The Anger The Tears and The Memories Strangle me

by Hope M Holt
(Tappahannock VA)

Survival of the Fittest

Survival of the Fittest

So here I am at 11 months as of tomorrow 10-06-10
Part of me is Proud that I have made it this far.

That each day that I choked down did not kill my soul as I thought it would have. I would like to brag that what does not kill you makes you stronger but that is a buncha crap. It really is. I am ashamed that I have made it this long without you.

It was forever yesterday that you DIED. You did not leave me, the harsh reality is that you are DEAD and nothing is going to bring you back and the memories of you are so strong.

I can remember the look in your eyes when we met at that picnic. I can remember just how I fell in Love with you. You were the right man at the wrong time but Love doesn't show itself when you want, Nor does dying.

When would I have wanted you to leave me To Die?
At least for us to have some of our golden years together. To watch our children grow into adults.

I cannot have my heart ripped out and have it re grow like a lizard tail. Yes I sound angry probably for the first time if you can believe that. I have made it this long and have wept in private staying strong for our son.

I have wept in public when I see the old couple holding hands that should have been us.

So this is Me Hope M. Holt
The strong one the one that has gotten through all of this only to fall to her knees at 11 months.

Crying at the keyboard, not willing to rouse someone out of their sleep or happiness to listen to the same ole shit.

Damn I CAN do this because tomorrow is another day.

Comments for The Anger The Tears and The Memories Strangle me

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Oct 10, 2010
The seasons change and so do I
by: Me.....

Need to vent, Looking at the picture knowing that is still how my heart feels. The grief that is stuck inside and won't ever completely leave me.

I Look ahead and try to accept the change that is imminent. My Life is different and I have another lost soul to look after. My Son and he feels that he can be the man of the house everything that I need. He is such a strong little man sometimes I think stronger than me. But I know that I need to get my act together and do what needs doing.

It is the changing of the seasons Fall in particular brings us to Halloween, No offense but it was our favorite holiday. Hubby would totally do up the yard and it was the favorite trick or treat place to go. He had themes for this and we always had a big family shin dig for 11 years.

And following Fall of course is the winter of our discontent. Dec 6th 10 is coming....The Day that forced all this change that I do not want.

My Love I miss you Soooooo. Continue to look down and protect us, be with us if only in spirit.
Some how I know, you being the great protector of the family you loved and valued more than anything, that you are looking out for us.

Going Life solo....I guess there is no other choice but to change or continue to bumble through this life without you.

IF this is acceptance, it hurts every bit as much as the rest of grief and I fight it. Don't deserve it and don't want it. I just want you.

Oct 08, 2010
by: H

Thanks so much for helping me past the rough spots. It means so much...Stay Strong and Live!

Oct 07, 2010
by: Jen

Go to you tube and find Leona Lewis Footprints in the sand.. Go to the lyric version and look at the words..
Totally wonderful,

They have got me thro alot....
I truly believe He is always there.

Jen S

Oct 07, 2010
You are doing it
by: Jen

You are doing it!

This unexpected journey is full of lots more down than ups. When they hit, they hit so hard and we begin to doubt ourselves. But we are strong, life and all it has thrown at us have made us this way. We have been thro so so much..

You will get thro today and the next and the next.
You are doing incredibly well and i mean that. I have written a journal since Richard died 21 months ago and I am so proud of it. I just pour my heart and soul into it. But i have noticed i don't write so much anymore and I think that that's a good sign. I miss him as much as I did but we have to continue with the routine life throws at us. But I thank god for the kids. They are my rock and my life now. I am proud of them and indeed myself of how we have dealt with this new life thrust at us,

Hope, your doing great. We will get there wherever there is someday. I think our loved ones would want that, Wouldn't they ??....

I send you a big hug,


Oct 07, 2010
the anger, the tears & the memories
by: jules

Hope - please believe this is all normal, all a part of the grieving process - you have been strong for so long, for others, now it is their time to be strong for you.

Anger is an emotion that you have to feel, it is not fair, it is not right, that you have been left to carry this burden - so you have a right to be angry. I have not reached that stage yet - but I am sure that I will at some time, at the moment I have an investigation going on into the hospital where my love died. Somehow there was a faulty railing on the bed, and he fell out - hitting his head - is this what caused to him to have another stroke? I need answers, maybe when I get some answers, and I may not like the answers, then I might get to the angry stage.

Keep talking on this site - it has been my saviour at 3 am many times since I found it.


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