The Choice

by Zoe
(Maryland)

I can feel the holidays rushing toward me and with them the flood of memories from last year, the last holiday we would ever have together. I cannot stand it, the thought of these days without him. We had such plans for this year, our first Christmas in our new house, we were going to have all of the children in, he was so happy, we were so happy.

Now I walk down the aisle of the grocery and cannot stand to pick up a turkey, it is like touching fire, remembering picking out the turkey for last year, shopping together.

I cannot do this without him. I do not want to. I have people actually say to me; well you just say that because you do not have a choice, which brings an interesting question, what if I did have a choice, what I would do. I got my answer.

I have lupus and it has disrupted my ability to retain minerals in my blood. I went to the doctor for a check up and they discovered that my iron and hemoglobin were dangerously low. So, they sent me to an oncologist/hematologist. Took the test and waited. When I drove to the doctor’s office for the results, I was ready. IF this were as bad as they thought, I would not take treatment. I would just let it run its course. I would be with my beloved John. I made the choice and it was so easy and I was at peace for the first time since John died.

Of course, the universe finds amusement in my pain. I am sick, but not that sick. So I have to have painful treatments but I will not be with him if I do not take the treatment. I cannot believe this, I was happy for once; I was going where I wanted to be, then just as before he is ripped from me, I am not allowed to be with him.

So I go home, lie in our bed, and cling to the memory of us. There is no life after, there is nothing after. There are repetitive things we do during the day, there is no joy; there is darkness. And this darkness weighs heavy upon me, like a wet blanket. In addition, just like a wet blanket I cannot breathe, there is no comfort or safety. I am not anything anymore, smoke and mirrors.

I cannot do this without him; I do not want to be here without him. First, he was ripped from me, and then my ability to choose was taken from me.

One-step, one breath, one day at a time is becoming unbearable.