The day my life changed forever

by Angela

My life changed forever on May 8, 2010. My 48 yr old husband died instantly of a heart attack. We had been married 20 years and have 3 kids. He had never had any health problems but had complained of shoulder pain all day. He thought it was a pulled muscle. The minutes before he walked up the stairs replay in mind like a movie. If only I had gone to bed with him, at least I would have been there for his last moment. I heard a noise, not like a crash, just a weird noise, then loud snoring. I ran up the stairs and everything fell apart. I wish my kids had never seen him like that. I think I knew in my heart that he was gone as soon as I saw his face.

The days and weeks after are a blur. My kids wanted to get back to school, so I let them. My daughter wanted to pitch in her last 3 games, so I let her. (her dad was her coach) I went to awards programs and life went on, sort of. Finally, at the end of June, we decided to go on vacation. In our world, we felt nothing but sadness at home. Our house was a constant reminder of what we had lost. We went and had a pretty good time. It wasn't perfect, but better than home. Who knew that my trip had made my In laws furious. I came home to find out that they had been talking about me to anyone who would listen. They all disappeared after the funeral, I was so involved with making it day to day that I didn't think much about it. Now, looking back the signs were all there. They didn't join me and my kids at the funeral home. They all set up camp right by the casket, we stood away from it. My kids just couldn't take standing right beside it. My focus was on my children and I couldn't understand why they didn't feel that way too. It all finally came to a head one Saturday morning when my Father in law showed up at my house to collect his things. (out of our basement) I had not bought a headstone yet and it made him really angry. Terrible things were said, things that can never be taken back. (not that he has tried) I finally knew how bad the situation was. I thought of all people, my Sister in law could understand that my kids had to come first, I was wrong. In their world, it was all about them and their loss. My kids are all teens and picked up on this right away. I just kept telling them, that we didn't need this extra stress, but it didn't matter. Finally, I had to distance us from them.

Nobody has ever apologized or even discussed what happened. I think they got worried about losing any contact with the kids so they started "playing" nice. I feel stress anytime they call or email. I have had to come to terms with the fact that they want the kids but not me. Unfortunately, we are a package. This whole situation has put an extra cloud on us. They expect so much from me and the kids but are not willing to give it back. My Sister in law just sees how her parents feel, never cares what my kids feel. ( or me) We have lost a constant person in our lives. I am alone! As an only child, I have no sisters or brothers to lean on. I feel truly alone. My kids get mad and I am the person who has to deal with it, alone. My niece is the only one who reaches out. She does come over and see us. She doesn't ask anything from us. I don't want to feel angry, but I don't know how to get past it.

I have had to accept the loss of Darryl's friends too. I have my friends and I have made new ones and have learned to lean on them. Darryl was the kind of man who would do anything for anybody. I guess, I thought his friends would also be that way. In the beginning, I asked for help, but it seemed like they couldn't handle being here without Darryl, so I stopped. If I think about it, it upsets me, so I don't think about it.

We are coming up on the year mark. Some days I feel like everything will be ok but then I lose that feeling. I get on Facebook and want to post how I really feel, but its too much for people to handle. People say "your a great Mom" and we are so impressed how you keep your kids moving forward. They don't see how I sit in the car and cry and find myself staring off into space. I feel so lonely. Nobody can possibly understand.