The cold howling winds bring memories

by Hope
(Tappahannock VA)

It snowed last night...

Just enough to spark the memories of last winter. It will forever more be burned into my mind the snowiest day VA had for years, and the year that My Love Francis Paul Holt Died.

The wind is howling and cold. I will stay in the warmth of this house my cocoon. I will bake today and try to bring some warmth to my heart. It feels so cold and empty like the wind outside.

My hands shake slightly, my lip trembles remembering last year with such clarity that it scares me all over again. This unwanted visual forced on me. I feel small and weak as though I have made no progress at all this past year. I am ashamed that I have cast myself back to that point.

It was Sunday last year at this very time 8:30 that he went on that last walk. Never to return. I could feel it in my gut. I knew something was wrong, Terribly wrong. I called the police after an hour trying to quiet that awful shaking gut feeling.

And now it is that same feeling all over again. I shake like a leaf with the same fear and trepidation of that day. The winds howl the same cold as a year ago.
I feel like an animal cornered in a memory that I do not want. Trying to escape to somewhere safe.
HH

Comments for The cold howling winds bring memories

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Dec 06, 2010
Surviving the day
by: HH

Helluva down pour this morning but I'm o.k. And that's good enough for me. Thanks...Sure do appreciate the concern.
Hope

Dec 06, 2010
Hope
by: Zoe

Kick the wall and let us know you are ok

Z

Dec 06, 2010
Hope your o.k...
by:

Krissy,

I did not want you to see my weakness. I want to be strong for you always. I am sending you comfort yummys tommorrow so as you open it remember I did share it with you. Who do you think ate the other half? Boo and I. I am sooo Proud of you A.F.C and I know that your Dad is looking down proud too. I Love you with all that I am and can't wait to see you hopefully this Summer. Until then, Look up into the sky at the brilliant clear moon and I will see that same beauty.
Hope

Dec 06, 2010
One year
by: Krissy

I know where you are... I've dreaded this day, and I knew it was going to hurt, but I still tried to prepare myself. Luckily, today is a really busy day for me, one of my co-workers is out, so I have the entire workload (a patient almost every half hr). Today it is pouring rain, it rarely rains here, and when it does- it is not a heavy rain and does not last very long... But it has been raining all morning so far, as if God can feel our sadness, as if he knows how sad this day is for us and all those who knew him. It's hard not being able to cry when that's all you want to do, it's hard knowing I won't be coming home, and I won't be able to see you when I need you most. Because, in reality, I don't have anyone here. Only you and my brothers and daddy's family really knows how it is to lose him. I hope that Brandon is doing okay, I wish I was there to help him somehow... Even if it was just to play a video game or legos to ease his mind. If I were home, we could escape together, watch CSI or Dexter or one of our 'weird' movies we love and just eat popcorn and chips + dip and bake cookies and brownies. But because I'm not home, because I'm not able to do any of that with you or Branond, all I want to do is curl up into a ball and hide underneath a blanket and never come back out... Or at least hide out until tomorrow, until this day is gone and over-with. I remember so clearly and as much as I wish it could just be gone, I know that is unreasonable. I remember the call that sunday morning... The news that shattered our world. The worst phone call anyone could get, but I'm glad you were the one who called me and told me, I'm glad you were brave enough to tell me as soon as you were able. I write this at work because I know I have to hold back here. I have my phone on me today, and you know when I get off work, if you want to call or talk please do, but I probably won't do anything as far as e-mail or cellphone, but I like that I can go on here.
I love you very much... And maybe the snow in VA is daddy sending you a message, you know he loves the snow, maybe he sent it for you and Boo. You and I both know he would do that for his family if he had the chance to.
Love, Krissy

Dec 06, 2010
memories
by: Jen

Hope,

Just to let you know i am thinking of you as you get thro today.
Be proud of how far you have come and all you have achieved.
Take comfort in the words we all are giving you as you give to others.
The memories and flashbacks can be so debilitating but you are strong and slowly and surely these may settle a little.
The memories hit at times sometimes unexpectedly but particularly as we relive them on days like this.
Remember also all the beautiful memories we have and the love you shared with Paul....I am sure they were wonderful!!
Too short as it was, we were so lucky to have had them in our lives for the time we did.

Thinking of you,

Jen

Dec 06, 2010
Anniversary
by: Zoe

As you take each breath today
Hold on to the quiet between each breath
And know we hear you
And no matter where we all are physically
We are with you

Zoe

Dec 05, 2010
Frozen in time
by: Zoe

Hope

I think the thing that marks us is not only our grief it is the fact that we are forever frozen in that moment. No matter how far we get away from it either by time or whatever we will forever carry the scar of that moment. It is not a scar like any other it is like a time machine that will snap us back to the time it happened. The thing is that when it happened while the pain was unbearable now you have the added anticipation
We know how the event whatever it was will end

It also reminds us how small we are how out of control of our Destiny

You need to hang on to how much you have come through
Revel in a love that truly is extraordinary that is a now thing
Close your eyes one step one breath
You can do no more

We are here with you
Your silent screams are heard
Keep writing
Zoe

Dec 05, 2010
Haunting Memories
by: Ms Mack

Hope,

You are doing the one step forward two steps back dance. Yes the kind of fear you describe is more than your memory..... the events that took place leading up to his death are embedded snapshots in your mind. When I'm alone and nobody is around I do the same thing. I let the visions enter, break down and go through it all over again. I hear it's part of the process.

Don't be afraid, believe it or not, this is layering you to be stronger. In time we will look at those mental snapshots and always feel the sadness, however we will be able to survive it. Losing our soulmates, best friends and love of our life is trauma!

Now I know you've faced these feelings before and got your arms around them. Do that again for Paul if not for yourself. He does not want to see you suffer. Keep up the positive vibes you give everyone but remember to save some for yourself. Hang in there, grab your warm coat and take the steps forward. My prayers are with you.

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