Ten months without Sean

by Carol,Seans Mom
(Bellingham, Mass)

September 15th marked ten months that my 24 year old son has been gone. He has missed so much. Holidays, his 25th birthday,his dad's 50th birthday, his sister's 16th birthday his other sister's college graduation. As I sit here I realize he missed his first summer. My life is a disaster now. I do not see how I will ever make it through this. I can't believe he is gone. Forever? I have become moody and depressed. My poor girls not only lost their only brother they lost a huge chunk of their mom and dad. We are no longer together but are on friendly terms. We both suffer incrediblly. I was remembering the days when I thought I had it all. I guess without knowing it that was to be the happy time in my life. I just felt so lucky. Now I feel alot of despair. It is scarey how much life scares me now. How much dread and sadness and pain I have. I go to support groups and have met wonderful people. I am horrified by how many families lose their children. Stupid me, I guess I thought this much crap only happened on the tv's. I never imagained being in so much pain and never imagined one of my children wouldn't be here for my whole life. I took so much for granted. I wish I could turn back time....

Comments for Ten months without Sean

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Sep 17, 2012
To Carol and Molly
by: Lynne

I do understand the devastation of your grief. The 29th of this month will be 7 months since I lost my daughter Jessica. She also missed her first summer, the first day of kindergarten and the first lost tooth of her own little girl.
Our family is functioning for her child and for each other. We are hanging onto the fact that we are her family and we are doing what she would have wanted us to do.
As her mother, do I wish I was dead? Of course I do, but then I look at my other daughter and my granddaughter and I know I must struggle to climb out of this pit of despair and grief for them. Jessica loved them dearly and I owe it to her and to them to try.
I'm not in any way giving you advice because we each are in our own private hell. I just hope and pray that we can all find a way to smile and love fully again somehow. Maybe that's the way they will live through us. I don't know.
Prayers and love to you both.

Sep 17, 2012
To Sean's Mother
by: Anonymous

You really never know how devoted mother's are to their children. After I read this. It actually made me realize how much my mother was feeling and I could identify with you especially when you said that he is gone forever.

Sep 17, 2012
14 months for me
by: Molly

Hi Carol
we have chatted before I just had to respond to you because I feel just as you do. My Quinn died in July and like you I never imagined that this could happen. I mean in the back of your mind as a parent it is your greatest fear, however you don't really think it will happen to you. You hear it on the radio or see it on TV and feel sorrow for others but never feel that could really be you. I just keep saying every day that my greatest fear has come true and i don't know what I have done wo deserve this. Like you Quinn was due to health reason, and although this should make it easier it doesn't and it will never be easy. I walk around pretending to be ok for everyone else but inside I am just empty and broken never to be repaired. How can you ever repair from something like this it is just impossible. People say it gets better in time and I truly know it never will we just learn to cope with it as best we can but forever to be without our child our love! life will forever be meaninless I don't care what else comes I will always think of Quinn and all that he has missed out on and will never have. I tell you the only thing that keeps me going is that small kernal of hope that I will meet him in heaven or where ever and that he is at peace and happy. Outside of that I really could close my eyes tomorrow with no regreats. I don't think that you should look for ways to feel better it is not possible you will just learn to go on and thats all you can hope for. Your words about being too happy really rings true for me too. We didn't have everything but wow was I so happy in my life and felt so lucky to have my beautiful son, I needed nothing else now I just have nothing and nothing matters and no-one gets it or ever will. So impossible to think of our lives now, all the dreams all the hopes all the plans gone now and that is what hurts the most, now I have no idea of my purpose in this world or do I really care. I know this wasn't too uplifting but I wanted you to know that I get it this stuff is too hard for anyone to go through, so awful that so many of us do.

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