The dreaded day has arrived

by Judy
(Rockledge FL)

Well, the dreaded day has arrived, the one year anniversary of Barry's death, and I feel.....nothing. I left this day open to be alone because I thought I'd be upset, teary, grief stricken but instead I'm kind of numb. I've made it a year and nothing has changed. I've been very emotionally wrought up all week but now I just feel nothing.

Perhaps this is the acceptance of this new life I must accept, like it or not. Somewhere along the line the little thought, deeply hidden, that he might come back has disappeared. I have parted with some of the things he treasured, most because of economic necessity. I have had my mortgage modified, paid off a car, seen my child married, carried Bear to his final resting place, maintained the house, handled small emergencies (not always well) and done this all alone. So I guess by the standards of the world I am "all right".

In my heart and in my mind I am still confused and unsure about where this new life is going and what my role in it will be. I am still mom, friend, co-worker, neighbor, and this new unwelcome role of widow. How does that fit in with these other roles?

I am not the same person I was before. I have a shell now, put up around myself for the purpose of keeping myself together around others who tire easily of a widow's unending sadness. This shell goes everywhere with me work, church, shopping even speaking to my kids. If I let it down a little it alarms people and makes them uncomfortable. So it is safer, but lonely, to move around in the shell. I guess the trick for the next year will be to try and let little cracks open in the shell and see what happens. I don't like this lonely life.

Bear I miss you so much. Our years together are my best memories. I wouldn't take back one minute, one fight, one trip, one dinner, one long day in the hospital, one speck of our time together. I would not have have missed this dance.

I love you baby. And I will be ok.


Comments for The dreaded day has arrived

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Nov 30, 2010
The dreaded day has arrived
by: Zoe


I think that part of the problem we have is that people keep telling us we must accept this new life, whatever it is. I do not think we accept it, I think we adjust to it.

You wear your shell, I wear a mask, we all hide what we feel, afraid of driving others away, but not really wanting anyone near.

I didn't come back to work until today, I couldn't. When someone mentioned why I was out I said simply it is my first Thanksgiving without John, my voice shook a little, and I watched the head drop and the eyes look to my door for a quick escape. They don't want to be around people who are sad on holidays.. I didn't act like I noticed, I just went back to work.

I marvel at you and the others here, how well you seem to do, how strong you all are. I do not do as well as most of you, but I try, you inspire me to try..

You can come here without your shell, we understand, we will not shy away or change the subject.. our shoulders are here for you as well as our hearts..

you made it though a milestone, how many more are there, I have no idea, but know we are here for you


Nov 28, 2010
the dreaded day has arrived
by: jules

Judy - you have the right attitude - stay on this site - here you can say exactly how you are feeling, I know what you mean about not being able to say some things to some people - I am in the same boat -

Keep in touch through this site - know that we all care

Nov 27, 2010
The Shell


You have made it through the year mark that you have dreaded and wondered How did I get through that year of grief?!! The shell that you wear protects others and yourself and I wish that I could learn how to wear it. For the sake of privacy and acceptance. I do Not want a Big W branded on my forehead, but it is branded on my heart and I need to try to keep my feelings to my self. It really does no good to spew them out to people that do not know what it is like anyway.

Like you say, they grow weary of the widow pity party. I need to train myself to realise that only a few people will allow me to talk about Paul and really actually listen. Unless they are Kin to Me or Paul their minds and eyes will wander off to something more important like what they are cooking for dinner that night.

I wish you and all of us here strength to be the best that we can be in the upcoming difficult months ahead....

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