Thanksgiving is Coming and He's not Here ~

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Thanksgiving ~ California

Thanksgiving ~ California

The holidays are coming and doom and gloom following close behind. I found when I got to Las Vegas, work and looking for a home would help. The home was put on the back burner and I was left with work. The adjustment from Arkansas to Las Vegas was more emotionally and physically then I could handle. I became physically sick with pain and fever in my body which led to my emotional melt down. I even prayed for God to take me so I could be with Billy.

Funny how the mind is though, I started thinking about the car, the money in the bank and that I don't have a Will. So I was disappointed but then I guess that was god's way of telling me it's not time.

I decided to take time for me ~ really think about what I want to do with my life. Ha ~ my life without Billy, not something I wanted to think or do but I can't just sit and wait, yes the question I asked myself since he's been gone If I don't move and just sit and wait maybe I can join him sooner?. Those thoughts are not allowed ~ but we all think about it.

So I went to California to visit family, friends and friends I used to work with. One friend told me to schedule grief. He said take a couple of hours to grieve and then go on with my life. I thought you're crazy, I can't control when I grieve, and pick a special time of the day to do it???? 5 months into this nightmare and I'm lucky if I don't cry each night, or able to breathe all day without it stopping and threaten to lose control. I know they all mean well but well it's not good enough ~ I want him back each day.

I remember the day I found him and the images are like a movie that never stops running in my mind. Now I have memories of the holidays coming to invade my sanity. That same friend told me next time you remember a memory think about it how it was at that time. The good as the memory originally was, not as the sorrow I'm feeling now. So I try to remember that. Unfortunately it doesn't always work. How can I keep control in front of family? They don't want to see me breaking down and I don't want them to feel bad because they see me. It's like a double edged sword. All I feel is empty and searching, never complete and always wanting. At times it feels as if the very fiber of my soul is being ripped in every direction.

So what do I do, where do I go? If I just keep on holding on, maybe my heart won't know that he's gone. I had dinner with my cousin when I was in California. Her son passed away after 2 years fighting cancer, on 8/9/10. I see the sorrow in her eyes reflecting mine. It's a hard road we all have to travel and we don't know how long it will take. But I'm always reminded and I remind myself what she told me the day before her son passed.

1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ and we can walk miles ~

I keep that belief and hope and pray it will remind me that I can move on, though it will be without my love, my best friend and soul mate and one day I'll be with him but until then and ever more it will be

1 step, 1 breath at a time

Comments for Thanksgiving is Coming and He's not Here ~

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Nov 25, 2010
Thanksgiving
by: Jules

We don't celebrate Thanksgiving here in Australia, but I feel for you - I know how hard it is just living, let alone celebrating something - and how can we be thankful, when we don't have the one person we want to be with?

But, on the other hand, shouldn't we be thankful that our loved one is not suffering, I know that I would not want my love living the way he was - he had a stroke and was paralysed down the right side, he had no speech, could not feed or drink - this was my fiercely independent man - the "doer" the artist, the hard worker, the articulate one - I am thankful that he isn't living without the ability to do all that he loved to do - travel, paint, facet gems, read, laugh with friends and love me.

Please be thankful for the small things -

Nov 25, 2010
Thanks for what
by: Zoe

Those on the outside tell us to move on
But for us our great accomplishment is
Just movement.

We here will all move through this day together

Zoe

Nov 22, 2010
These holidays are the pits
by: Judy

I am literally dreading Thanksgiving this year. The day after will be the anniversary of Barry's death and despite what everyone says about it being just another day, just keep on truckin, I know I am going to fall apart.

I have been invited to a co-worker's home for Thanksgiving and I will go with my shell reinforced and try to be a good guest. It was kind of them to ask. I am so very lonely these days, it feels like no one even notices me, so this invitation is very welcome. But really, I can't wait for it to be over. I hope my trip home to California will be better over Christmas. But I'll still have to come back to this empty house and life. All the cheery ones say get out there, meet new people, etc. Try it- it's not so easy. I feel like I've just disappeared into the wallpaper. That's me- the cabbage rose behind the chair in the dining room, fading away. Life is rotten.

JM

Nov 21, 2010
Thank that?
by: Zoe

There is no place for us in these holidays
My son and daughter in law are having the dinner
I planned on staying home but they sent my
Granddaughter to stay until Thursday so of course
I have to take her home it is the day before her
Birthday.

So I will stay and eat something and get out.
I like you have nothing to be thankful for
So I will do as we all do
One step one breath one day at a time
And this first horrible holiday season without
Him will begin
Come here share with us
Know we all hear you we all understand
Sometimes we are silent in our own pain
But we will be with you
Zoe

Nov 21, 2010
comfort and JOY? Wheres the line?
by: HH

Patricia,

Although your grief is months younger, I can totally relate to what you have written. Thankfully you know that you cannot force grief into a convenient schedule. Gee if that were the case I would allow my self a 5 minute cry after 10P.M when boo is asleep and finish with "Well that's enough of that..."

But it does not work that way. I can give you Some Hope in that the public crying will lessen a tad. Privately, when that ole movie plays in your head, you know the one with the sad ending that fills us with guilt and remorse for all not said and done. That will lessen as you try for acceptance. It will rear its ugly head as the 1 year mark approaches, but that combined with the Holidays is to be expected.

As I go through the room upstairs and come across things, memories that hurt I will just sit there in a chair staring at nothing. I do get caught at times doing this. I cannot hide my grief though I try but it is there in the eyes and the voice.

My youngin is 12 and tries to be my everything, I know that he cannot, but he is fiercely protective all the same. I want to be stronger for him, for myself and for Paul. It would break his heart seeing me this way.

I wish you well with your ongoing journey through the Hell of grief ,and Hope that you will find something to be thankful for in the up and coming Holidays. I for one am grateful that you are here, sharing...
HH


Nov 21, 2010
We can do it....
by: Shirley

One step, one breath cousin. I too dread Thanksgiving. It is my favorite holiday. I'll be cooking for everyone but it will just be so wrong. I'll be thinking of you on Thanksgiving and praying that we both get through the day without our loved ones and that we find opportunities to smile.

Nov 21, 2010
thanksgiving and he's not here
by: donna

I told my daughters that if they want a thanksgiving meal that they would probably have to fix it themselves. I find it so hard to be thankful for anything right now. I know I have my children and grandchildren to be thankful for, but its just so hard to even imagine the holidays without Bryan. Who's going to cut the turkey, that is Bryans job. I often find myself wishing that I could go ahead and be with him, that I would be happier. Then I feel Bryan telling me that I have to go on with life without him physically being here, but that he is always with me spiritually. I too find that I have to take it one step, one breath at a time.

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