The Choice

by Zoe

I can feel the holidays rushing toward me and with them the flood of memories from last year, the last holiday we would ever have together. I cannot stand it, the thought of these days without him. We had such plans for this year, our first Christmas in our new house, we were going to have all of the children in, he was so happy, we were so happy.

Now I walk down the aisle of the grocery and cannot stand to pick up a turkey, it is like touching fire, remembering picking out the turkey for last year, shopping together.

I cannot do this without him. I do not want to. I have people actually say to me; well you just say that because you do not have a choice, which brings an interesting question, what if I did have a choice, what I would do. I got my answer.

I have lupus and it has disrupted my ability to retain minerals in my blood. I went to the doctor for a check up and they discovered that my iron and hemoglobin were dangerously low. So, they sent me to an oncologist/hematologist. Took the test and waited. When I drove to the doctor’s office for the results, I was ready. IF this were as bad as they thought, I would not take treatment. I would just let it run its course. I would be with my beloved John. I made the choice and it was so easy and I was at peace for the first time since John died.

Of course, the universe finds amusement in my pain. I am sick, but not that sick. So I have to have painful treatments but I will not be with him if I do not take the treatment. I cannot believe this, I was happy for once; I was going where I wanted to be, then just as before he is ripped from me, I am not allowed to be with him.

So I go home, lie in our bed, and cling to the memory of us. There is no life after, there is nothing after. There are repetitive things we do during the day, there is no joy; there is darkness. And this darkness weighs heavy upon me, like a wet blanket. In addition, just like a wet blanket I cannot breathe, there is no comfort or safety. I am not anything anymore, smoke and mirrors.

I cannot do this without him; I do not want to be here without him. First, he was ripped from me, and then my ability to choose was taken from me.

One-step, one breath, one day at a time is becoming unbearable.

Comments for The Choice

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Nov 23, 2010
The Choice
by: Mari

I am so sorry Zoe, You have had a rough time. I prayed for you.

We all care for you on this board and God cares for you too. Your husband would not want you to neglect your health or to give up. That is something to think about. I too find it hard to keep going at times. It has been a year today.
But this post is about you, not me. You always have us to talk to.

When you get the turkey and prepare it you are taking a step. When you take care of your health you are also progressing. It may not feel like much but somehow activity seems to help. Of course you have lost motivation due to the loss you have suffered. But somehow you will find the strength you need. The strength comes from the Lord. Please do not give up. You are valued and we are here for you and we genuinely care. Keep posting.

Nov 19, 2010
Peace is possible
by: Anonymous

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
John 14:27

Nov 18, 2010
Giving Thanks...For What?


None of this is our choice. We can choose what we do each day. We can even plan towards the future. But I wonder where fate and some sort of pre laid plans come in. It is as if we are given challenges so that we are not allowed to just let life flow past.

I too bought a bird for Thanksgiving. Just the word Thanksgiving, the day to give thanks...
just makes me cringe. I know that I have much to be thankful for yet refuse to celebrate that fact without Paul.

Usually Paul would make a feast for an army and really it was just the 3 of us for the most part.
This year I invited Paul's family to remember Paul and His brother Larry Holt who died unexpectedly in Oct.

Somehow I refuse to be thankful that day and have decided just to cook the damn turkey and plop it in the middle of the table with some mashed potatoes on the stove. With the thought "well if that isn't good enough..." I refuse to be festive though. I will not celebrate life without the one that I loved with all my heart.

So in the end I can see what you mean and how you feel. You were meant to fight this Lupus And fight for a new life even if you do not want it. If is not time for you to be with John.

Instead it is time for you to attempt to build a new life for yourself. I had wondered about you Zoe and often began to inquire how you were doing with your absence from this site. Please keep writing here and let all the feelings out as you conquer the latest challenges thrust upon you.

You are stronger than you think and will continue to gather strength as each day moves you towards a new life. A life none of us want but must build. My very best to you Zoe.

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