Sue

by Sue
(Natal, South Africa)

I lost my beloved husband Brian, three months ago. He had been in a wheelchair for 6 years due to unexplained, spreading paralysis of his lower limbs. He then developed type 1 diabetes and was in renal failure several times, the worst being last June, 2010 when the poisons excreted by his kidneys passed through his brain, causing severe confusion, which never improved. I nursed him at home, 24/7 until his death on 5th March this year. His health deteriorated steadily in spite of my constant care, and he developed terrible bed sores on his back and hips which got worse and worse daily. He never complained and, even at his most confused, always had a smile and a loving word for me - he forgot who I was for two terrible months but then remembered- that was the happiest day of my entire life!!!!!
He bore his pain and daily indignities with courage, love and fortitude- how can I get through this and accept that he has gone? We were together for 42 years and he is part of my DNA. Every corner of our home reminds me of him. I feel disconnected from the world without his comforting presence and loving arms. In his eyes I was perfect and beautiful and now I make terrible mistakes daily and, when I look in the mirror,I see an aging, lined, grieving and mourning wife who doesn't know whether waking up tomorrow morning is worth the pain.Those of my friends who have lost their husbands tell me this will pass and that I will learn to be happy again, but that I must accept that I will never be the same person I was before I lost my Brian. I must re-invent myself and realise that this strange life I am existing in now, is actually real life from now on and that it is up to me to make it liveable - and bearable - and, maybe, possibly, even happy again some day in the future. To all who have lost their life partners, with all my heart I wish you recovery and future happiness.
Sue

Comments for Sue

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Jun 25, 2011
Thank you Sue
by: Patricia From Las Vegas

Thanks for your kind words. Yes the world doesn't have any idea what were going through. I remember everything, the little tender moments, the wonderful Flocked Christmas tree (My first live tree and our last) and those arguments with our back facing each other at night. What I wouldn't give to have even his back to me at night. I asked a question to a friend "When does your heart stop hurting"? I can't imagine it ever would. He said "It won't, the key is to deal with the pain and move forward". Sometimes I feel like I'm in quicksand always sucking me back down, waking up with no breathe in my lungs and screaming with no one there to hold me again. It's a hard road we travel. My 1st year was relocating, a new job, new friends,(my Nascar family, there great) an apartment and sells the car that was ours. A lot of things you're not suppose to do according to the "Grief Handbooks" bla bla bla
We do what we have to. My saddest moment was not being in Arkansas on the 21st of this month, the 1 year Marker. I originally wrote Anniversary but its not a celebration. It's another step farther away from Billy. The love & passion we have with our partners is what keeps us going. We been forged and tempered through the years so when your feeling down, cry, scream and rant and rave but have no fear from this site or yourself.
Always
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year

Jun 25, 2011
We Are Here For You
by: TrishJ

Sue~
You have come to the right place. We are all grieving on this site. I lost my beloved husband almost 7 months ago. I know I was in a total state of shock for the first 60 days. I almost yearn for those days. As the fog started lifting and I was faced with reality I realized this was a life I wanted no part of. How do I live the rest of my life without those big strong hands holding mine? How do I go on without that smile and twinkle in his eyes. I haven't heard, "I love you honey," in such a long time. I miss that so much.
They say it get's easier but I'm still waiting to get to that point. I have really learned a lot on this web site. I've learned I have to be patient and take things one day at a time.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I also took care of my husband for several years before he passed. I try to hold on to the beautiful memories of the life we shared together. I have a beautiful daughter and handsome son to remind me constantly of his love. For that I'm grateful.
Come to this site and let us know how you are doing. We really do care.
One breath, one step at a time.
PJ

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