Suddenly and tragically

by Simon Wilson
(Adelaide, SA, Australia)

Carmen with our first born son Riley

Carmen with our first born son Riley

Just over 2 months ago my partner of 12 years passed away. Carmen was only 32 years old when she had a coughing attack and ended up having her airway blocked by phlegm or an asthma plug. It was traumatising as i was trying to help her and she was screaming at me because she was pannicking and struggling to breathe. Both our two young boys aged 5 and 8 were present also and now are without their doting mum. I am getting counseling and i understand why i couldnt help because of my adrenaline kicking in and causing me to panic but i relive the footage everyday and struggle with every little detail.
We light a candle everynight and talk to her and make a wish but the pain i feel for losing my soul mate seems to be out weighed by seeing the pain in my boys eyes for losing their mum and especially at a young age. Life is not fair and this was a tragic accident that has changed our lives forever. I feel scarred and hurt and get angry all the time. I am not religous ad dont believe in god but i think i believe in the spiritual world. If only she could let me know she is ok it would give me some closure but then i think im going crazy talking to her ashes or photos and no matter how many times people tell me its normal i dont believe them.
I know i am a good dad and my boys will grow up into fine men but i feel guilty that i get to share and enjoy it and Carmen doesnt. I have experienced grief before with my cousin over a year ago and more recently my dog but this is so intense and like a disease that spreads. People say it gets easier well how do they know. I believe you get better at hiding it but the pain atually gets worse. I am keeping busy with work as it is healing for me to help children as i do and make a difference in their lives but when im home and late at night is the worse.
I suffer from anxiety now and some depression. I find it hard to leave my kids with anyone or even at school as im scared i wont see them again and i gratefully accept friends offers to take my boys out for the day but i am constantly thinking about how they are and if they are sad and can get love and support from who they are with.

This is just a brief look at what im feeling but it goes much deeper than this. I hope i can one day live a relative normal life again.


Comments for Suddenly and tragically

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Aug 24, 2013
Suddenly and tragically
by: silver

My sister died from an asthma attack.I was at work and she called me to come see her.I was tired and almost didn't.I am so glad I did because it was the last time I talked to her.She had the attack after I left her.Her husband took her to the hospital(about 15 miles)Her 12 yr old son was in the car when she quit breathing. The hospital people got her back but she had brain damage.She died shortly after.They called me and I went to the hospital.I was devastated.She was the youngest of 6 kids.I have asthma and have had a couple of bad attacks.The worst was August 2012.My husband had died 15 months previously and all of a sudden I realized he really wasn't coming back.I understand your feeling of devastation.My children were grown and on their own and I felt(and still sometimes feel)lost.I don't think it's crazy to talk to her ashes or pictures.I do the same.I talk to him every so often when I remember something he used to say or see or hear something he used to like.I tell him good night and I love him every night.For me it's been a little over 2 yrs so I can totally see what you are saying.I keep us in my prayers.GOD send you strength and peace.P.S. I believe they are looking down on us and sending love to help us through.

Aug 21, 2013
by: Anonymous

My deepest and sincere symphathy to you in the sudden and very traumatic loss of your wife.

Please believe me when I say we all talk to the pictures and ashes of our beloved. I used to open the credenza where my husbands ashes were sitting and tell him I was leaving for work. I would discuss decisions with his picture. This is how I tried to create some semblance of normalcy in my life. Persons who are looking in from the outside might think this is crazy behavior but none of us who have walked through grief would even look twice. This is not crazy or strange it is normal. You miss your companion so dreadfully this is a way to connect with her even for a second to two.

Right now you have a huge job of healing yourself and trying to comfort your sons who are confused and missing their mommy. This is a gargantuan job so be good to yourself. Believe that you can do it because you can.

Many blessings to you



Aug 21, 2013
I Know How You Feel
by: Anonymous

I lost my dad six months ago suddenly due to brain hommorhage. I have two beautiful young children so I had to live for them but I didn't find the meaning of life and was going into depression. Then I went abroad last month for one month and it helped me to cope with the pain. Somehow I felt different and I think about my dad everyday and feel very sad but I can deal with the pain and go on with my life. But suddenly, last night after my children went to sleep, I start to think why I couldn't save my dad and I felt tremendous sadness. I managed to go into sleep last night and this morning, I felt very sad but I kept myself busy and now I can deal with the pain. My life has been changed forever since circumstances surrounding my father's death was so tragic but I now know that I can go on although I can never feel truly happy again. I am so sorry for your loss.

Aug 21, 2013
Suddenly and tragically
by: Doreen U.K.

Simon I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved Wife Carmen to a sudden death. I think in cases of asthma that one can die suddenly. It scares me because I suffer with Asthma and cough and choke all the time with phlegm. My 2 sisters suffer severely also. I don't know if Carmen used inhalers for Asthma? I don't use mine as I am fed up of all the medication I am on. But I am told that the lungs get blocked with pockets of phlegm and using an inhaler causes these pockets of open and allow the person to breathe by dispersing this phlegm. So there would be nothing you could have done. Carmen should have used an inhaler as a preventive and one to help with breathing. Don't beat yourself up with guilt.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. 15 months ago to a deadly cancer caused by working with Asbestos in the workplace not known as a hazardous material and a killer. All cancers from this material ingested is terminal. To lose a life partner is a very hard grief to recover from. You have so much responsibility on your shoulders now. It is the evenings, weekend's and the holidays that are the worst. My children are all grown up now but I now feel vulnerable to losing any one of them. This is what grief does. I know your pain goes deeper than you can express. I am glad you are seeing a counsellor. It does help. Had I not done counselling years ago I would not have had the inner strength to cope better with my loss.
I do have a Faith in God and this helps me cope better. I grew up with Faith so it comes easier for me. But I have had my moments of being angry with God for taking my husband from me. I have got past this now and more accepting. But I still cry and feel sad often. Grief does this. Any memory can trigger off emotion and pain from one's loss. If you have supportive family and friends it does make a difference to recovery.
Simon you will find that taking just one day at a time will help you cope better. Don't look too far into the future, otherwise the mountain would swallow you up. I am still in the valley and will not allow any mountain in front of me that I have to climb. I pace myself. In time you will find the days get easier. You will go back and forth and wonder at times that you are not progressing. But you will. You have wonderful children to help you. Life isn't fair. It does hurt to see life go on as normal whilst ours is upside down and we are so bruised by grief we can't get back into the rhythm of life because the one person who made our lives complete is gone. May God Comfort you and give you Hope and strength to go through life.

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