sweet John's mom

by Colleen
(Utah)

I posted my first page last week. It has been 39 days since my son John died. I read all your stories and I realize so many people are suffering. I also so realize this is is a loss that will stay with me until the day I pass on. I have three other sons and a husband, and I never want them to feel like this.So I wrote them all a letter to read after I die. I told them how special each is to me and why, I asked them not to grieve so much that they have needlessly suffer too much.
I know if John had written me a letter, he would tell me the same. But is so unnatural to lose you child, even if they are 40, should have been half is life not the end.
I am lucky in that in the last 18 days, I watched him accept his fate, and accept what was happening, reassuring me he was good with god. But seeing him take his first and last breath is almost more than i can handle. I have increased my hours, I have two jobs , but I am quitting my day job in December.
I am trying to save for a funeral in September, that is the next time one of his brothers (from afganistan) can be here.
I have asked people to share happy stories so we can celebrate his life.
My problem is, I don't want to go to work today, my patience is thin and when I people ask me how I am I say, OK - because it is easier. But I am not Ok and I am exhausted from thinking about him 24 hours 7 days a week. I miss him so and
feel so lost.