The Day I Lost My Father
I lost my father 3 weeks ago, he died in his sleep, he was 78. Up until a few months ago dad was full of life and looked much younger than his years. Never grayed, and had no wrinkles. Even when he was diagnosed with CHF, I thought he would be able to treat it and would be with us for while longer anyway.
The morning he died, my mom called me and with frantic voice she said, “I can’t wake up dad” I told her to call 911 and I was on my way. I remember the drive there which was only a couple of minutes and how I held out the hope that I would come in and he would be sitting in his chair, insisting that he was ok and to quit fussing. When I arrived at the house my brother came out of the room and held up his hand and shook his head. I was hoping to hear he is ok. But instead I heard," he’s gone." I went in to see him.
I remember thinking that’s not him. It is so hard to see death on the face of the man whom you had only seen the look of love for your entire life. God! This can’t be happening. I remember thinking he’s not there.
I must have been in shock, when EMS arrived I tried to stay as calm as possible because my brother was inconsolable and my mother was in shock. I had to talk to the police and EMS. I didn’t cry, which is weird, but a kept running out of breath when I was talking to the police officers and kept losing my voice. I had to talk to them find out what was going to happen next, regarding the removal of his body, the procedure of the ME and other things I can’t quite remember right now.
Now I cry whenever I am alone and sometimes just break down in front of people. I lost it in the grocery store where he shopped to and I kept thinking, “Oh let me turn the corner and run into him”. The memories of him are so close, so opaque, you know, like he’s really there.
I think about the memories of him and wish I could go back and relive them only this time to know and really appreciate how precious these times were.
We are looking after our mother and as much as I am hurting I can’t imagine what she is going through. He was the love of her life, they have been together since she was 16 and he was 21. My heart is breaking for her as she tries to be strong. At the same time I am amazed at her strength.
I am starting to ramble now so I’ll wrap it up. Just want to say I love you dad, oh my god I miss you so much, you were a wonderful man and such a wonderful father, you were my rock, all your grandchildren loved you so much. You meant the world to my kids. I thought we had more time. I love you.