The Calendar

by Zoe

You know we spend so much of our lives checking the calendar and looking at our watches. Now this fairly nondescript item has become like a bell tolling for my soul. In one week it will be one year. I can barely move. I wonder if there will ever be a time in my life where I control the pain of my loss of John, instead of the pain controlling and consuming me.

Comments for The Calendar

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Mar 23, 2012
The calendar
by: Mari

I see that these posts are not new. I am on my 3rd year now without my sweetheart. Infact it has been 2 yrs and 4 months. The grandchildren he loved so much are growing up. The 3 18 yr olds are getting drivers licenses and part time jobs and finishing the last year of high school. Time just goes on and on.It was Feb of 94 when my daughter-in-law and 2 of my daughters announced they were expecting babies. My husband was overjoyed and said he knew where a lot of his funds were going.He was very generous and made a big fuss over the 3 babies. Those are good memories. The sad memories came later when he had heart surgery and didn't make it. The last 4 months were spent holding one of the babies who is now 3 yrs old. Kids loved him. My birthday is Nov 20th and he passed away on the 22nt after telling me to make plans for us for that day.
That is what the calendar will do for us.I come home to an empty house. My 14 yr old granddaughter spends her weekends here so I will not be a lone.
God is good tho and gave me a lot of years with him.

Mar 22, 2012
The calendar
by: Mari

Zoe, I am not sure when that ends. I do know that eventually we come to term with our loss and God is good and helps us. I am already on my 3rd year without my sweetheart and it is like an ache in my heart.
Zoe, a year is not very long. Your loss is fairly recent. Give it time and just take things day by day.Your loved one is safe with the Lord.
I am definitely living a different lifetime. It is hard to explain.
I hope you have family to stand by you and friends. Take care of yourself. Mari

Mar 15, 2011
The calender
by: M Mack


The time by years, months, weeks is measuring where we are in the grief stage. It's where we subconsciously put our pain day by day like a file cabinet of memories placed in some order of life. So on 1 year, you have collected a ton of memories that surfaced after John left. Every memory you put in the space of time is kept for you to revisit as you go along...for reference.

I know this sounds crazy but I believe it is our way to keep balance or order within your emotions. Go ahead, unlock the vault and know John has visited those places with you from time to time. Do what feels right for you in your grief.....time is all you have and will help you to get through the sadness. As painful as it may be, those memories are what gets us where we are in the stages of grief. Take care and do whatever you want that day. Just don't use the memories to beat yourself up. Sending my love and hope for all reliving the past to live the future.

Mar 15, 2011
Time it passes with or without our consent


Every month I flip a daily calender to the 6th of the month. Its a goal to make it from month to month. The Sundays come a little easier, I am not watching the clock saying it was at 10:55 Sunday that "he died." Or 8:30 when he took his walk and never came back.

I do not know when we forgive the passing of time or allow it to happen naturally. I do not know when things will feel o.k. I say o.k not normal because this new normal is letting go of the past and embracing the new. Not easily done.

I have forced grief this past month, clearing things out and getting ready to paint. Something that is painful, but feels necessary for me to be able to feel comfortable in my own surroundings without the past haunting me every room that I step into.

11 truckloads of junk and memories. This last weekend I cried de-cluttering the kitchen knowing that Paul would NEVER let it get in such disarray.

The tears that spill catch me by surprise. I thought I was stronger now. But memories will always pull you back to a time when things were comfortable. A time where we decided things together and worked together as a team.

I had wondered about simple companionship to fill the void. But now realize that nothing can. So I am trying to embrace this new independence. I have never been alone and it is scary.

But I will make it and so will you. Not as we want nor as we planned but day by day we will end up with a new life. Whether we make it or it makes us. Thinking of you and wishing you well.

Mar 15, 2011
by: Judy


The one year mark is incredibly hard to anticipate and difficult to handle. It really is the date that says, yes he's gone, yes you are alone, yes there's nothing you can do about it. it is maybe the loneliest day yet. Be good to yourself, spend that day however you feel like spending it and hang the opinion of everyone else.
You will get through it. You are a strong lady. My thoughts will be with you this week.


Mar 15, 2011
the calendar
by: Mari

I understand Zoe. I realize that there is always going to be one date we cannot forget. That date causes pain.
For me it is always the 22nt of each month. I already figured that May 22nt will be a yr and a half since my husband went to be with the Lord.
Sometimes it seems like yesterday and other times it seems that time is going by. I understand how painful it is. I look at pictures where in almost all he is holding a baby, grandchildren, some of whom are now grown. How he loved his ''babies.''
I truly believe that God is with us and we will get through. It will never be quite the same.
I already feel I am in a completely different lifetime. I have a job outside the home and here at the complex. I need to be busy and believe me I am.

Take care of yourself. We are here for you.

Mar 14, 2011
for Zoe "The Calendar"
by: Anonymous

We do spend our days counting days, weeks, months, on the calendar that marks the time since our lives changed forever. I also measure time in full moons. My husband died on the night of the September full moon. I didn't realize it that night, but I can now remember faintly hearing a family member having commented on it. Exactly four weeks after - the same date and the same day of the week - was the October full moon. I can hardly believe that I'm coming up on six months, and I look on the calendar for the next full moon, and I make a date with myself to go out and find it, and that is what helps me to move. But, I think I am in a deeper grief now, and more exhausted now than I was a month ago, or two months ago. So, though it hasn't been a year, I too wonder if there will be peace eventually, instead of this gut-searing pain that bores a hole in my soul. I think trying to not control our emotions is what will bring peace. Take good care in this coming week.

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