Suicide Tradegy!! 41 & Gone!!!

by Kathy Booty
(Walker, La)

Three years ago, I lost my soulmate, lover, bestfriend, and the father of two beautiful daughters. Chris was only forty-one and a man that stood out among a crowd. He was a beautiful six foot three man with a heart of gold! His death has affected so many people that loved him dearly. Chris lost his company and felt that he couldn't bear the pain of letting his friends and family down that he loved him so much!! They tell me that he took his life!!! The pain in my heart is so hard to bear! I lay night after night looking at his beautiful daughters yearning for their Daddy! People only see the smile that I wear on the outside but do not have a clue about the frown that's underneath the smile! This is the worse feeling that a woman could bear at forty-two! Money can never replace this empty spot in my heart! I just hope if you are reading this because of your pain...just know that you are not alone! Your feelings are real and normal! It makes you think that you are crazy. You are not crazy and God will give you strength when you are at your low! It's taking me three years to even write about this horrible tradegy. Crazy things as music in your ears remind me of him and certain scents that I smell. You will find yourself crying at the silliest thing & trying not to cry. You may even find yourself smelling their clothes! This is all normal. People will judge you for your actions. Everyone grieves differently! Some will clean out everything that your loved one owned! I'm cleaning it out gradually. Sleepless nites are forever. The emptiness in your heart never goes away!!! The truly horrible crying spells do get farther apart but time does not heal the pain. It onlymakes it bearable! Just realize that your feelings are normal. Everyone deals with grieving differently like I stated earlier. Follow your heart and tackle this journey in the way that helps you to cope with daily. Just remember that others will have opinions but the majority of these opinions have never walked in your shoes. I'm a very out going and strong minded person that is really just a girl with a big heart that is broken into a million pieces. My heart hurts for your pain and nobody's pain is greater nor less. Pain is pain. God bless you. Kathy :)

Comments for Suicide Tradegy!! 41 & Gone!!!

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Aug 15, 2012
I Thank You So Much
by: Anonymous

To D, UK,
I cannot even begin to express my feelings to your response. It greatly relieved me and sm going to
try to follow your advice.I miss my husband so
very much, but he is gone now, nothing will change that I know. My youngest son has cleared me from his life as I said along with my two
beautiful Grand Children. he also will not speak to my oldest son because we have a great relationship. My worst times are early morning
and late at night. Any suggestions? I am going to find counseling again as I don't seem to be moving forward. You gave me a very good feeling and the strength to get through for a while longer. I truly Thank You, Nancy

Aug 15, 2012
We Loved each other
by: Dee U.K.

It is hard when you love someone so much and end up feeling as if you never knew them at all. Almost like they lived a double life. At time of death then everything comes out of the woodwork. You find that he has had other woman in his life. Part of his life was a secret and you cannot resolve any of these issues with him because he is not here to answer anything. You say he was a principled man and he acted out of his character. Men will always be men and stray some time in their life and perhaps regret it but then get used to the thrill of having someone else there to take away their stress by being in another world for a while. Your son blames you and won't let you see the grandchildren. Concentrate on yourself for now. Get help for your depression. Even go into counselling. You will eventually emerge for this a new integrated person. Almost like getting your life back. Then you can handle your son. If you want to otherwise leave him where he is and move on with your life. Let this be your son's loss of not having you in his life. When he sees that you are distancing yourself he will feel like the loser and may come around. Just don't let anyone blame you or treat you badly. Put them in their place. All you need to do is be assertive and look after yourself. then GO and find love again in your life. Don't let your husband's meandering ways leave you LONELY and unloved. Find New life again.

Aug 14, 2012
Thanks 4 all ur support!!
by: Anonymous

Thanks for sharing your pain with me. All of our pain and grief are the same. I will always have an emptiness in my heart and ask myself "why"?? I just hope that others read this and get some peace by understanding these feelings of grief are natural. My two daughters suffer the most by seeing all their friends with their Dads... If only he could had his medication, I feel things would have been different.

