The day my life change for the worse!
The day that I lost my mom, I also lost my best friend; the only person to really ever understand me and love me for who I am and not who they wanted me to be. She was the only person that I could tell anything and not have to worry about being judged and I always knew no matter what she would still love me. I would say I was one of the fortunate ones, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer when I was five years old. Obviously at that age I didn’t completely understand how serious it was. I just knew that my mom was gone to the hospital and was very sick. I say I’m one of the lucky ones because after that I still had seventeen years with my mom. Over the years I knew that every time she was in remission that it could just be a temporary thing. I knew that I could lose my mom at any time. Cancer is not something that to be taken lightly. My mom always wanted me to know that her time may be short but she was always there for me. I never took her for granted I knew what I had before I lost it. It may even be because of the cancer that we were so close. She was a very strong woman; I know that she fought the cancer as long and as hard as she did for me and my brother. She just wanted to raise her kids, she wanted a chance to watch us grow up, have our own families, and be the responsible caring people that she raised us to be. So she fought and she fought hard. Seventeen years later my brother had his own family two little boys and one on the way. She was having one last surgery, she told me this was it; she couldn’t do anymore after this. She was having the surgery just to buy time for my brother, her grandkids, and me. Unfortunately after she was released from the hospital she passed away in the hotel with my dad and grandmother; for what we only assume to be a blood clot. I say that I’m lucky for having seventeen years with her, and you would think that knowing that it was a chance all those years would make it easier; but really it didn’t. Don’t get me wrong I’m thankful for those years there were so many things that she taught me how to be a generous, loving human being. But in my own selfishness I wish she was here. I still to this day pick up the phone to call her when I need help or advice. My mom passed away on June 12, 2010. Almost two years now the pain is no easier, some days it’s unbearable. I cry myself to sleep. All the while I have to put a front that I’m okay and that I’m moving on with my life. I don’t want people to take pity on me, I know I was blessed for the time I had with her; it helps at times to know that she is no longer in pain and in such a better place. But it’s hard; the last time that I saw my mom she was in the ICU at Duke, I had to leave to go back to work I had no more time that I could take off. I still feel very guilty that I left, but before I did we had our time of arguing who loved who more, like we had done so many times before. How many people can say the main thing that they ever argued about with their mom was who loved who more? I miss her deeply and if I could have traded places with her I would have done it in a second. She was such a better person than I can ever imagine being, everyone loved her, she never said anything against anyone. I know one day I will see her again but until then I feel dead inside, too scared to let anyone in knowing that I may lose them. I don’t think that I could take another loss of someone I love. So I distant myself all while trying to seem together and perfect never letting anyone know that I can barely live life without her. If your still reading this I thank you, to know that someone else knows how I feel finally; even though I don’t know you. It may help to at least get it out there. Knowing that I’m not alone in grieving and just hoping that someday it gets better and I can just accept the fate that I was dealt.