Struggling after losing my Mom

My mom passed away a year ago on February 22. She was 59, I was 26. After a long battle with cancer, she ended up passing away due to a rare side effect she experienced from her medication. She ended up on a respirator and then being air lifted to a larger, better hospital.
My mom was my best friend. Quite honestly she was my only friend. She was a massive part of my every day life. She was my 2 year old daughters best friend and watched her everyday when I was at work. They were each others whole world and they adored each other. My daughter has so many fond memories of her Nana and speaks of her many times a day. Of course at the young age she is at she can not understand death and still is patiently waiting for the day her Nana comes back. Every night she calls me back into her room after I tuck her in to tell me she misses Nana. It breaks my heart but in a way I am just thankful that she remembers her and can remember the love and times she had with her.
I just miss my mom so terribly. I has left such an empty spot in me that never gets any better. I still can't believe she is gone. Like I said at the beginning, my mom battles cancer for a long time- 13 years. She was diagnosed when I was in elementary school. She went through many treatments and trials for years. She never ever gave up and was so positive. She wore a bracelet that said "I Believe", and she did and we did. Eventually that bracelet was replaced with one that said "We believe". When I was in grade ten, I was told that she only had a year to live. My mom fought so hard. She went to the gym daily to work out to be stronger, she did every treatment they threw her way... And she did them with a smile, even baking the doctors muffins to bring them when she went. She never complained, never let anything slow her down. She always just fought and made every day count. She was really one of the most inspirational people I have ever met or even heard of. She would not let it beat her and often said she just felt bad that we had to go through it. She was the best mom, seriously she always put us first... Even when she must have felt miserable, she never let us see it. Her actual death came fast though. It was about a matter of three weeks. She had a rare side effect from one of her mess which really hurt her lungs. After about a week at our local ICU she was put on a respirator and air lifted to a bigger, better hospital in one of the bigger cities just over an hour away. We never left her alone. Between my dad, brother, and I, someone remained by bedside at all times. She was alert and would write to communicate. When she first woke after being sedated to be air lifted, she asked where she was and then wrote "I am determined". She spent about two weeks there with out any successful treatments and with her 02 levels too low to remove the respirator or even get a trachea respirator and then started to have complications from the respirator. Once they told us things were only going to deteriorate more and more and than more and more complications would start to happen we decided that mom would not want to live like this and we most certainly did not want her to suffer. She was no longer conscious at this point and hadn't been for two days. Hours later, that was it. They took her off of the respirator and as she would have wanted, we stayed by her side until the end.
I am struggling now. I feel ashamed of this. My mom was so strong and so positive and went through so much... And I feel so much sadness in her loss and I am really having trouble coping with it. I miss her and I need her. She was my everything and now I am alone. I try and make up for her loss for other people... Calling people I think she would think I should, trying to care for my dad. Trying to do the things she did with my daughter so she doesn't miss out, trying to help everyone else cope with her loss. From the outside no one would now how terribly I am coping. I try to keep things positive because that's how my mom was. And truthfully I am not close enough with any other person than my mom that I am comfortable expressing those feelings to. I am angry and impatient sometimes. Other times, I am sad and lonesome. I try to be happy and at least put forward the appearance that I'm doing alright. I'm sure one day things will feel better but I certainly don't know how much time that will take. I miss you Mom, AML AML Love you.

Comments for Struggling after losing my Mom

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Apr 02, 2013
Holding you close with a heart full of love and compassion.
by: Wendy

Bless your heart honey, I am 59 and lost my mum seven weeks ago ... I think the feeling of being alone is the hardest part even with friends and/or family close at hand...there just simply is nothing that comes near to the bond mother and daughter have..nothing. My mum was in England, I moved here in 1976 as a our relationship had been long distance for many years with visits as and when finances allowed...

It's amazing to me that the loss would be so acute..but time distance and space obviously didn't make any difference in that unshakeable bond..So I'm taking it day by dad very aware that part of my world, a very big part is not here any more and I feel like a little girl drifting all alone on the ocean sometimes..right now not so bad..

I know I will heal, but you know what? life will not ever be the same again without that stability of a motherly presence, even at my age and as strong as I am..there is deep loss and a huge empty space that all of us must just give time and patience to walk through this part of our journey and hopefully find some solace in the kind explanations of others either here or further along...

I'm sending much love to you and giving you a big cuddle (((sweetie))) more and more it becomes obvious to me that we ARE all one on so many levels..I am sending blessings and much love and big , gentle hugs to help you find your way back home to your own love of self. xoxox <3..Wendy

Mar 26, 2013
by: Anonymous

You did everything for your mom. You stayed with her until the end. You couldn't have cured her. You couldn't have erased what cancer and treatments did to her. When she wasn't really alive anymore, you did her the ultimate favor and let her go. That was hardest on you, not her. She wasn't going to survive that. You helped her have dignity. You can't and aren't responsible to make every else feel better. You have your own grief and if you don't accept it and go with it, you will be struggling for years. Your mom wouldn't want that for you. And just remember that you are, in part, the person your mom molded you into. You carry her in your heart as well as in your DNA. She taught you how to love so the love you give will be from her, as a gift, through you. She lives on in you. That's a part of her you can never lose. Cherish it. And don't hold yourself responsible for the sadness in everybody's life. Look for support for YOU. And I'm so sorry you have lost such a treasure. Just remember that her treasure was you.

Mar 16, 2013
Struggling after losing my Mom
by: Doreen U.K.

You are being too hard on yourself. You have lost your most precious mom who was your world. You are entitled to feel and behave how you want. Anger is also part of grief. Express this if you want to. There is nothing wrong with you or how you feel.
Don't compare yourself to your mom with her being a very positive person. You probably have a lot of this inside you. But can't be seen at present. You can't try to be strong for everyone otherwise you will crumble. Try a grief counsellor who will support you in this difficulty you will then be strong enough to support everyone else because you will feel better and different with the right support. You will grieve in stages and heal from this.
Also your mom was older and as an older person myself we have reached a level of maturity and some wisdom that is easier for us to accept the trials of life with some dignity. You will also when you are older. WE are all different and bring difference to the table of life. Each of us when we die will be remembered for something positive we did in life to make a difference to life. You will struggle for some time. You don't have to do this alone. It is not weakness to show that one needs support. It is actually a very mature and wise thing to do as you will see later in life. Everyone needs someone in life. We weren't meant to live in isolation. I know it hurts like H--L. But in time with loving family and friends and professional support you will find life get easier and less painful.

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