The angel on my shoulder

by Rebecca
(Tilbury, Ontario)

Have you ever felt like you weren't good enough? Or you weren't sure of a decision you had to make, felt nervous or hurt? Who did you turn to? For me, I would always turn to my father. He wasn't your ordinairy Dad, he was a super hero in my eyes. He was diagnosed with kidney cancer when I was in grade 7 and lived until about a month ago. I am now 22 years old. They say living with someone who is sick or dying is one of the hardest things you could do, but I dissagree. Even though my Father was ill and on kemo he still managed to be the most amazing person I ever had the priviledge of having in my life. He owned his own business and worked sometimes 11 hour days all while being on kemo pills that made him feel very sick. On top of that he would make me feel like the most important person in the world, he never complained about his illness or made people pity him, instead he lifted everyone up with his gentle ways and sense of humor, he was warm and loving even when he was frustrated. The love so many people had for him was amazing and I had the privilege of being the apple of his eye. I felt special that I was his little girl, that I was his world, but little did he know he was actually mine. The struggle he went through brings me to tears while writing this but it also brings a smile to my face because I see him around on those clear days with not a single cloudin the sky, I feel him caress me when I feel lonely. I feel his warm rugged hands slip through mine when I feel lost or confused, I feel him guiding me with every decision I make and every step I take throughout my day. He wasn't supposed to die this soon, he wasn't supposed to leave me just yet but he did, I guess I have to live with that and realize he lasted longer than doctors ever thought he would but it never made it any wasier for me. I always tried to prepare myself for the moment I had to let go of his hand but I found it didn't help, I'm still so lost without him. I long to gain the strenght he had throughout his struggle, but I know time will give me the chance to gain it just like he did, through every challenge and heartache I will become stronger as the days go by. I now have an angel on my shoulder guiding me whatever way I choose to go. I just need to remember that nothing that "nothing that is loved is ever lost"

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Mar 27, 2014
The angel on my shoulder
by: Doreen UK

Rebecca you posted "They say that living with someone who is sick or dying is the hardest thing to do, and you disagree. This is your personal experience but not everyone's. We each have different experiences of grief and I am glad you had a happy life and grief.
I nursed my husband through a deadly cancer where I had to watch him die slowly. He had a horrendous cancer journey with pneumonia, blood clots, daily injections, heart attack and more and I was his primary care giver. It was heartbreak to watch someone I loved deeply fade away before my eyes and there was nothing I could do for him. He died a slow painful death whilst I gave him the best care a wife could give. I am still grieving those additional experiences of death and dying. Not something I would wish on anyone. Grief is what it is. WE have to go through this in order to Heal from our loss. I am sorry for your loss of a father.

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