Sweet John's mom again

by Colleen
(Utah)

Hi,
I haven't posted anything in 2 months, it has been a little over 3 months since my son John died in my home as I held his hand. He was sick only 5 weeks, and came home with hospice, he only lived and suffered 18 days. He was 40 years old and died of angio sarcoma, rare type of cancer of the heart. Every day I get his doctor bills sent to my house, I have sent them the death certificate but they still send the bills.
I am so exhausted from trying to remember every thing he ever said to me and the times we shared together over and over in my mind. I am grateful he was so loving and got to tell each other how much we cared. A couple of days before he died, he came in the kitchen and hugged me and said "mom I am scared" I said I am scared too and hugged him back. He told me he had a dream that he saw many relatives who passed on (with pointed faces) waiting for him, smiling and waving him on. I was afraid to ask him about this, but now I wished I did. He laid in my lap the day before he passed , and said "don't worry, but I have to go, I am good with God" He died the next day at 8:05 with his brothers, his dad, my husband and my best friend there with him.
I have that sinking feeling in my stomach and my heart aches whenever I think about this. I start crying when I least expect it. I go to bed every night and pray he will come and give me closure. My husband has told me, he feels helpless, cause he doesn't know what to do. I work 2 jobs to keep busy, but I am so tired. i don't think I will ever accept this.
How do you mothers do it? Do you think of your child constantly? Do you cry and feel bad most of the time?
What keeps you going on?
Colleen

Comments for Sweet John's mom again

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Aug 13, 2011
Thats how it is with me too
by: Lucy

Every day of my life is filled with thoughts of my 37 yr old son who passed over a year ago. Everyone else goes on, life goes on, the world keeps turning, but my heart is deeply wounded. I try to move forward but keep moving backwards it seems. I can't get away from the memories, and the reality of his death. Some days I smile but there is a lot hiding behind that smile.

How do I deal with it? One day at a time, one minute at a time. I still struggle with it all. I have lots of questions that will never be answered. I will never understand it all and know the whys, as the whys are much too big for me. I just keep trusting the Lord to take me through this, although at times I fight a battle to hang onto my faith and belief in God.

One day at time, one minute at a time. (((((HUGS))))

Aug 05, 2011
From California
by: Anonymous

Colleen...it's really soon for you. For me it will be one year on the 8th when my sweet Dimitri died of leukemia at the age of 23 years and 27 days old. He was my baby boy and the most affectionate young man. He was handsome, compassionate, loving, smart and funny. As the one year mark is coming I'm finding that all the ground I've seemed to have gained is falling away. It's tough. I can only recommend what I found has helped me. The Compassionate Friends. If there is a group near you I highly recommend going to a meeting. If not, they have a facebook page. Another facebook group (which is a closed group so you can vent away) is called Grieving Mothers. Another facebook group is Parents who lost children to cancer. Lots of other people walking in our same shoes....
I'm so sorry you are in this horrible club.
Shirley

Aug 05, 2011
RUDE SHOCK
by: JOY

AS MOTHER'S , it is natural to think of our sons all the time. Pray ,that they be memorable thoughts of happy moments spent together while it lasts. We cannot help the thoughts but please try not to make sad memories all the time. Be strong and full of hope. The price we pay for love is loss. The joy is ,they are happy where they are and we shall meet one day. I wish you the best , as you go through this moment.
Lots of love.
JOY

Aug 05, 2011
A Mother's Love
by: Sara

Dear Sweet Lady... My only child passed 2 months ago and I don't really know how I keep going. My son left behind 2 young girls and now I am in the process of adopting them. They lost their mother as babies. In a weird way I guess I'm blessed because they have become my life now. I remember my son when I'm alone. That is the only time I can really have any feeling that is purely mine. Sometimes the pain I feel when i'm alone makes me want to give up living but, that is not at all possible. His girls are counting on me,I'm all they have now. This morning when I read your blog, I started to cry... I will never hear that sweet word "Mom" again.... God Bless You.

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