Sudden shock, feel like a lost little girl...

by Louise

On November 3rd 2013 18.33 I got the call. Mum had been trying to ring me all day... I had been in rehersal for my latest play and my phone had been on silent in my bag.
When i finally answered, it was my mother, her voiced sounded strained. Looking back i could tell this was an awful moment for her. Having to tell her 22 year old daughter her father, her husband of 30 years, had died unexpectedly at 52.
I just dropped the phone, collapsed right there on the stairs, i thought life would never be the same again.

He had epilepsy, controlled with various medications that meant he hadn't had a seizure in 3 years. Apparently the risk of dying from epilepsy is rare... so rare when you get the diagnose most doctors don't bring it up. But that's what happened. "Sudden unexpected death in epilepsy". There's no exact cause of how it happened, or why, or if it was preventable. It just happened. Gone.

I guess I was in a great deal of shock for the first month. I basically remember nothing from November. I performed a whole run of shows (i am a theatre actress) and remember nothing from them. Then came the funeral... everyone said it'd get easier after that.
It's gone the other way.
Sometimes my sadness is so strong, and my urge to cry so uncontrollable that i just have to stop whatever i'm doing and find the nearest space to be alone. I don't like to get upset in front of others, i feel too vunurable.

My mum is heartbroken, it upsets me so much to see her in this way, she's only 48, he was her first boyfriend. There whole life they've been together, never spending more than a weekend apart.
I feel like i'm the parent and she's the daughter... I ring her constantly to check up on her. I think it annoys her some days, but i just know she's struggling.

I feel so weak and lost in myself, i haven't really discussed how i feel to any of my family, we're just not that sort of family.. In fact the only member of my family i would turn too when i was upset for solace was my Dad... And now he's gone.
I live with a roommate, she's been a great help to me as have most of my good friends... but it's been nearly 3 months now, and people forget... they think you're healed. But if anything the pain feels worse. I no longer have a Dad.
I'm 22 and i feel there's so many more big events in my life to come and he won't be there when i get married and my children (when i have them) will never know what a fantastic man their Grandfather was. I'll never get to ask his advise again and he'll never see me grow into a real woman.

This is the first time i've put down all my feelings like this, so sorry if this has been a bit all over the place. I just miss him so much. I don't know how i'm going to get over this.

Comments for Sudden shock, feel like a lost little girl...

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Jan 27, 2014
I'm so sorry. I know how you are feeling
by: Louise

Louise. I have just read this and I am upset sending you this as you sound like me.
I received a phonecall on Tuesday 18th December from my Mum to tell me that my Dad had collapsed in his way to work. Two police officers came to her door to tell her.
We travelled to the hospital thinking that when we got there my Dad would maybe be sitting up in a bed, waiting for us to arrive. Instead, my Dad had suffered a sudden cardiac arrest at the age of 62 and was on life support. That was the case for one week. My Dad then passed away on Christmas Day 2012.
Like you, my Dad was the main man in my life. He was loving, kind, a computer one off person. I'm still lost. I get angry and I panic that I never got to say goodbye to my Dad or tell him how much I loved him.
I worry about my Mum. She is only 59 and my Dad was with her since she was 17 years of age. I now panic about losing her.she puts a face on things but I know she is destroyed inside. I just know the pain, hurt and disbelief you feel.
Its a pain that hurts so bad. Some days worse than others.
They say grief is the price we pay for loving someone so much. This means we clearly loved our Dads immensely.
Thinking of you Louise. Xx

Jan 24, 2014
There too
by: Stacy

Louise- very sorry for your loss. I feel the same feelings. Hang in there. Sending prayers your way.

Jan 23, 2014
Dear Louise,
by: Anonymous

I could have written this post myself. I am so sorry that you are going through this, I know how awful it is. I lost my father suddenly also. It has now been a year. He and my mother had been together for almost 50 years. I struggle with the same emotions. The raw grief, the crying, checking up on my mother constantly. All of it. My father was the one I would always go to for comfort and advice, and now he is gone. I can only tell you that each day does get a bit easier. Some days are much better than others. I think about him often, and can smile and remember all of the wonderful things he did and said. Reading other posts on this site has helped me a great deal. You are not alone - we all understand exactly what you are going through. Be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. You will be in my thoughts and my prayers. Take care, Barb

Jan 23, 2014
by: Louise

thank you so much for your comments, it's very hard to know how best to help my mother through this time so any advice is appcrieated :)

i'm going to visit Mum this weekend, i'll tell her to get in touch with me whenever she needs so i don't have to bother her all the time! Just worries me because i don't think if she was feeling like she needed to talk she'd actually pick up the phone.. she'd probably just open a bottle of wine instead.

i am so sorry to hear of your loss, i could never begin to imagine how you (and my mother) are feeling.

Jan 22, 2014
Sudden shock, feel like a lost little girl...
by: Doreen UK

Louise I am sorry for your loss of your Dad to a sudden death. The uncontrollable crying you are experiencing is the first stages of raw grief. It is actually very healthy grief to express this. Don't hold back grief no matter where you are. Grief creeps up on us when we least expect it and even in public places where we find it hard to express our grief.
I know you want to keep checking up on your mum to see she is coping. The best way is to tell your mum to call you whenever she needs to and as often as she needs this. Ask her also how you can best help her through her grief. This way you will be giving her the space to process her loss of her husband and how she is going to cope without him. A wife/mother dedicates her life to her family and when you lose a husband the first feelings are "What do I do with Me?" "How do I go on without the man I loved?" Your mum would appreciate the space to deal with all the crushing thoughts. But keep an eye on her. See a CRUSE bereavement counsellor if you think your mum or even you need this support. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 20 months ago and I feel my grief worse now. I feel the loneliness more and feeling so ALONE. I am in the same place as your mother so know what she is going through. Even if you are not a close family, this may be a good time to come together and mend relationships. Grief pain is on going for some time. Don't let anyone tell you that you should be over it. There is no such thing. WE just learn in time to live with our loss. But for your mother it will be harder. My husband did not get the chance to enjoy our two baby grandchildren. I didn't get to retire with my husband. I feel so lost. Life has lost it's quality. Take one day at a time. It really helps. I still can't look beyond today. If I do I start feeling worse, and lose my motivation. Don't give up hope. Life will get better daily. Some days will be good and some bad days. But they soon pass. I wish you better days and months ahead in your grief.

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