Tech School and Christmas
My dad was everything to me, everyone knew how much he meant to me, he was my daddy, and I was his little girl. He was my life. Ever since I was little I knew my dad was special, different; and I suppose we all feel that way, and I'd like to think it's true for all of us.
My dad was a great man, very kind-hearted, forgiving, fun, oh, i could go on and on... He was the kind of man who would see someone in need, give them the shirt off his back and a place to stay just to help them out. And he was a family man, his family always came first in everything that he did, his family was his motive and drive. He always told me he would never let anything happen to me.
The beginning of my Senior yr, my dad went in for a checkup- he'd been getting really bad headaches and some other stuff... They found out he had an aneurysm and they told us that they needed to operate. I've never been more scared in my life. And at first, he didn't want to tell me because he was afraid for me. He didn't want me to cry. They operated and he was okay. He had strokes and minor epileptic attacks that were really scary, and you could tell he was different, but he was still there, and he was getting better. It was hard for all of us.
Before this happened I joined the military; my basic date wasn't until after all of this and after I graduated High School. I remember in basic training all I wanted was to talk to my dad, as did everyone else, but I needed to know he was okay. And I graduated basic, but he and H. (moms-name is abbr. for privacy) weren't able to come all the way to TX, which was pretty far, so I understood. After that I went to tech school, where you're trained for your specific career field and job.
It was December, and I talked to parents mainly on the weekends because of the time difference and I was able to talk to them for longer when it wasn't a work day. Exodus (basically Winter/Christmas Break) was coming up; I was so excited because the only family I've seen since I've left was one of my brothers, my mother, and my Uncle who came with them. I remember I talked to my dad on a Friday night that weekend, he was feeling really good. He was excited and telling me about this elliptical they got so he can exercise when he isn't able to take a walk outside. We were talking about how my break to come home was coming up... It was the best i heard him in a while to be honest, it was just one of those good days that make you happy.
That Sunday, I was watching Final Destination (i always remember the first time, like the majority of my movies, I saw with my dad) in a place they called the Loft, where Airmen can go and watch movies or the game and play pool. I was starting to fall asleep on a bean bag with my friend. Hope called around 10/1030, she was quiet, and I could tell something was wrong. I knew something bad happened and I knew it had to do with daddy. I thought maybe he had another stroke or an attack. But then H. kept sayin sorry krissy, i'm so sorry, and she told me what happened.
It was December 6th, 2009. I remember everything about that day, it was the absolute worst phone call I could ever receive. I didn't know what to do, I just received a phone call telling me that my father was gone, the first man any little girl falls in love with: my world; and he was gone, he was taken from me, not even 2 wks before I was coming home to see him. I just dropped my phone with my friend and ran to the bathroom, I know i must've been there a few hrs before i could clean up so i could get my things... I felt numb. I couldn't talk to anyone.
My instructors, MTLs, the shirt, some others in my chain of command found out because when there is a death in the family Red Cross is contacted and informs those in charge of the military member involved and then they come to see you and tell you if you haven't already found out. I remember the shirt came in with the Chaplain and they called me in. I just broke down and told them that I already knew and they didn't have to say anything. I ended up taking emergency leave, along with my Exodus. I went home. But it didn't feel like home.
My family was too overwhelming, and they didn't know how to sympathize with me, because let's face it, they don't understand, and the sad thing is they won't until it happens to them; that's how it is for all of us. Just like I don't understand how it feels to lose a child or a husband. I was angry because they acted as if they knew how I felt, and it didn't feel genuine to me. I went to my dad's house and for the first time in about 4 yrs, I saw my oldest brother, my dad's first son, and it was so good to see him, i needed him, he was one of the closest things i had to my father; he knew exactly how i felt and we didn't have to say one word.
My father wished to be cremated... and this was the first time experiencing someone being cremated, i've never understood how they do it before. and my mother told me i could go see him before he was cremated, and i didn't want to, because i didn't want to remember him that way, and i said the only way i would do it was if f. (my oldest brother) would come with. So we went down. and we were so scared, we didn't know what to expect. My daddy was behind a glass window, and i couldn't touch him, they separate you and the deceased with a window because thats how they did things there, which felt so wrong. It wasn't fair to the people he loved. There was the best thing that ever happened to me, the only man i know i will truly love always and forever, the one person that was always there for me and took care of me, my only daddy, my childhood memories, the person who gave me all my features and personality, and not only was he taken from me, but he was seperated from me by a window, a glass window. I couldn't even give my daddy a kiss because of that stupid window.
And me and my brother just cried and cried. And then we started talking about all the times we spent together, all the good times with my dad, and when it was just me, daddy, and f. (all the way back when i was super little). We're all still dealing with this, because my father touched the lives of many people, there was not one person who didn't love my daddy, not one person who had something against him, nobody hated my dad, but it was pretty hard to dislike someone like him, he's genuine, very loving, forgiving, and patient; he always gave a man the benefit of the doubt.
I feel bad because at one pt i was so upset over the fact that my mother, who is in her early 40's, still gets to say daddy, still gets to visit him and say i love you, and i'm 19 yrs old and i can't. I can, but it's different, he's not here to hug me back, or give me kisses, and it feels unfair, but you can't think that way. You need to remember not to regret the time that you have lost, but be thankful for the time that you had. I've done a lot of different things.
I don't tell anyone that he is dead really, mainly because i don't feel anyone is privilaged to know. When i left tech school and was stationed in NW, it was a clean slate, there was no baggage or bad memories here. So everyday, i would say something about my daddy, just remembering him, telling people random facts about him, and to this day no one knows. I dont tell anyone really. I've told 2 ppl, 1 involuntary- i broke down, and the other my best friend here who kinda caught on i suppose, since i've moved here 6 mths ago...
I carry him with me, I always have and always will. And for those of you that have gone through this, I am truly sorry, and I will pray for you. Everybody grieves differently, there is no wrong way, and if you need ideas or something, you can ask me, but remember to take care of yourself, and I hope for the best. His birthday was last mth, along with fathers day...It hit me real hard. I love my daddy and miss him terribly every moment of the day; and I always will.