Tears

by Patty
(Illinois)

My mom died February 10, 2009 she was just about to turn 75 on march 25th. She had pancreatic cancer, diagnosed just b4 x-mas 2008. She had been complaining of back pain for the last year (blamed her mattress) and also what we thought was hip pain. She didn't have the same appetite anymore either for the last couple of years (looking back now). She went on hospice and died soon after. At home.

I was living with my parents most of my life. I had my son at age 22 and his dad was an alcoholic. I moved home while I was still pregnant. My mother and Father were my "spouse". My son's father and I divorced and he never saw him except a few times. He also didn't support me at all. I worked full time. My sister and my parents took care of my son while I worked.

My mom was my best friend. We could fight and argue like cats and dogs, but she loved me this much I know, and I her. I have no regrets but one, and that is I didn't tell her I loved her, nor did she tell me goodbye. I left the house to let my dogs out and came back to her house and she was in the hospice bed sleeping, she never woke up again.

My last exchange with her was pleading for her to get out of her "chair" (recliner) and into a hospice bed (we didn't know how long she would be alive and wanted her comfortable). She said yes when I begged her to go into the bed. I asked her if she wanted a sip of 7-up and she nodded I told her I would be back and that was it.

I helped clean her and change her clothes when hospice came. I watched the funeral home put her lifeless body into the bag, zip it up and take her out of the house. My dad was busy calling people to tell them she died. My sister was there but crying and was not going to watch what I felt I had to witness.

Soon after my father asked me to clean out her clothes and her things. This was so painful. I cannot even describe it.

Soon after we all adjusted somewhat to her being gone. I used to talk to her every morning. I miss that to this day. My mornings are all messed up and don't feel right anymore.

On June 1st, I had to put my rottweiler to sleep. She was 9 yrs old and my best friend, my heart, my soul. She hurt her hind legs and became paralyzed when I asked her to come off the couch to play with me and my other dog, she came around and slipped and never regained feeling in her hind legs, I went into the room and watched her die also. My heart was broken, and I miss her everyday too.

My dad went in for valve replacement surgery July 9th and suffered 2 strokes and is recovering in a skilled rehab facility. He died on the table and they brought him back and he stroked again a week later.

He did not wake up for three days the first time and the second time 4 days. He lost his swallow ability, his vision and mobility.

He is improving each day and is seeing better now. He can talk but is slow and is now walking slowly with a walker in rehab. His goal is to come home and live with me and my husband.

My sister has all but deserted me, and is insisting because she is 9 yrs older she must make all the decisions. My dad put us on POA for legal and Health and I am on his checking as I pay all his bills. She barely speaks to me when she sees me, and avoids me. I don't work and spend my days at my dads to encourage him and to shave him etc.

My sister works and is tired and so she sees him sometimes after work. She has 3 daughters all in their late 20's, one who is married. They all have disowned me too. It has been the worst year of my life.

Each day, I get up and my purpose is my dad. Today I got upset with him, because my sister is demanding certain pieces of furniture and I am upset about one that she originally said i "could" have and then she changed her mind. I guess to some it would seem stupid to fight over this, but to me, it means something to me to have of my moms. Anyway, he got upset and I ended up crying and I think it just overwhelms me. I had to meet the realtor to set up the selling of his house, that I lived in a very long time of my life.

I remarried when my son joined the marines. he is married and expecting my first grandchild (a boy) in January. He is upset with the fighting and said he is laying the law down when he gets home in December. He loves my sister and her family and I understand that. But I am his mother. He and my dad have not heard how awful they all talk to me.

I am so sad to see my dad like this, it is very hard now. At first it wasn't..but lately it is hard. I want my old dad back. I miss my mom, my dog and my old dad. All three were my best friends and without them I am lost sometimes. It's like I just a robot moving one day to the next. I am afraid that my dad could get sick again. this is my biggest fear. He told me he worries about me and what am I going to do when he dies?

I said I don't know, probably lose it.

That is my story. I just want to call my mom one more time and tell her what is going on over here in my life and I can't.

Comments for Tears

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Sep 03, 2009
no title
by: Laura

I know what you feel like because i am only 16 and i lost my dad, my dog and a few of my friends, and my big brother is in the marines. I lost my dad to suicide, and my dog the same way you did and my friends just like you did your sister.

My other big brother (the one that is not in the marines) don't talk to me. Well everything that i lost are my best friends too and I hated to see them leave like that. Well i hate that i am going through this and i feel just like you do, like i am a robot just living day by day and just dont know what else to do. I am scared at what i am going to lose next and i have marching band and cross country things going on.

I miss playing with my dog like i used to be able to and i miss talking to my friends but if they want to abandon me, oh well, i guess they were not good friends in the first place. I guess what i am trying to say is that if you ever need anyone to talk to you have me cause i have not been through the same situation, but i understand some of the feelings that you are having, and we can get througth this together. I just felt like i should tell you that.

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