Sweet John's mom again
I haven't posted anything in 2 months, it has been a little over 3 months since my son John died in my home as I held his hand. He was sick only 5 weeks, and came home with hospice, he only lived and suffered 18 days. He was 40 years old and died of angio sarcoma, rare type of cancer of the heart. Every day I get his doctor bills sent to my house, I have sent them the death certificate but they still send the bills.
I am so exhausted from trying to remember every thing he ever said to me and the times we shared together over and over in my mind. I am grateful he was so loving and got to tell each other how much we cared. A couple of days before he died, he came in the kitchen and hugged me and said "mom I am scared" I said I am scared too and hugged him back. He told me he had a dream that he saw many relatives who passed on (with pointed faces) waiting for him, smiling and waving him on. I was afraid to ask him about this, but now I wished I did. He laid in my lap the day before he passed , and said "don't worry, but I have to go, I am good with God" He died the next day at 8:05 with his brothers, his dad, my husband and my best friend there with him.
I have that sinking feeling in my stomach and my heart aches whenever I think about this. I start crying when I least expect it. I go to bed every night and pray he will come and give me closure. My husband has told me, he feels helpless, cause he doesn't know what to do. I work 2 jobs to keep busy, but I am so tired. i don't think I will ever accept this.
How do you mothers do it? Do you think of your child constantly? Do you cry and feel bad most of the time?
What keeps you going on?