Suddenly and tragically
by Simon Wilson
(Adelaide, SA, Australia)
Carmen with our first born son Riley
Just over 2 months ago my partner of 12 years passed away. Carmen was only 32 years old when she had a coughing attack and ended up having her airway blocked by phlegm or an asthma plug. It was traumatising as i was trying to help her and she was screaming at me because she was pannicking and struggling to breathe. Both our two young boys aged 5 and 8 were present also and now are without their doting mum. I am getting counseling and i understand why i couldnt help because of my adrenaline kicking in and causing me to panic but i relive the footage everyday and struggle with every little detail.
We light a candle everynight and talk to her and make a wish but the pain i feel for losing my soul mate seems to be out weighed by seeing the pain in my boys eyes for losing their mum and especially at a young age. Life is not fair and this was a tragic accident that has changed our lives forever. I feel scarred and hurt and get angry all the time. I am not religous ad dont believe in god but i think i believe in the spiritual world. If only she could let me know she is ok it would give me some closure but then i think im going crazy talking to her ashes or photos and no matter how many times people tell me its normal i dont believe them.
I know i am a good dad and my boys will grow up into fine men but i feel guilty that i get to share and enjoy it and Carmen doesnt. I have experienced grief before with my cousin over a year ago and more recently my dog but this is so intense and like a disease that spreads. People say it gets easier well how do they know. I believe you get better at hiding it but the pain atually gets worse. I am keeping busy with work as it is healing for me to help children as i do and make a difference in their lives but when im home and late at night is the worse.
I suffer from anxiety now and some depression. I find it hard to leave my kids with anyone or even at school as im scared i wont see them again and i gratefully accept friends offers to take my boys out for the day but i am constantly thinking about how they are and if they are sad and can get love and support from who they are with.
This is just a brief look at what im feeling but it goes much deeper than this. I hope i can one day live a relative normal life again.