Such a Wonderful Beginning

by Rachel Rodriguez
(Peoria Arizona USA)

We met on New Years Day. He was with his friends and my sister and I were playing poker video. A conversation was started up with my love. He was hurting due to a recent divorce and it was difficult to start a new life. I moved away thinking I don't want to hold anybody's hand at this point cause I was on the road to healing myself from a lost relationship.

We ran into each other again in the same casino. We started talking and the first thing I remember is the picture he brought out of his wallet. It was his grandchildren. He was so proud of them. On looking back it was almost as if he got his identity through them.

He asked me if he could take me out to lunch the next day. I said yes and we said we would meet in front of the registration desk. The next day I casually passed by the registration desk but he wasn't there. He later called me and he said he was on his way home because his friend had wanted to go back. He then said I'll drop my friend off and if you want me to I'll come back. I said "You mean you would drive all the way back?" He said yes I would like to get to know you.

We met that night over drinks. We talked and talked. I didn't think anything was going to come out of this meeting. He walked me to my room, we kissed and I told him he had to go. He respected my wishes and he left. I wasn't going to have a one night stand. I thought he had a great personality but nothing that really screamed at me that I wanted anything more.

He e-mailed me immediately that week and I responded. I told him a long distance relationship did not interest me. The second week he e-mailed me and said he had a free week-end could he please come and see me. I was extremely hesitant but I finally said ok and that I would arrange for a place for him to stay. He was ok with that.

When he arrived I was rather excited and I knew he was excited also. One thing led to another and before the week-end was up we knew we had a thing for each other. We met several times again, in his hometown, where we had met. We then started talking about the possibility of he moving in with me. He had financial issues but I thought we would be able to work through that.

One of the e-mails I sent him I listed all the possible challenges that could ruin our relationship. His response was "As long as we're in love and together we will work through them together. No one knows how we feel about each other. I was in love with him by then. My family consistently cautioned me about this sudden decision. I would not and did not listen to anyone. I wanted him with me and he wanted to be with me.

The first few months were great. I did not realize and I should have that he was going to be desperately lonely and home sick and missing his children and grand children.

We started having arguments about his children constantly texting him. I didn't understand the desperation he was feeling. I didn't embrace his family like he would have liked for me to. I started feeling a competition with them. He was hoping to get a job even though he was retired. That never came through. His life with me was just me and he included my children. He was a good man. He did everything possible for me. He just couldn't hold together without his family.

I am in such pain. I begged him to come back. He said he was focused on getting a job. He doesn't call me or connect in anyway. Although he did call me about a week and a half ago and said he was pretty sure that he might have a job. He said he would call me and let me know if anything happened. I have not heard from him since. He said he still loved me.

My counselor says that no communication might mean that he's hoping I'll get the message that it's over with. I'm a mess right now. I cry endlessly and don't know how to start my life over. It hurts so much.

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