Sweet baby Wilco

by Jennifer

My husband and I found out that I was pregnant September 2, 2009, one day before his birthday. He was excited while I was simply terrified. This pregnancy hadn't been planned, so to say it was a surprise was an understatement. I bemoaned almost every moment of the pregnancy...sore back, gaining weight, having to pee all the time, swollen ankles, carpal tunnel, feeling like I was being kicked in the bladder and the ribs simultaneously...I hated all of it, and I was scared of being a bad mother, of not feeling a connection to my child.

Then, on March 27, 2010, a month before I was due, I started having contractions. When they started to hit every 5 minutes, my husband rushed me to the hospital. William Coe was born March 28, 2010, at 6:08 AM. From the moment the doctor told me to stop pushing, and they laid him on my chest, and I looked into his eyes for the first time, I was a goner...this precious little one month premature baby captured my heart. I was so in love with him. If I didn't require sleep, I would've stayed up 24/7 just to watch him sleep and breathe and sigh.

When we came home, we knew about all the ways to reduce SIDS: keep them in the bassinet, breastfeed, keep the temperature comfortable, use a pacifier, etc. Then one night, baby Will would NOT sleep unless someone was holding him. Against our better judgment, we finally decided to put him in bed with us on a pillow in the middle of our bed so that if either one of us started to roll towards the middle, the pillow would stop us, and we wouldn't run the risk of rolling on top of him. It worked like a charm...he was sleeping for 4-5 hours at night, and when he woke up to eat, it was easy to move him into position, then go back to sleep after he was done.

A few weeks after he was born, he had developed some congestion and was coughing and sneezing a good bit, especially after we put him in daycare when I went back to work. Everyone told us it was normal, especially after being around other babies in daycare. He had his 2 month appointment scheduled for the morning of June 4, and I planned to tell them about his congestion then. He had also developed the habit of rolling off the pillow in the middle of the bed onto his stomach, but we'd either catch him in time, or his head would be turned to the side so he could breathe.

Early June 4, around 2:30 AM, I woke up and saw the lights on in the living room (my husband works the late shift and gets home around that time). Will usually didn't wake up to eat or be changed until around 3. I reached over to his pillow and didn't feel him there. I thought maybe my husband had come in and gotten him. As I was pulling my hand back from the pillow, it brushed against something between me and the pillow. It was baby Will...he had rolled off the pillow and was face down on the bed. I picked him up and put him back on the pillow, and it was the first time he didn't wake up and cry.

My husband came in and noticed that I was checking Will out. He turned on the light, and that's when we saw that he wasn't breathing. I immediately started CPR, and my husband called 911. I did CPR until the ambulance arrived, about 5 minutes later. A man came in and took him from me and rushed him out to the ambulance. After another 5 minutes, the ambulance took off out of our driveway. Other rescue workers were at the end of our driveway, and one of them told us which hospital the ambulance was going to.

We rushed there, and after waiting for 20 minutes, a nurse came out and told us that they were continuing to work on him, but there had been no change since they brought him in...no pulse, no response, nothing. We prayed for a miracle and offered God everything under the sun if only our son would be okay. Twenty minutes later, the nurse came out and told us the doctor wanted to see us in the family room. At that point, we knew...

I do remember when i was doing CPR, there was liquid, almost like milk vomit that came out of his nose twice, and the first time, there was a little trickle of blood. Also, while I was doing CPR, whenever I would give breaths, I could hear fluid somewhere in his system.

My husband and I miss our baby terribly...I have never hurt like this before, my heart is absolutely broken, and the worst part is that I feel like I'm responsible, and it's my fault that our sweet baby died. If I had only woken up earlier or sacrificed my own sleep for him to sleep in the bassinet, he'd still be here.

Whenever my husband talks about how much he misses him and how he wishes baby Will was still here with us, it breaks my heart even more because I blame myself. We knew he had developed the habit of rolling over, we knew he was at more of a risk for SIDS being born early, and (according to studies) sleeping in bed with us, and still we kept him there so he would sleep and so we could sleep.

Everyone I've told this to assures me there's nothing either one of us could've done, and that this kind of thing could've happened in the bassinet or in his crib. And I agree that it could have, but it didn't...it happened in our bed while i was sleeping, and it's my fault...my fault that we'll never get to see him grow older, learn to walk, start talking. My fault that we won't get to cuddle with him and kiss his cheeks and listen to him sigh and watch him smile...all my fault...

Comments for Sweet baby Wilco

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Aug 10, 2012
Guilty feeling
by: Anonymous

I Am not ready to share my story, but I just wanted to let you know I understand your " guilty feeling"...I just lost my sweet little peanut at 4 months of age; it wasn't my fault but everyday I carry this " guilt" around ...

Jun 12, 2010
Parents Guilt
by: Anonymous

In 1972 I lost a baby girl, she was just a day old. She was a month premature. I blame myself for her death also. I should have taken better care of myself while carrying her. I should have not gained so much weight. I should have walked. The list goes on and on.

I finally forgave myself after time. Knowing that I did the best that I could do. I was not a perfect parent but then who is. I grieved for my baby for almost 10 years and then on June 9, 1982 God bless me with another child. A little boy, I carried him for 32 weeks his lungs were not developed and he had to fight to live. He lived to be 27 years old but his life was a battle, he was always sick with asthma, diabetes and chronic pain.

On May 21, 2010 he went to Heaven to be with his sister. I am feeling the same guilt all over again. How much of his problems were due to his early birth and could I have done more for him after he got here on earth. I love my son and my daughter but right now I am overcome with the loss of my son and the guilt I feel. I pray that you and I both can recover and forgive ourselves for what we consider to be our fault. May our children rest in peace.

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