Sudden Death is a Nightmare

by Carol, Seans mom

Always my Sonshine!!!

Always my Sonshine!!!

On November 13,2011 my 24 year old Sean did not get up for work. He had a blood clot develop somehow while he slept. Alot of talk about the blood clot on the 14th while he lay on life support. He suffered three major heart attacks. Sean was in good shape. What happened to my beautiful boy? I called him my hansome young man. He was the oldest of three and my only son,my sunshine. My life was destroyed that day. There is no way I will recover from his death. Life has gone on. I am still stuck. Stuck in that painful moment when I was told my 24 year old son would never be coming home. I was in complete shock. My mind could not process it. I could not understand how I went from having a life with three children in it to a life with two. A life without one of them is not a life. It is an existance. I am a shell. I try to survive for my daughters. I try hard. Haunting memories flood in. What did I do that would cause so much havac in my world? Could I have prevented this from happening? Why is Sean gone? None of this makes sense. I still can't believe it. How do I go on? I often visit the cemetary. I can't believe this is my life now. I don't understand. Death has become such a big part of who I am now. Why?? I tell Sean all the time how sorry I am he did not get to live his life. I will never understand why. I will never have answers to so many questions. I will never be whole again. A big part of me died with him. Nobody understands the pain and anguish in my body and mind every day. My securities in life are gone. I am lost. I am sad and full of pain every single day. I have cried every day now for nine and a half months. I don't know how I will ever stop. My beautiful boy is missing from my world. I want him back. I want him back now....I will love you Sean Patrick for the rest of my life and I will carry such sadness that you are not here with me FOREVER...

Comments for Sudden Death is a Nightmare

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Sep 25, 2012
I lost my daughter
by: Mahlape

On the 30th of April 2012, I got a call that my 33 year old daughter, my first born had died suddenly while on holiday of a blood clot in her lung. She was to graduate cum laude in Operations Research on the 2nd of May. Instead she had a funeral on the 5th. Every day is a painful struggle for me. My daughter was my friend. I miss her so much. My heart goes to all you parents who have lost an adult child. There was so much we had hoped for.

Sep 03, 2012
by: Anonymous

Carol, I too lost my only son to a sudden death. I am so devastated there are no words to describe our pain, is there? His name is Scott Shawn. He was the light in my life. His smile made a hard day easy to cope with. I cry a river everyday. I had to go on Long term Disability and give up a really good job. I just couldn't cope. Crying at my desk. I miss my boy so much I have contemplated suicide. But my religion states I will not get a chance to see him again if I do that. I feel trapped here, nothing is normal anymore. How do we go on without our children. My Scott was 24. I beg God every night for strength. I am on my 4th anti depressant. And may lose my house. I have given up. I do not know how to go on without him. I am sorry for your loss. Please know I understand your pain.

Sep 01, 2012
Sudden Death
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Carol,
I cannot imagine the grief of losing a child. My dear sweet mother-in-law, who is 92 has lost her husband(56)40 years ago to cancer. She lost a daughter(53)to cancer 11 years ago, a son(51)to cancer 6 tears ago and my husband(67)to a massive heart attack a year ago on June27th. I remember her telling my husband and myself after the death of his sister; losing her husband was hars, but losing a child is worse. I know my grief; my aching heart and a piece of me gone. We were married for 46 years on the 26th of June 20,2011, he ied on the 27th.
Unlike your son, my husbands death was instantly. One minute here and then gone. My moth-in-law told me my life is forever changed, but we have to go on. She is so right. Nothing is the same, not even me. I mat look like me outside, but inside I am sad, lost and miss my husband so much. I miss ll the little everyday things we all take for granted.
He was retired and I had planned on retiring last year. We do not get to enjoy retirement together. I am working a part time job. I really in my heart want my old life back. That is not going to happen. so I am doing what I have to do to survive. Being with people helps. I still come home to an empty house. Yet, I feel his presemce here at home. I TALK TO HIM ALL THE TIME.
We will never understand why our loved ones were taken from us. I have 5 adult children, one a cancer survivor of three years. When our oldest daughter told my husband and myself of her breast cancer, the fear was there. My mother died 36 years ago from breast cancer, my sister-in-law died from it 11 years ago. We prayed everyday and went to the Chapel lighting candles for Lynette. After her sugery and the good news we received, we again went to the chapel to thank our Blessed Mother. In our daughters case, it isn't her time yet.
We have all the what if's, why's, should of's and could of's. We have to learn to accept. and acceptence is the hard part, our lives are forever changed. We have very special angels watching over us. I truly believe they are in heaven watching over us. The birth of a child is such a miracle, there has to be something better, when we die. There is another life with perfection, waiting for us. I am a strong believer of that. It is what keeps me going.
Your son, Sean, is with you always. You carry him in your heart. Cherish your memories, he is your son, death doesn't take that fact away from you. We will always miss the physical, what we can't see or touch, but think about it, the spiritual is so much bigger. It doesn't take the sadness away, we will always carry that in our heart. I will always love and miss my husband and Yes, our lives are forever changed.

