The Cherished Photograph
I have a picture of my mother and I, taken on July 1st at the Canada Day celebrations. We both looked happy and healthy, full of energy and smiling from ear to ear as we watched the beautiful fireworks explode in the sky.
There is a good chance that this photo will be the last one taken. I really hope it is not.
By July 15th my mother, my angel, had become so sick she could hardly get out of bed. By July 25th, renal cell cancer was confirmed, prognosis not good. It was on August 8th that a death sentence was announced - stage 4 renal cell cancer that had metastasized to her lungs; 1 year to live, up to 5 years if the "pills" work. It is now August 17th and she still has not received these "pills". She struggles for every breath. It's destroying me inside watching her suffer but I want to be there for her for both moral and every day support.
Our family is small, just my mother, brother and I. My dad passed away years ago and my sister has moved away and quit talking to us. Last I heard she was expecting a baby girl for October 1st. A grand-daughter my mother will never have the pleasure of meeting.
What is really upsetting is how friends react. I experienced this 13 years ago when my father died by suicide - people recoiled and I was left to mourn very much alone. All this time I thought it was the manner of his death that pushed people away, but now with this new tragedy I realize that the best way to cope is alone. People (even those who have experienced loss) do not know how to react in these situations or perhaps they simply don't care. I've already quit talking to a few people, sadly.
I hope I would do better if a friend needed a shoulder to cry on.
In this past month my outlook of life has changed drastically. I don't think I am quite the same person anymore, I don't see things the same way. My sense of humour is gone. I used to work out, now I don't see the point. I treat each day as though it were the last, and I never used to do that. I've also become angry to the point where I am scaring myself.
I supposed I just really needed to get this out, and I've found that it is easier for me to talk about it in 'type', rather than 'verbal'. I tend to get less emotional this way.
I did not want to post this in the "lost mom's" section, because she has not become an Angel yet. But to me this could be considered a grievous loss; with only a year left to live she will probably never be able to have a great day like we did on July 1st. Her quality of life has been taken from her and this is a tremendous loss for her, and everyone close to her that love her very much.
I would also like to say thank-you for this site. In such trying times, it is a place to find comfort and support.