Taken so suddenly

by Katy g
(Essex uk)

I lost my dad two weeks ago on April 4th 2013. I am 28 and live with my boyfriend. I saw him on the Tuesday and was speaking to him on Facebook a few hours before I got a call at work from the police saying he'd been in an accident and was in the back of an ambulance then they put my mum in who was hysterical so found out where to get to and left work right away! I work in covent garden London and had to get the tube to Essex - worst journey of my life and there were delays on the central line...got to the station and as I walked out I saw ambulances and so many police cars - Like a scene from csi, I knew this was for my dad. Then at the exit of the station i saw mums friend and a policeman who had waited for me and that's when I was told infront of loads of people at rush hour - I broke down and was taken to mum. He'd already been taken the mortuary which has left me heart broken as I could even kiss him or hold him goodbye. He had to have a post morterm and it was actually a heart attack that he had at the wheel which made the car crash after passing out. I'm in shock still it's so unreal he had no problems apart from one episode so he had chest pains called 999 had tests at the hospital but they just found fluid on the lungs which is actually a sign of heart disease but this wasnt tested for so I'm angry and confused! This was in January and 3 months later he had died... My mum suffers from depression and has got very I'll over it so instead of greiving for my beloved dad I've been caring for my mum. Back to work on Monday but not sure I am ready. My whole world feels like it's over and just hope I can be strong enough to get through this.

Comments for Taken so suddenly

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May 09, 2013
Similar story
by: Anonymous

Hi Katie,

I'm really sorry about your Dad. I'm 28 too and my Dad died 8 months ago in very similar circumstances to your Dad, he was also driving and had a heart attack. I'm finding things very hard, still think I sometimes don't really believe it happened, if you ever want to talk to someone you can send me an email, morrison.jennifer101@gmail.com

Thanks and wishing you lots of peace and energy.

Jennifer

Apr 22, 2013
Taken so suddenly
by: Doreen U.K.

Katy I am so sorry for your loss of your dad to a sudden death. That journey from Covent Garden London to Essex is a tough journey but to know what you were rushing to must have made that journey twice as long and twice as painful as you didn't know what to expect. A lot of fear and anxiety takes over.
Your mum will have taken your dad's death so hard that depression has set in and she is not coping and you are now having to care for mum and now losing yourself to this maze of emotions and pain whilst also coping with a job.
The best you can do is still support your mum as best as you can but not take on the whole responsibility for your mum. Try and get your mum into see a CRUSE BEREAVEMENT COUNSELLOR and she will have her own time and space to talk about losing her husband. For your mum her grief will be different from yours losing a father but equally painful. I lost my husband to cancer over 11 months ago and my 3 Adult children lost their father whilst I lost a husband of 44yrs. This is so very hard because everyone is suffering in their own way and it is hard to tap into the grief of another. A lot of anger takes over and resentment can set in. Try and not let it by getting your mum the support she needs apart from what you are offering her. Grief is a very slow process to recover from. We will one day in time lose the pain but left with the scars of loss. I still wake up and wonder what my day would have been like if my husband had lived and started to enjoy his retirement. I now just like your mum have to cope with the lonliness. If you or your mum want to email me at doreenelkington@aol.com feel free to express what you are going through and what support I can offer either of you. This is the only way we are going to move forward. I am fortunate to have had supportive family members who have helped me move forward. If your mother has siblings they will be of immense support to her at this time and yourself.

Apr 21, 2013
Katy - I can tell you for sure you should not be over it!
by: Nancy

Grief has its' one timetable; so for you to think that you can be over the loss of your father in a week or two would be totally unrealistic for yourself. You probably are not even over the shock of your loss and there are several more stages to grief. I will not go into them here, but it might be in your best interest if you were to check them out in your local library, with your doctor, or a with a grief counselor. I am sorry to hear as well that your mother suffers from depression only because this will only cause her to stay longer in her depression if she does not get proper care. I think that as much as you would like to be there for your mother, it is important, especially now, for you to take this time, to heal yourself. Search out in your community what supports are available for you - they may even have family support groups - and if that is the case - invite your mother to join you.
Try to deal with any emotions that come up...when they come up...and do not deny them..or they will only show up some where else...when you least expect them...and you won't be able to understand what is going on with your emotions. Some people I know have been able to deal with grief in months and others it has taken them years to get over the loss of their loved ones. Try to be open and honest with yourself and take what ever time you need. Please know that I will be rooting you on...and praying for you...
Your grieving friend from
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Nancy

Apr 21, 2013
Dear Katie,
by: Pat in Missouri

I am so sorry for your sudden loss. You are still in a state of shock. It is not necessary for you to be strong. Grief is a very tough thing to deal with, but the sooner you let your feelings out, you will be better able to move forward. Your mother will need you. If she already suffered with depression before your father passed, this will be very tough for her. I hope she is on medication.

What is most important, now, is for you to take care of yourself. Loss is the hardest thing we humans have to deal with. It feels like a piece of your heart has been torn out. My father died just 3 weeks after my brother died in 2011. My fiance' also died that year. I am still lost, but I have come to the realization that the life process is a journey. We are born, we live on this earth, then the body dies, but the spirit lives on. It's the loss of the physical presence that we miss so much. In time, you will begin to feel your father's presence and it will be so comforting. For now, it's ok to give in to the pain. Cry as much as you need to, punch pillows to get the anger out. Whatever the reason the doctors missed your father's heart condition will not change the fact that he died. It was his time. Perhaps, God took him so that he would not suffer through more physical pain. Only God knows the why. I asked that too. My father wasn't sick either. I think he died of a "broken heart," since he never got over the death of my mother, then, suddenly, his son died too. It was too much for him to bear.

I send you many hugs. I know your pain is terrible. Be good to yourself. When you are ready, a grief support group might help. They are great because everyone in the group is going through the same thing. It is good to be able to lean on others who understand. Take care and God Bless you, Katie.

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