Sudden shock, feel like a lost little girl...
On November 3rd 2013 18.33 I got the call. Mum had been trying to ring me all day... I had been in rehersal for my latest play and my phone had been on silent in my bag.
When i finally answered, it was my mother, her voiced sounded strained. Looking back i could tell this was an awful moment for her. Having to tell her 22 year old daughter her father, her husband of 30 years, had died unexpectedly at 52.
I just dropped the phone, collapsed right there on the stairs, i thought life would never be the same again.
He had epilepsy, controlled with various medications that meant he hadn't had a seizure in 3 years. Apparently the risk of dying from epilepsy is rare... so rare when you get the diagnose most doctors don't bring it up. But that's what happened. "Sudden unexpected death in epilepsy". There's no exact cause of how it happened, or why, or if it was preventable. It just happened. Gone.
I guess I was in a great deal of shock for the first month. I basically remember nothing from November. I performed a whole run of shows (i am a theatre actress) and remember nothing from them. Then came the funeral... everyone said it'd get easier after that.
It's gone the other way.
Sometimes my sadness is so strong, and my urge to cry so uncontrollable that i just have to stop whatever i'm doing and find the nearest space to be alone. I don't like to get upset in front of others, i feel too vunurable.
My mum is heartbroken, it upsets me so much to see her in this way, she's only 48, he was her first boyfriend. There whole life they've been together, never spending more than a weekend apart.
I feel like i'm the parent and she's the daughter... I ring her constantly to check up on her. I think it annoys her some days, but i just know she's struggling.
I feel so weak and lost in myself, i haven't really discussed how i feel to any of my family, we're just not that sort of family.. In fact the only member of my family i would turn too when i was upset for solace was my Dad... And now he's gone.
I live with a roommate, she's been a great help to me as have most of my good friends... but it's been nearly 3 months now, and people forget... they think you're healed. But if anything the pain feels worse. I no longer have a Dad.
I'm 22 and i feel there's so many more big events in my life to come and he won't be there when i get married and my children (when i have them) will never know what a fantastic man their Grandfather was. I'll never get to ask his advise again and he'll never see me grow into a real woman.
This is the first time i've put down all my feelings like this, so sorry if this has been a bit all over the place. I just miss him so much. I don't know how i'm going to get over this.