the despair and lonliness of being a widow after 55 years of marriage

by Mai
(Illinois)

My husband was ill but I didn't expect him to die. My life seems over, I miss him so much. I live alone with my dog, which I find comfort in. My husband loved the dog and I promised to care for him always.I miss human companionship. Every night I would tell him I loved him and He would answer I love you more. One night he just stopped breathing , I preformed cpr and the rescue squad came but couldn't revive him.I wanted to die also . My purpose in life is gone and nothing interests me.I am on depression medication and seeing a therapist but the pain is still there, it is like my heart is broken and I will never recover.

Comments for the despair and lonliness of being a widow after 55 years of marriage

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Jul 07, 2014
Widows together
by: Catherine

Hi Mia,
I can well understand how you feel, as my dear husband of 45 years passed away only two and a half weeks ago.
We were renting this place while looking for another, so I have the difficulty of having to find anther place also.
At least my dear husband died in peace while in bed, but it was a shock as not expected at all.

All the best to all and thanks so much for this website.

Catheine

Jul 07, 2014
I loved her so much xx
by: Anonymous

I lost my wife suddenly one morning about 6 yrs ago its been very hard I cant believe it has taken me so long to get to adjust to living on my own I volunteer on Mondays at a stately house national trust and I dance two nights a week but nothing will ever replace the emptiness of the loss of my wife of 36yrs and knowing her 41 yrs I loved her so much xxx I have three lovely children and 3 wonderful grandchildren sometimes I feel ok but other times I feel as if im just plodding thro my life with no meaning or purpose but at least now sometimes im ok on my own at last.... unless I meet someone as wonderful I cant see how I we ever be as happy living with my wonderful wife Madeleine ...my youngest son and partner has just recently had a baby girl and named her Madeleine Rose wonderful xx we all miss her so much x

Jun 29, 2014
thinking of you
by: June

Dear Mai
I so understand your loss and your lonliness. This site is so helpful with such compassionate people writing in.
I lost my husband Mike, 2 years and almost 4 months ago, after 42 years of marriage. Just today I had a "melt down", was looking through pictures of cruises we had been on...pictures of us having such a great time..and today the tears came again. As time goes on it is actually getting worse for me.
I also have a dog and cat which are a great comfort to me. Having family does help but they all have their own lives with kids and jobs, and I know they think I am doing well because I keep busy. One of the comments, I think it was Judith, is so true, volunteering, helping others does in turn help us. I volunteering once a week at a homeless shelter, I have been doing this for over 3 years and it has helped me almost more then helping them. Nothing is going to take the place of our spouses, my hope is that we will be together again.
Thinking of everyone on this website going through this journey.
June
Canada

Jun 26, 2014
Deepest sympathy
by: Lawrence

Hi,
Everybody on this wonderful web site knows the agony and overwhelming sadness of losing a beloved partner.
You are going through a,once in lifetimes experience, and you will never ever feel as bad as you do now.
I know it’s no consolation, but grief is the price we pay for the wonderful years of love and passion, you had fifty five years, I had nearly seventy, until my precious wife died on Christmas Day 2012 in a second, one minute talking and two hours later I was kissing her goodbye, closing her eyes and thanking her for an exquisite seventy years of love, on her death bed.
I was so grief-stricken I also went to the doctor for help and after asking me a load of questions he said I was suffering from depression, I disagreed saying I was suffering from intense grief, but he insisted on giving me anti depression tablets, which I never took.
Now, eighteen months later I am still heartbroken, but the tears have lessened and I even smile occasionally, but I miss her so dreadfully.
My life, like yours, will never be the same again, but we have to continue living as truthfully there is no alternative.
You are younger than me and you must force yourself to get out of the house and engage in some activity.
You would be amazed what I do to take my mind off my empty life,,I have learned to play bridge, which I must tell you isn't easy at the age of eighty five, I have weekly violin lessons, write books etc,ect ,but needless to say, I still come back to an empty lonely house, but as I said previously, this is the price we pay for love.
Write back and let us all know how you are coping.
With deepest sympathy.
Lawrence

