Sudden death of Mum

by CB
(Ireland)

I lost my mum tragically in October 2009 after being diagnosed with cancer 10 weeks previously. This was just after I had given birth to my first baby . Myself and my Mum were so close. We spent so much time together and had such plans when the baby came. We talked about everything under the sun. We were best friends. She was so looking forward to being a Granny for the first time and had written this in her diary which I saw after she died.

My Mum was so healthy, she never drank or smoked. She exercised all the time, had a great faith, ate healthily and had so many hobbies and interests and friends. She was only 63 when she died but looked no more than 50. She had never been sick before.

Since she has died I feel so guilty all the time. Certain conversations that we had stick out in my mind so much. I remember how she used to try and give me advice – but I was always too self righteous to let her. I always knew best – even though she did. I would so love this advice now. I remember when I used to head for home after visiting her and she would come outside and keep chatting and chatting. She obviously did not want me to leave. But I seemed to always be rushing.

Now that I’ve had my own daughter I realise the immense love that she had for me. But I never appreciated it when she was alive. She was so selfless.

My little girl is now 11 months old –she was just 10 weeks when Mum died. I realise every day how huge it is, the loss of my mother. Every little tiny thing that my baby does would have been shared with my Mum no matter how small. All I want to do is pick up the phone and call her to tell her everything. I can’t tell anyone else.

I so wish that my daughter would have known her granny. Her granny would have taught her so so so much and have loved her so much. She would have been an amazing Granny and I am so angry that she did not get the chance to do this.

The grief I feel is so huge – I have become very insular about it as I feel others don’t understand… There is such a huge hole in my life that will never ever be filled. I read back over my words and they don’t even remotely express the depth of my feelings …. Words just cannot express the grief that I feel….