The day I lost my passion, love, best friend, my thousand mile wish, my everything.

I'm 29 years old, she was 31 would be 32 this month. We were together together, as she liked to say, for 7 years, married 3. We have 3 children together, the oldest 2 from previous relationships. I love my kids either way, i see them as mine plain and simple. We first met when i was 13 she would have been 15. We met when I went to the grand opening of a new movie theater with friends. We met up with other friends and as it turned out she was with them as she was friends with the same people as me. When I saw her little else mattered, it was love at first sight for me, I would later find out it was the same for her. We sat together during the movies and hung out after wards. I was hooked right then and there. We didn't stay together how ever, we both went our own way to live our lives. We would many years later see each other again at a club. We were together from that moment on. I am a writer and even I c an not find the word to tell you how much I love my wife, or how she made me feel every day, or how devastated I now am. October 30, I woke that morning to find paramedics preforming CPR on my wife, I then what was coming. They tried to use their jargon but that didn't help because I know what the terms mean. They took her to the hospital and not long after they called it. As it turned out she died of sudden and complete heart failure, at 31. I miss her so much, I hate that this has happened,I'll never get to hold her, laugh with her or at her, see her smile, kiss her lips, rub her legs, make love to her, or wake up next to her again. Now I'm just numb and empty, you may say that will pass and this a normal feeling but before you say such things you need to understand, I don't want to live with out her and there are only two reasons I have not just ended my life, one is our kids the other is because I don't know what may happen to me if I did take my own life, doing do may result in never being with her again and that would be pointless and the worse thing that could ever happen, yes worse then what had ask ready had happened. I had been with many women before my wife, around 100, and none of them can even come close to her. I will never love again simple as that. I am destroyed, broken, lost and empty. I miss her so much, I love her so much.

Comments for The day I lost my passion, love, best friend, my thousand mile wish, my everything.

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Nov 19, 2012
The day I lost my passion, love, best friend, my thousand mile wish, my everything.
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Brokenhearted I am sorry for your loss of your wife.
As difficult as things are at the moment you have made wise choices. To not end your life because you have to think of the children and you want to be with your wife at the end and this wouldn't happen if you took your own life. We all widows and widowers know how you feel. I feel the same way. Best man ever. We were married 44yrs. and he died 6 months ago of lung cancer. Life will never be the same again. I don't feel like living. My 3 Children are now Adults living their own lives. I have nothing to get up for now. Steve was my Life. The reason I lived. To Love him and look after him.
I don't know how I will survive the future. But I am just thinking one day at a time, because all our tomorrows don't belong to us till God gives them to us. So for today. I try to live well. I carry on alone and just try to live well. I wouldn't give anyone the satisfaction by killing myself. I will die with dignity and be buried in the same grave as my dear husband. LOVED FOREVER.
I know how you feel when your heart is so broken and you can't bear it anymore and you can't live without your wife. You have already changed your FOCUS. You are focusing on the children and your wife and this is a good start. Our lives have been changed forever and will never be the same again. My husband was my first love and he is the last. Just like you feel. No one else could ever take his place. Life is so very strange. So many people stay in unhappy and loveless marriages whilst those who have a good marriage and happy have it snatched away by their beloved taken away in death. I am 64yrs. so I don't care as much about life. You are so young. You lost your wife at a young age and it will be harder for you. Don't rule out your future. Try and get through your grief. See a grief counsellor. it will help you. Your world will change for the better. You will be happy again. But don't let your focus be "How will I ever be happy again." Just one day at a time. Your life will get better in time. We have no choice now in life but to do what is right for ourselves and those who are dependent on us.

Nov 18, 2012
thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you all for your words, yes i do have help if i need it. My only hope its that she can forgive me for all my mistakes and for not being there when she needed me most. I could not bare the thought of never being with her again i think that's really the only thing keeping me going is that i hope to be with her again. I'm not Christian, I'm zen buddhist, i do believe there is something after this life, i just hope that she is there waiting for me with all her love, beauty, and forgiveness.

Nov 18, 2012
It Won't Pass
by: Anonymous

I am over six months in. It has been pure hell BUT through taking the next small step I have been able to take bigger steps. I went from forcing myself to get out of bed, forcing myself to take a shower, forcing myself to cook a meal, . . . until, eventually, I didn't have to force myself anymore. It just became routine again. You see, it needs to be that way because I have little ones to take care of. I think I cried . . . that's an understatement . . . sobbed to the point of wimpering . . . pretty much non-stop for the first few months. Then, just everyday at night and in the car. Now, I am able to go a few days at a time. The grief is still there but, honestly, I am so exhausted from grieving that I don't even have the energy to cry when I want to. Plus, I don't want that life for my children. They know I am not the same, but they are kids so they acknowledge my sadness for only a second and then go back to bickering with each other. I can tell you that I have leaned on God every step of the way. I know he carried me those first few months. It's really all a blur. Anyway, I know that He is the only link now between me and my love so I spend a lot of time talking to Him. Those times when I was so overwhelmed and prayed for him to provide me comfort, He would bring me a sense of calm that would allow me to catch my breath for at least a moment. Who knew that death would be so hard on the living? It really is painful. I will not allow the enemy to suck me down into a pit of despair, though. I will rise above my circumstances, not lay underneath them. I hope you are able to do the same. Hang in there, and God bless!

Nov 17, 2012
Surviving takes work
by: M Mack

I am so sorry for your loss. It's terrible to feel so helpless when grief takes over. I've been there and know it takes time. Recovery is a slow process. Think of your children, what would they do without you. Now I know you're in no shape at the moment to take care of everyone so ask for help. Do you have family our someone you can depend on for the kids? The main thing you need is to help yourself. Allow grief to take over, let out your sadness, cry, spend time with someone who can help, listen, be supportve. After over 2 years of living after the loss of my soulmate I can honestly say that I am making it one day at a time. I've been to a support group-not for me- I've talked to a therapist in grief counselling - some help there - praying and attending mass was more help than I expected. When I stumbled upon this site, I truly found out so much about me. Many where suffering and I was not alone. I began reading, writing and I realized it does help. Im better now than I was and I do not visit the site constantly. I just come here from time to time when I need to. You are nor alone thrown into this deep sadness. Hang in there and know she is with you now in spirit. Best of luck and you have my prayers.

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