The Darkness of my Mind
I'v found that during the day I can walk, talk and joke with those around me. Just like I was before. I wear a painted smile, I laugh at all the right jokes, smile and greet those around me like them. Problem is behind each movement is a shadow that just reaches to the edges of my mind. They don't see it... but if you look close you'll see the sadness, the sorrow and a tears my heart crying for my love loss and gone.
Second year blues I agree. Everybody is starting the look for "What am I going to buy this Christmas".
I have my son and I find myself pouring everything into him again this second year. My mother never needs anything but I will try and find something special. I've discovered that after the scare of my mother's stoke and the feeling of getting slammed with the almost lost of her I need to spend the most amount of time I can get with her. At 77 years she's still going but I remember how fast someone can be taken away when you lease expect it.
I'm in the blues, feeling the blues and being down and out these days. Life is around me but it doesn't hold much for me. The words don't make sense but the feelings leading up to the of "another year gone" as put me in a turmoil of confusion and lost.
My heart is sad. It's simple as that. I take 1 step forward to move me through the day, then 3 steps back with the sorrow of Billy not being here with me at night when I close my eys. It's the lost of being needed, loved, the touch and kiss of my love gone. It seems the tears never stop these days. I'm a basket case.
There is direction I've taken that will not cure a broken heart but will help give my soul comfort in knowing I doing some good. I've finally got myself into the "Pay it Forward" mode.
I've volunteered to help at the local Rescue Mission in Las Vegas. It's meals and in the kitchen and I know helping those will feed my soul and help others in the process. I missed the not helping Billy and I did in Arkansas so I'm looking forward to this.
Another day come and gone, another year soon to be over, more holidays missing my love....
Time does not stop and so I must continue...
1 step, 1 breath at at time ~ 1 year