The day my life changed forever

by Angela

My life changed forever on May 8, 2010. My 48 yr old husband died instantly of a heart attack. We had been married 20 years and have 3 kids. He had never had any health problems but had complained of shoulder pain all day. He thought it was a pulled muscle. The minutes before he walked up the stairs replay in mind like a movie. If only I had gone to bed with him, at least I would have been there for his last moment. I heard a noise, not like a crash, just a weird noise, then loud snoring. I ran up the stairs and everything fell apart. I wish my kids had never seen him like that. I think I knew in my heart that he was gone as soon as I saw his face.

The days and weeks after are a blur. My kids wanted to get back to school, so I let them. My daughter wanted to pitch in her last 3 games, so I let her. (her dad was her coach) I went to awards programs and life went on, sort of. Finally, at the end of June, we decided to go on vacation. In our world, we felt nothing but sadness at home. Our house was a constant reminder of what we had lost. We went and had a pretty good time. It wasn't perfect, but better than home. Who knew that my trip had made my In laws furious. I came home to find out that they had been talking about me to anyone who would listen. They all disappeared after the funeral, I was so involved with making it day to day that I didn't think much about it. Now, looking back the signs were all there. They didn't join me and my kids at the funeral home. They all set up camp right by the casket, we stood away from it. My kids just couldn't take standing right beside it. My focus was on my children and I couldn't understand why they didn't feel that way too. It all finally came to a head one Saturday morning when my Father in law showed up at my house to collect his things. (out of our basement) I had not bought a headstone yet and it made him really angry. Terrible things were said, things that can never be taken back. (not that he has tried) I finally knew how bad the situation was. I thought of all people, my Sister in law could understand that my kids had to come first, I was wrong. In their world, it was all about them and their loss. My kids are all teens and picked up on this right away. I just kept telling them, that we didn't need this extra stress, but it didn't matter. Finally, I had to distance us from them.

Nobody has ever apologized or even discussed what happened. I think they got worried about losing any contact with the kids so they started "playing" nice. I feel stress anytime they call or email. I have had to come to terms with the fact that they want the kids but not me. Unfortunately, we are a package. This whole situation has put an extra cloud on us. They expect so much from me and the kids but are not willing to give it back. My Sister in law just sees how her parents feel, never cares what my kids feel. ( or me) We have lost a constant person in our lives. I am alone! As an only child, I have no sisters or brothers to lean on. I feel truly alone. My kids get mad and I am the person who has to deal with it, alone. My niece is the only one who reaches out. She does come over and see us. She doesn't ask anything from us. I don't want to feel angry, but I don't know how to get past it.

I have had to accept the loss of Darryl's friends too. I have my friends and I have made new ones and have learned to lean on them. Darryl was the kind of man who would do anything for anybody. I guess, I thought his friends would also be that way. In the beginning, I asked for help, but it seemed like they couldn't handle being here without Darryl, so I stopped. If I think about it, it upsets me, so I don't think about it.

We are coming up on the year mark. Some days I feel like everything will be ok but then I lose that feeling. I get on Facebook and want to post how I really feel, but its too much for people to handle. People say "your a great Mom" and we are so impressed how you keep your kids moving forward. They don't see how I sit in the car and cry and find myself staring off into space. I feel so lonely. Nobody can possibly understand.

Comments for The day my life changed forever

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Mar 30, 2011
The day my life changed forever
by:

I understand your pain. Not only did the love of my life die suddenly approx. 3 months ago but just 5 days after his death while packing our belongings up to move (he left me with no life insurance), my daughter decides to show her butt and pitch a royal temper tantrum. She left taking my 3 grandchildren back to their home in another state and I have not heard or seen from them since. My other relatives told her that I didn't need that kind of behavior and told her it was best for her to leave. She told them that she blamed me for his death (he was addicted to prescription pain pills). That does not change the fact that I still do not get to see my grandkids. Take care of your children. You can not worry about what others think. Surround yourself with loved ones and dont give anyone else another thought. This will take time and I will pray for you.

Mar 22, 2011
Actually we understand here
by: Angela

Angela,

I am very sorry for your loss and applaud you on making it to this point with sanity.

I believe your in-laws are acting like awful people, but perhaps that is how they deal with their own grief. I believe you were correct in putting your children first, and if someone disagrees with you on that, so what. You are the mother and no ones know what you kids need more than you do. There is no disrespect or lack of love in your daughter pitching her ball game. she was doing what her Dad was coaching her to do. Returning to school was probably the best things for them since moving into the new normal is what we're all trying to do.

Believe in yourself. You have never walked this road before so all you can do is do the best you can each day.

We are here for you anytime and you can say anything you want here-it's perfectly safe.

JM

Mar 22, 2011
CLING TO THE GOOD PEOPLE
by: Anonymous

We all understand only too well. I lost my husband of 35 years in December of last year. The loneliness can be overwhelming. Having to deal with inconsiderate family members is something you don't need to deal with right now. Cling to the family and friends that make you feel good about yourself. Your husband is no longer here and it's your needs and feelings that need to be considered now. If they can't be considerate, don't deal with them. Obviously your family members haven't lost their spouse. I lost my brother (at a very young age) and my dad previous to my husband's death. Those deaths don't compare with the loss of my spouse. Joe was my whole life.
We will go on. We are here on earth for such a short time. You need to focus on your children and what makes you happy. Don't let people bring you down. They just aren't worth it. Be kind to them but don't "let them in." Depend on people who really care about your feelings.
I know what you mean about sitting in your car and crying. I do it for hours on end.
God's blessings to you. pj

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