Sep 01, 2012
Sadly the same
by: Ryans Mom

Carol, my Ryan died Jan 2011 - and I still feel the exact same way you describe. A shell. That describes it perfectly. Yes we are functioning on the outside - or so it appears. We will never be the same person we were before our sons were taken from us. Everything in my life is divided - before this happened and after. Before i was a happy outgoing person who loved spending time with my children -- planning get togehers, cookouts all the things moms love to do. After - I have no desire to do anything. I have to force myself to even make a effort to do something. When I do i pretend for the sake of the other family members but my heart isnt in it. I wonder will it always be like this ? I want my son back - somedays I feel as though I cant keep living like this. Yet I (we ) go on. On the really bad days I pray and pray. Carol I have seen many of you post - if you would like to contact me to talk about our sons just post your email. I will be praying for peace in your heart today.

Sep 01, 2012
Sudden Death is a Nightmare
by: Doreen U.K.

Carol I am so very sorry for your loss of your son Sean Patrick. This is a tragedy of a sudden death. You are in such pain and anguish and so I urge you to go and see a bereavement counsellor for support now and assistance in how to cope with ongoing grief that is tearing you to pieces. My sister lost her 30yr. old son and I know only too well what we went through as a family. 6yrs. on it still hurts. The pain is less but the scars will be there forever. Just to imagine your son not being here anymore is more than any mother can bear. You didn't do anything wrong. No one could have done anything to save your son. Blood clots work so fast and do a destructive work that kill so fast. It is such a shock to first of all find your son in sleep and unable to wake up. Then Fear and Panic set in. Then shock and numbness. Then disbelief as if this is not real. I am still in this state today after losing my husband to cancer 4 months ago. I had to watch Steve die slowly over 3 yrs. suffering is so very painfull. I am still searching for my husband. Thinking he is out there somewhere. Steve worked all over the world as a carpenter and so I was used to Steve being gone from home for long stretches of time on exhibition work. It feels as if Steve is away on a job and he is coming home. Then the cold hard reality sets in and I realise it wasn't a dream it is true. I am getting very fast motion glimpses of Steve. Then I want him back urgently, almost like a feeling of Panic. I have nightmares that Steve is lost and I am in a panic telling everyone to look for him. It is a hard place for us to be in our grief. I hope the days ahead get easier for all of us in the same place as you today. May you be comforted and have Peace today and ongoing.

Sep 01, 2012
Sean Fulfilled God's Purpose For Him
by: Anonymous

I, too, suffered a sudden, tragic loss. I have been in such agony since then. But I think, how lucky for that person who gets to depart this world early to go to paradise. I would rather live my days in the joy of Heaven than here in the sorrow of the earth! For now, the reality is that I have children here on earth who still need me and they don't deserve to have a mom who is ready to abandon them for that paradise. I am constantly reminding myself that I have a duty to stay and ensure that they are all raised properly so they will all make it to Heaven. That way, we can all be reunited one day. Hang in there.

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