Such A Difficult Time

by Mary
(Ocean, NJ)

Eleven months ago today, Nov. 8, 2010 I signed papers for my husband, Gene to be put under hospice care. He passed away one month later, on Dec. 8, 2010. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in mid October. We were married for almost 41 years. I am having a very difficult time. He was such a wonderful person. Generous, humerous and loving. I must say we had a wonderful marriage and I am thankful to have had him in my life for all those years. As Thanksgiving approaches I am feeling torn apart. I am grateful for my children, my grandchildren, my home, my family and the life I had with Gene. I am fortunate to have a nice home, I am able to pay my bills, but I am just feeling lost. I know the holidays, just like every other day, will be difficult and I am just not up to celebrating anything. Being a widow is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, going on alone is heartbreaking. I don't know what direction to go. My friends and family have been wonderful but I don't think anyone of them really understand how difficult this time is for me. I don't want to burden them over the holidays with my feelings and my pain. I know those of you on this site know how I am feeling. I appreciate your listening and understanding. For all of us that are on this journey, I hope we find some peace during this holiday season. I continue to have faith in God that he will help me and that my Gene is looking down from heaven and is helping me find my way.

Comments for Such A Difficult Time

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Nov 27, 2011
I am at the same place in time....
by: Anonymous

Your story is so close to mine. My husband and I were married for 31 years. On November 15, 2010 he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died on December 18, 2010. He was 53 years old.
We did not have any children.
I am grateful for the years we had together and I am grateful that I can afford to stay in our home, pay my bills and go to work. Financially, I am in good shape.
His illness came on so quickly (he went to his PCP because he had what he described as "discomfort & a bloated feeling" in his stomach) and he was still actively working up until the day he was diagnosed.
Like you, the loss I feel is tremendous. I have sought help from a counselor which I found beneficial. I also have my Faith that Danny and I will be reunited again some day & there are times when I can feel his presence.
Even though we did not have children, I am blessed to have family nearby that include me in their plans and I make sure that I push myself to attend any event they invite me to whether I feel like it at the time or not. Ultimately, I am able to enjoy myself for a little while and feel like my old self.
With this month being the one year anniversary, I can recall every detail of the last month of Danny's life (dates of drs appts, ER visits, the day my husband told me that I should go pick out a nice plot at the cemetery for US, etc). I woke up in the early hours of 12/15/2010 & Danny was sitting in the living room with all the Christmas lights on. He told me how much he loved Christmas and the window and tree lights and the Dept 56 Village and the smell of the wreaths. He told me to make sure I never stopped decorating for Christmas because he would be watching me:-) He was so lucid and just like his pre-diagnosis self. He became very ill later that day and was hospitalized. He was gone forever on 12/18. His funeral was 2 days before Christmas.
As much as I want to say to hell with Christmas this year, today I put up the window lights and the Christmas village. Next weekend I will get the wreaths. I know these are the last things that he got enjoyment from in his life and that will help me get through the difficult days ahead.
Peace, prayers and hugs to you as you go through this same journey. It is not easy but each day we get through brings us one day closer to joining our loved ones again.

Nov 09, 2011
Such a difficult time
by: Mari

I am very sorry for your loss Mary. It just takes time and is such a gradual process. Holidays and other special days make it harder as there are so many memories.
I am glad you have your grandchildren and can pay the bills ok. You seem to be thankful for the time you had with your husband and for those wonderful grandchildren. That means a lot.Just take things a day at a time.
Give yourself that needed time. The grieving process takes time. We are here for you and we understand. We care for you too.
This month marks the second year since my husband went to be with the Lord. It has not been easy. He always loved to celebrate my birthday and it is Nov 20th. He passed away on Nov 22, 2009.The grandchildren still miss him.I miss him too. I am very busy. I am taking classes and working and it helps to have to concentrate on my studies. It occurred to me that he would be proud of me for taking the classes as I will be 67 on my birthday. He was always proud of me. I get a little down just thinking of things but God is helping me. I have been fixing up the house too and I always ask my grandaughter if Grandpa would recognize the place. As for the holiday if you spend them with those beautiful grandchildren you will feel better. My little 10 month great gradaughter is sure a joy too. She gave me 6 kisses last night. Things like that sure help. May the Lord be with you. Keep posting.

Nov 09, 2011
Tis The Season
by: TrishJ

I feel your pain. As the one year anniversary approaches of my husband's death, I know the holidays are going to be difficult for me. Last Thanksgiving he was still here. He enjoyed his dinner. Seven days later he was gone. I barely remember Christmas last year. My children have moved on. They still love their and miss him. The put postings on facebook about him so I know they care. They don't want me bringing him up at family gatherings so I sit there dying inside and really not wanting to be there. Nobody wants to hear it. Not on a holiday. It's supposed to be a happy time. You are so right when you say nobody fully understands what we go through. Their time will all come sometime in the future but for now, they just don't get it.
We're all in this together and always here for you. We have to take the holidays like we do our day at a time. Hopefully we find some peace and joy during this season.
God bless.

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