Aug 09, 2012
Suicide Tragedy!!! 41 & Gone!!!
by: Doreen U.K.

Kathy I am sorry for your loss of your husband to suicide. You don't have to be brave and try to handle this grief on your own. My nephew at the age of 30 threw himself in front of an express train and the fire services had to use thermal imaging to recover all the body parts. My sister was mad with grief and had to have a grief counsellor. Her pain was so bad she couldn't bear this. The type of death affects the grief and to try to handle such pain without support can be very overwhelming. With this good support structure you can recover to the degree that the pain will get less over time but you will never lose the scar. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 3 months ago to a deadly cancer. Grief is unbearable and hard a lot of the time. It makes no sense to be in so much pain. But it is part of the human experience. But thank God for the trained professionals who can assist one in such pain to make it more bearable. LONLINESS is a hard battle to face for the rest of our lives. Let us try to help one another through this grief so that we can move forward better and recover into life again.

Aug 09, 2012
We Loved each other
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous. I am sorry for your loss of your husband to suicide. People in pain who have suicidal thoughts are usually private people who don't want to share their private hell. Other's like my nephew at 30 did share his private hell and he was not cared for properly by the medical profession. He was put on drugs that caused suicidal feelings SEROXAT. was the drug. He would be behaving bizarre taking himself off to tall buildings and shouting down. "Someone please help me" but no one came. Alone he threw himself in front of an express train. The fire services had to use thermal imaging to locate all the body parts. My sister was mad with grief and had to have a grief counsellor come to her home to support her in awful pain. We are all affected by this tragedy which happened almost 6 years ago. Anyone who loses someone to suicide should realize this type of death needs urgent support from a grief counsellor. You cannot handle these feelings by yourself. Because your son is blaming you does not mean you are to blame. this is how he is grieving. having someone to blame. He is punishing you by not letting you see his children. Your grandchildren. A grief counsellor will help you to separate the issues around your loss of your husband and the loss of your son and grandchildren. Depression is normal in grief. But it needs to be attended to. Your husband made a CHOICE to end his life in a very desperate frame of mind that has affected all your lives. You will be able to recover from this terrible tragedy. But with the correct support. To see my sister now. She has the scar but less pain from her loss of her son. I hope that you will consider counselling support. It will be very painfull. But you will get better in time. It will be worth it in the end. In depression one can't see the wood from the trees and everything looks grey. I suffered depression for over 40 years. I went into counselling. I got my life back.

Aug 09, 2012
2yrs in
by: Hope

Thank you all for expressing the later feelings of grief. The 2 years + feelings where we wander in this life trying to make sense of it but underneath, far from the smiles and joy for living tries to survive is the lost soul inside that still asks....

Aug 08, 2012
We Loved Each Other
by: Anonymous

My spouse was 57, we were together since we were both 14 yrs old.It will be 2yrs in Sept that he took his own life.I will probably never know why,
he knew I was upset with him because he out of the
blue was doing prescription drugs and seeing another woman for 3ths, I was in shock at all of this happening to someone who was so well grounded
and I thought happy.He was layed off and felt worthless I guess.I was so very hurt that I basically couldn't speak to him, he would never
explain why he was taking pain killers and seeing
someone else. It was just not him at all. I loved him so, he just became some one else, why? We were
always so close. He hung himself in the house and
the worst happened,I found him with my son at my side, my son will never be the same, I hurt so badly for him also. My youngest son will not speak
to us or allow us to see his children, he feels it
is my fault and I should have done something to prevent it. The depression and pain is too much most of the time.

Aug 08, 2012
by: Anonymous

Kathy, you are so right. It's the worst feeling to go through at any age. The sad inside feeling of emptiness we feel will always be there. I drive to go somewhere and I feel so down even tho I'm driving to go out dancing or meeting friends. I never drove alone ..he was always with me. I normally cry on the way home, missing him , missing US. That emptiness is felt no matter what I do. It's been 2 years and I still can't part with his clothes and I still reach out to touch his shoulder at night like always..

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