The Darkness of my Mind

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Thanksgiving Memories

Thanksgiving Memories

I'v found that during the day I can walk, talk and joke with those around me. Just like I was before. I wear a painted smile, I laugh at all the right jokes, smile and greet those around me like them. Problem is behind each movement is a shadow that just reaches to the edges of my mind. They don't see it... but if you look close you'll see the sadness, the sorrow and a tears my heart crying for my love loss and gone.
Second year blues I agree. Everybody is starting the look for "What am I going to buy this Christmas".
I have my son and I find myself pouring everything into him again this second year. My mother never needs anything but I will try and find something special. I've discovered that after the scare of my mother's stoke and the feeling of getting slammed with the almost lost of her I need to spend the most amount of time I can get with her. At 77 years she's still going but I remember how fast someone can be taken away when you lease expect it.
I'm in the blues, feeling the blues and being down and out these days. Life is around me but it doesn't hold much for me. The words don't make sense but the feelings leading up to the of "another year gone" as put me in a turmoil of confusion and lost.
My heart is sad. It's simple as that. I take 1 step forward to move me through the day, then 3 steps back with the sorrow of Billy not being here with me at night when I close my eys. It's the lost of being needed, loved, the touch and kiss of my love gone. It seems the tears never stop these days. I'm a basket case.
There is direction I've taken that will not cure a broken heart but will help give my soul comfort in knowing I doing some good. I've finally got myself into the "Pay it Forward" mode.
I've volunteered to help at the local Rescue Mission in Las Vegas. It's meals and in the kitchen and I know helping those will feed my soul and help others in the process. I missed the not helping Billy and I did in Arkansas so I'm looking forward to this.
Another day come and gone, another year soon to be over, more holidays missing my love....
Time does not stop and so I must continue...
1 step, 1 breath at at time ~ 1 year

Comments for The Darkness of my Mind

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Nov 01, 2011
I like your plan
by: Anonymous

What a great idea cousin! I know that lost feeling. This second year sucks big time. I am much more emotional and I don't want to be around people if I don't have to. I want to talk about Dimitri but I get tired of the looks of pity....sigh.....can't seem to win at all. Your plan sounds so positive and I think you'll have the opportunity to meet a lot of interesting people. That will provide some distraction from your pain. Good luck and let me know how it goes.
Love, your cousin

Nov 01, 2011
It's not so much Darkness as Sadness
by: Judith in California

Patricia, I am like you . I thought by the end of a year I'd be better . We try so hard to go on and fit in with the rest of the world and all the people who still have their mates. We appear "normal" but deep down we know we are no better off than the day we lost them. Things happen when we least expect them.. all it takes is a song or a drive by some place we used to share with them or a lonely drive home after an evening out wishing they had been with us and coming home with us to go to bed and be close to them. Oh it's the comfort of him being here next to me or just being in the house that I miss so terribly much.

I too am not crazy about the coming holidays and cry just as I did last year. I feel so down most of the time and keep my mind full of noise by watching all my taped tv shows or go out to a club and talk senselessly with others just to fill a void no one can . The big hole in my heart can only be filled by the love who passed and left it there.

All we can do is keep praying that we will find our way. So I will pray for me and you and all the others here to find our way to the other side where peace and acceptance are.

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