Surfer chick

I fell in love with my husband the minute I saw him - I can remember the day, date, time and weather ,,,,, it was like a thunderbolt and despite it being almost forty years ago the memory is vivid, we had a love story that spanned a lifetime. He died in September 2012 and although I am writing this 8 months later - I still am not accepting it. At first there was a relief that he was no longer suffering from cancer which was ravaging his beautiful body - I was strong , positive and everyone was telling me how amazing I am ..... It was very clear to all that we had an enviable relationship - one that endured, was true and passionate. Now the realisation is beginning to dawn ....most of the time I'm still numb but now and then the pain hits. I feel physically sick - I am scared that it is going to get worse and I won't be able to cope - at the moment I won't stop ...I'm working hard, keeping busy all the time. I don't want to stop because I think I will be overwhelmed. My children and friends are supportive but I don't want to upset them - so I keep my feelings buried as deep as can, but I want him back - by my side - I want to be safe in his arms. I love him so.

Comments for Surfer chick

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Jun 03, 2013
Comfort
by: Shirley

Oh you guys sound so much like us. The knowing the minute you met, I lost my husband of 41 years the 12th of March 2013. I feel so much like you do and people were always telling me I was amazing even with the way I took care of him. I told them I am not amazing, he would do it for me. I so miss him as you do your husband. These things others experience as sad as they are help me to know I am not alone in what I am thinking and feeling. Because at times I feel I am going crazy. Most people now don't want to hear it or avoid you cause they are afraid or just plain don't know what to say. As we all try to get to a better place, if there even is one, it is comforting to know others share our grief. My prayers are with you.

May 13, 2013
surfer chick
by: silver

Dear one don't bury your feelings.I did the same thing and at the 15 month mark it came out and bit me.My husband died in May 2011.People said the same things to me.How strong I was. How well I was handling things.etc.On my birthday in 2012 I lost it.I cried so hard all day for 2 weeks and ended up in the ER with bronchitis,my lungs were raw. It took me 3 months to get better.It is normal to grieve.No one can tell you how to grieve or how long.No one can tell you how to cope.I hope however you do this that you allow yourself to feel lost,hurt,angry,scared,lonely or anything else that comes up.I still get lonely and I still cry at times.It happens when you miss someone's presence.I believe that I will one day be able to see and hold my love once again.I talk about him to others and I talk to him.GOD send you strength and peace I send you love and comfort

May 12, 2013
Grateful thanks
by: Surfer

Thank you for writing and telling your story ....it's all so very very sad.

May 08, 2013
Surfer Chick
by: Doreen U.K.

I have an identical story. I fell in Love with a man I was married to for 44yrs. In his 20's he cut asbestos in his job as an exhibition carpenter. 40yrs. later a slow growing cancer gives him MESOTHELIOMA an incurable cancer that took his life 3yrs.39days later. I had to watch him die slowly. He died 1yr. ago and I feel the same way you do.
I couldn't get busy. My body was sick with grief and I sat around most of the day on this grief site which has saved me. I then started to do small jobs. Days I would do nothing and looking back I have accomplished so much in 1yr. I am trying to complete this house for my children to inherit. It has been hard work and tedious. It will never be totally finished as houses go there is always something to do.
I was numb and still am in many ways. Just like you I feared I wouldn't be able to cope and I would fall to pieces. I HAVEN'T YET. But I cry more now as I feel my grief and loss now. I manage to keep strong in front of other people and then I have my silent moments of tears. I miss him and want him back. I am retired which makes it worse, but also good because I feel so physically challenged I wouldn't be able to work, with crippling arthritis. Days of emptiness and lonliness make no sense in light of retirement and enjoying those golden years together.
I don't think you will fall to pieces. If you sob and cry and your body convulses with sobs. FEAR NOT. This is actually good grief. This is where your Healing will come from. To not cry and grieve that is when you need to worry. It rather feels like our tears and emotions are all frozen and I thought the dam would suddenly burst. But it doesn't. This is God's way of giving us shock absorbers. This numbness and feeling frozen I think is actually for our protection. We thaw out slowly. The numbness becomes less as we accept what has happened. We have no choice. I have left signs that My husband lived here and I will be buried in the same burial chamber as him. It is such unbearable pain losing your life partner.
My husband used to light up the room when he walked in. I felt complete with him in my world. Now I just wait to join him. I get my comfort from the God Channel. But I switch channels when I hear someone is healed from Cancer. Happy for them. But sad for ME. We will survive because we have to even if it is for our children.

May 07, 2013
Grateful thanks
by: Surfer

Dear Pat

Thank you so much for your kind words - so good to share emotions without fear of hurting others - my children (who are all adults) have enrolled me in counselling so hopefully this will help - I think it is this which is beginning to expose some of my feelings. I am very grateful to have found this website and to also communicate with others who understand.

I am so sorry for the pain that you have experienced with the losses in your life - and I thank you for offering support to me. I appreciate the hugs - I will let you know how the councelling goes.

May 07, 2013
Hello Surfer chick
by: Anonymous

what Pat wrote is very true and very helpful. My prayers are with you and I hope that you find a way to get through your pain. You can't bury it sweetie. It always comes back up. So getting help from a grief counselor or grief group will be your saving grace. You can't hold it all in and be healthy. I pray the your Higher Power puts you right where you need to be to get the help you need. Take care of yourself Surfer Chick and look up when you feel like you are sinking into quicksand.

May 07, 2013
Dear Surfer Chick,
by: Pat in Missouri

As soon as I read your post, the memory of what a counselor once told me came back immediately. "Trying is very trying." In otherwords, you are trying too hard to be strong. You have never worked through your grief. The answer to dealing with grief is not to be strong. The answer lies in coming to terms with your grief; figuring out how to live without your lost loved one. I've been in the same spot. Don't feel alone. Many of us get caught in this spot, when we have to face the loss of a loved one.

You might want to consider a grief support group or a counselor. You need to scream, cty, hit things; get it all out. You will not begin to heal until you can get your pain out. It is not unlike healing from an injury. While you are laid up with a broken leg or whatever, you have to learn new ways to get around and regain your strength, until the break heals. You have to do the same thing with grief. We all have to learn a new way of living. Life is very different, when we lose someone close. We can't get out of death. It will happen to all of us.

We need help to get through grief. We see a doctor, when we are sick. We need to do the same thing when grief hits us. Getting through grief is tough. I lost my fiance', brother, and father all within 5 months in 2011. I am still stuck in some aspects of the grief journey. It isn't easy, but when we get through it, we will be stronger and better for it. I hope we can get through all of this together.

Take care, Surfer. I know what I have said is hard to hear, but it is completely sincere. I send you many hugs. Let me know how you are doing. Pat

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