Struggling after losing my Mom
My mom passed away a year ago on February 22. She was 59, I was 26. After a long battle with cancer, she ended up passing away due to a rare side effect she experienced from her medication. She ended up on a respirator and then being air lifted to a larger, better hospital.
My mom was my best friend. Quite honestly she was my only friend. She was a massive part of my every day life. She was my 2 year old daughters best friend and watched her everyday when I was at work. They were each others whole world and they adored each other. My daughter has so many fond memories of her Nana and speaks of her many times a day. Of course at the young age she is at she can not understand death and still is patiently waiting for the day her Nana comes back. Every night she calls me back into her room after I tuck her in to tell me she misses Nana. It breaks my heart but in a way I am just thankful that she remembers her and can remember the love and times she had with her.
I just miss my mom so terribly. I has left such an empty spot in me that never gets any better. I still can't believe she is gone. Like I said at the beginning, my mom battles cancer for a long time- 13 years. She was diagnosed when I was in elementary school. She went through many treatments and trials for years. She never ever gave up and was so positive. She wore a bracelet that said "I Believe", and she did and we did. Eventually that bracelet was replaced with one that said "We believe". When I was in grade ten, I was told that she only had a year to live. My mom fought so hard. She went to the gym daily to work out to be stronger, she did every treatment they threw her way... And she did them with a smile, even baking the doctors muffins to bring them when she went. She never complained, never let anything slow her down. She always just fought and made every day count. She was really one of the most inspirational people I have ever met or even heard of. She would not let it beat her and often said she just felt bad that we had to go through it. She was the best mom, seriously she always put us first... Even when she must have felt miserable, she never let us see it. Her actual death came fast though. It was about a matter of three weeks. She had a rare side effect from one of her mess which really hurt her lungs. After about a week at our local ICU she was put on a respirator and air lifted to a bigger, better hospital in one of the bigger cities just over an hour away. We never left her alone. Between my dad, brother, and I, someone remained by bedside at all times. She was alert and would write to communicate. When she first woke after being sedated to be air lifted, she asked where she was and then wrote "I am determined". She spent about two weeks there with out any successful treatments and with her 02 levels too low to remove the respirator or even get a trachea respirator and then started to have complications from the respirator. Once they told us things were only going to deteriorate more and more and than more and more complications would start to happen we decided that mom would not want to live like this and we most certainly did not want her to suffer. She was no longer conscious at this point and hadn't been for two days. Hours later, that was it. They took her off of the respirator and as she would have wanted, we stayed by her side until the end.
I am struggling now. I feel ashamed of this. My mom was so strong and so positive and went through so much... And I feel so much sadness in her loss and I am really having trouble coping with it. I miss her and I need her. She was my everything and now I am alone. I try and make up for her loss for other people... Calling people I think she would think I should, trying to care for my dad. Trying to do the things she did with my daughter so she doesn't miss out, trying to help everyone else cope with her loss. From the outside no one would now how terribly I am coping. I try to keep things positive because that's how my mom was. And truthfully I am not close enough with any other person than my mom that I am comfortable expressing those feelings to. I am angry and impatient sometimes. Other times, I am sad and lonesome. I try to be happy and at least put forward the appearance that I'm doing alright. I'm sure one day things will feel better but I certainly don't know how much time that will take. I miss you Mom, AML AML Love you.