Jun 23, 2014
Despair and loneliness after 55 years
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Mai,
You have come to a womderful site. We all have similiar feelings after the death of our loved one. For me it will be 3 years on Friday, June 27th, that my husband of 46 years died from a massive heart attack. Like your husband he had health issues. He came home from the hospital on June 25th, our 46th wedding anniversary was June 26th and he died 10 minutes after midnight, the early morning of June 27th. It was quick and painless, yet, I felt lke a part of me died with him. After 3 years, I still feel that way. We do go on. What choice do we have? Our life is forever changed.
I was fortunate to have a very good support system. I joined a grief support group through my church and developed a friendship with three other widows. We were there for each other. Three years later, two have another man in their life. they are living with them. Another is alot like me, withot a man in her life, but she wants one. Then there is me. I have no interst in another man. I miss my husband terribly. He is the only man I ever had and I still feel, I can't have him any longer, so unless God puts a man right in front of me and tells me, he is for me; I will spend the rest of my life alone. I am okay with that. I have 5 adult children and 8 granchildren and I have 3 different groups of ladies that I do things with at least once a month.
Do things you enjoy. Like you and your husband we always kissed each other good night, said God Bless you and I love you. I still tell my husband that every morning and night, I don't know if he hears me, but it makes me feel good.
Come to this site as often as you feel the nedd 24-7. There is always someone who will read your posts and respond. We all are walking the same journey and truly understand what you are feeling; only one who has lost a love truly understands. people try to say things to comfort us; only sometimes some really stupid things come out of their mouth. Telling us to get over it is one. We will never truly get over it. We slowly learn how to go on without them; keeping them tucked safely in our heart. Cherish your meories and be grateful that he was in your life.
You may receive many posts. Read them and take what you need from them. My love and blessings to you.

Jun 23, 2014
Dear Mai,
by: Anonymous

I am sorry for the loss of your husband. My father died suddenly from cardiac arrest last year, and he and my mother were together for 50 years. She is so heartbroken, and will never get over what happened. My family and I live close by and see her almost everyday, but we can never replace what she had with my father. I hope reading what others on this website write will help you and I wish you comfort and peace as you continue to heal, Barb

Jun 23, 2014
the despair and loneliness of being a widow after 55 years of marriage.
by: Doreen UK

Mai I am sorry for your loss of your husband to a sudden death. You describe aptly how we all feel and what we go through in the days after we have lost our spouse.
I was married 44yrs. and lost my husband to cancer 2yrs. ago. A cancer journey that was horrendous and broke my heart caring for a husband I loved and was about to lose. I wanted to die. I couldn't function for 6 months. I was totally broken into pieces and couldn't pick myself up. What I did was to take to the couch for 6 months and nurture myself slowly letting myself feel the full wrath and pain of grief. I didn't think as many of us do that I would recover from feeling the pain of grief. But slowly TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. I got my life back and started to heal. I had done the therapy/counselling some years ago so was able to sit tight and let the healing process start. None of us knows what to expect and how grief feels till we experience this. It is wise to see a counsellor who is trained to help us work through our pain of loss. I am glad you are doing this for yourself. Just don't give up too early thinking you are feeling better. See it to the end. You will reclaim your life back and get through each day better. We don't have a choice to NOT LIVE. We just try to live out the rest of our lives the best way we can. Losing a spouse is one of the most painful experiences of life. The hard part is trying to adjust and restructure our lives without our spouse. But it is do-able. As we support each other on this grief site with encouragement, and the ability to draw strength from within to sustain us in our loss.
I hope your therapy goes well and that you are able to cope and believe in time that you will get your life back, and begin to live again even if we don't feel like it. May God comfort you and give you HIs Peace.

Jun 22, 2014
Dear Mai
by: Judith in California

Mai, I'm sorry for your lose after 55 yrs of marriage. You didn't say ow long ago he passed but feeling as you do is normal after we loose our mates of such a long time. They were our life and every reason we lived. I know mine was. He passed 3 yrs 9 months ago . We were married 35 1/2 years. I was his caregiver for 3 1/2 yrs. I knew he would pass one day but it did not lessen my heartbreak and pain. I just began my grieving process early when we lost so much of our marriage before he passed.
There is no set time for how long we grieve for them. It's such an emotional roller coaster ride. You go for weeks crying every day and then it stops when you think you have cried all your tears then everything reminds you of them and it begins again . Just last week i cried just like it was when he passed. It surprised me.
Grieving is natural and being depressed about it is natural. Taking meds to stop feeling what is natural goes against nature. I refused to take pills because I want to feel what I am supposed to.
Yes, Mai, it is lonely but when I can't stand it I take off and go out to eat. It's better than sitting at home. Try to make new friends. Go to the mall to the food court and look around for other singe ladies who are alone and strike up a conversation. Take the doggie to a dog park and meet folks there. Find a support group. Eventually you will find you don't need the meds. Do you have a talent you can enjoy. I go dancing even if it's alone. Most folks dance by themselves anyway. Go to a movie you really want to see. Become involved with your community. Church has it's own rewards. Volunteer to help others. When you are involved with others you you will have purpose again.
I won't tell you you won't feel lonely again but these things will make you feel like you are a part of life. You must not isolate yourself.

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