the doctor, medications and 4 days in bed. I'm starting to feel like I could just stay in the house, never go out and I'd be fine. Am I regressing to a hermit stage? Maybe being sick has pulled my soul down and last night I cried so hard because I missed Billy. The devastating racking uncontrollable tears of a soul and heart that's been ripped apart because I can't do this any more. I was screaming in my pillow for fear the neighbours would hear me. I feel like giving up on the world, because I feel the world has given up on me. I don't expect people to cater to my needs and I wouldn't want that anyway. I just don't know what I want any more and I don't care.
September 5th is around the corner and it would have been Billy and mines 11th anniversary. So today I got myself a present. Its a small heart locket. I wasn't going to get it because of the money but all I could think of was Billy and how he will always have my heart so I'll wear it around my neck with my cross and portrait of Billy and myself kissing.
My faith, my love and my heart ~
Times are sad now and I feel at times I'm drowning and I'll never breath again. But then I think to myself, is that really so bad? I know I'm in a state of depression and despair but I have no desire or strength to be anywhere else right now. Times I know will change, good or bad I'm along for the ride weather I want it or not.
Always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year

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Stop the World I want to get off NOW !!!

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I know that feeling
by: Mack

Patricia,

Maybe part of this difficult journey is to go backwards then realize we're not doing well and suddenly....recovery stages begin! I don't know what's going on but I was doing so well, as you then suddenly I'm in the same depressed state I was in at 6 months into this grief. How do you know when to snap out of it? Like you, I do my best and next thing, I'm down, sad and angry. I heard that the low barometer has something to do with emotions. So if it's weather and with fall
approaching, I'm in trouble. We loved the one we lost so much and built that love for years. The only thing we do have is that we know how to love and must turn the energy into loving oneself. There is light and hope for people like us who loved with everything we had. I pray we find healing and comfort somewhere sometime soon. I pray for relief from grief for all of us on this terrible road to recovery. Keep writing and the answers will come eventually.

I'm so sorry...we are here for you...
by: Lenora - New Mexico

Hi Patricia,

I'm so sad for you right now....but I understand how you feel... it will be 4 months tomorrow(08/29/11) that I lost my Kevin, my true love.

Some days I just want to go where no one knows me, so maybe it will be easier and I won't feel the pain so much (but I know that wouldn't help).

I'm sorry that your Nascar friends are not supportive for you, but we are all here for you on this site.

That's a beautiful necklace, I have thought about having a picture done the same way that you have of you and Billy. It's still a work in progress.

I wish you well and will be thinking of you.

My love always ~ Kevin,

Lenora.

I get it
by: Kathy

Hi. I am just over the one-year anniversary of the passing of my husband Jim from melanoma. The year before that, I lost my mom to colon cancer. I understand the not caring about anything concept completely, and almost lost my own life to it. I had a very mild heart attack and spent the first anniversary of my husband's death in the hospital. It was there in the hospital that my mother came to me in a dream and explained that I HAD to go on, my children need me and that Jim is okay. Or maybe I was hallucinating, I'm not sure, lol. I still have moments where I want to join them, but they are short lived now. That point in the hospital was a turning point for me, I have decided to embrace life and let nothing and no one keep me from living it to it's fullest. I know that I am far from being at the end of my journey and that there are many twists and turns to come. Please do not give up on life, it can still be rewarding, although very different from what you previously knew:) From someone who knows your pain, Kathy

I feel your pain
by: Tina

I so relate to the insanity taking over your mind and the heart does feel because mine always felt it was going to burst with love before my husband died, and now I am amazed that it hasn't literally stopped working because of the severe pain I feel in my heart. I don't worry or cry over what people say anymore because I now realize they can't come close to understanding what we are going through. I went to a support group for 6 weeks, and one of the ladies said she wants to die & my response was "What about your kids?" and she said this didn't have anything to do with her kids and it wasn't suicidal thoughts either. She just wanted to die to be with her love again. Since it was very early in my grief I didn't understand, but after a couple of months I did. We had a great family and raised some great kids, and it was OUR time and then he got sick. I was with him from 19 until he died when I was 46 and I don't know life without him. I am in no way suicidal, but I am ready to go be with my love for eternity. I have better days, and I have worse days, but I still don't see how the future is going to play out for me. I don't see a light yet, but I am working and appear to be a functioning human being. I guess the one day at a time has never been so true. I do alert to people getting married saying they are so happy to have a love for the rest of their lives and forever. It will probably be just one of their lives, and there is no forever on earth. I wish I had some concrete help, but I don't know if it exhists. I hope today is better than yesterday
for you. I hope you see that glimpse of light a little more often.

Stop the World......
by: TrishJ

Your are in the same spot I am. I recently told my good friend, "I'm stuck in grief." I mean I am really stuck. I have zero desire to move forward. I haven't even attempted to go out and look for a job. I don't feel emotionally strong enough to deal with the intense personalities that come from working in the medical field. I've had doctors reduce me to tears before Joe's death, but at least I had him to go home to vent to. I just don't think I could handle it right now.
I feel like I'm playing a game with everyone and doing what they all think I should be doing. Don't worry.....be happy. Don't bring anyone else down with your misery.
I actually spend my days looking forward to bed time so I can get the 4-5 hours sleep that allows me to escape for a while.
I'm emotionally and physically drained, as I know you are. I'm waiting for the day to come that I actually feel excited about something again.
My heart breaks for you because I know what you are going through. To say it sucks doesn't do this horrible thing justice.
I don't even know what to say. Keep smiling? Keep the faith? Stay in the positive? It's difficult to do any of those things with our hearts breaking every day and nobody else truly understands. There doesn't seem to be much relief right now. What the hell are we supposed to do?
All I can do is keep praying and I definitely will say a prayer for you today.
PJ

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Stop the World I want to get off NOW !!!

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Stop the World I want to get off NOW !!!