The 4th of July past and present
The 4th of July has many memories for me of both past and present. Many moons ago before grief made itself known it was a joyful time. Get together's with family and friends at "the river" My fathers and mothers simple beach house on the Rappahannock river.
My father died Jan 2009. Paul my husband Dec 2009. So much has changed and I have changed with it, with time. Hubby having had a stroke following brain surgery was very sensitive to loud sounds. I did not understand this until grief made loud sounds and commotion unbearable for me as well. I was able to understand how he felt even if slightly.
Therefor the 4th of July made him uncomfortable with the loud bangs. The neighbor at the river insisted on setting off M-80's. If you recall as most of us do it is much like a large firecracker, very loud. My sister asked this unthoughtful neighbor to stop setting them off as it upset my husband. He continued to do so anyway :(
When My now 14 year old son was young he too could not stand the sound of loud fireworks. We left many a celebration because of this.
I prefer to think of the times that we all sat on the beach after a long day of sunning and swimming, perhaps having Maryland blue crabs steamed with plenty of old bay. Later to sit and oooh and ahhh at the fireworks that everyone had brought as well as the fireworks set off all along the river by others.
I must admit that I have avoided the traditional 4th of July since my Love passed. It is too painful to recall the good or the bad. This year I am taking my son to a baseball game on the 4th.
The only way that I can survive grief and begin to take on this new life as it was meant to be is to shake things up, not do as I have done but to do new things. Such as going to visit my sons in CA for Christmas. Doing the exact opposite as I have done in the past.
Am I cheating my son of things that were? Am I running from my own past or simply trying to make my/our own traditions our own future? I do not know....I simply know that I am taking on the "New Normal" as best as I can.
I Hope that all of you on this roller coaster of grief can do the same and continue to take things one breath one day and one step at a time...