Thanksgiving is Coming and He's not Here ~
Thanksgiving ~ California
The holidays are coming and doom and gloom following close behind. I found when I got to Las Vegas, work and looking for a home would help. The home was put on the back burner and I was left with work. The adjustment from Arkansas to Las Vegas was more emotionally and physically then I could handle. I became physically sick with pain and fever in my body which led to my emotional melt down. I even prayed for God to take me so I could be with Billy.
Funny how the mind is though, I started thinking about the car, the money in the bank and that I don't have a Will. So I was disappointed but then I guess that was god's way of telling me it's not time.
I decided to take time for me ~ really think about what I want to do with my life. Ha ~ my life without Billy, not something I wanted to think or do but I can't just sit and wait, yes the question I asked myself since he's been gone If I don't move and just sit and wait maybe I can join him sooner?. Those thoughts are not allowed ~ but we all think about it.
So I went to California to visit family, friends and friends I used to work with. One friend told me to schedule grief. He said take a couple of hours to grieve and then go on with my life. I thought you're crazy, I can't control when I grieve, and pick a special time of the day to do it???? 5 months into this nightmare and I'm lucky if I don't cry each night, or able to breathe all day without it stopping and threaten to lose control. I know they all mean well but well it's not good enough ~ I want him back each day.
I remember the day I found him and the images are like a movie that never stops running in my mind. Now I have memories of the holidays coming to invade my sanity. That same friend told me next time you remember a memory think about it how it was at that time. The good as the memory originally was, not as the sorrow I'm feeling now. So I try to remember that. Unfortunately it doesn't always work. How can I keep control in front of family? They don't want to see me breaking down and I don't want them to feel bad because they see me. It's like a double edged sword. All I feel is empty and searching, never complete and always wanting. At times it feels as if the very fiber of my soul is being ripped in every direction.
So what do I do, where do I go? If I just keep on holding on, maybe my heart won't know that he's gone. I had dinner with my cousin when I was in California. Her son passed away after 2 years fighting cancer, on 8/9/10. I see the sorrow in her eyes reflecting mine. It's a hard road we all have to travel and we don't know how long it will take. But I'm always reminded and I remind myself what she told me the day before her son passed.
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ and we can walk miles ~
I keep that belief and hope and pray it will remind me that I can move on, though it will be without my love, my best friend and soul mate and one day I'll be with him but until then and ever more it will be
1 step, 1 breath at a time