The end of my 22 year marriage!

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The end of my 22 year marriage!

by Catherine
(BC Canada)

4 days before Christmas my husband announced that he wanted a divorce. He had stopped loving me & didn't want to stay married to me any longer.

I was floored after talking with him these past 2 months that he hasn't been happy for the past 18 years! I had no idea whatsoever that he was that unhappy & had stopped loving me some time ago. I was devastated to learn that most of our marriage was a sham. I even started questioning why we had our children.

I noticed that he started showing attention to a female co-worker about March/May of 2010. Things quickly progressed & he developed a "close" relationship with this woman. By the way... he's 56 & she's 34. I won't go into the details, but by the way he was acting & the things that he was doing, I could tell there was something more than a friendship (that's what he called it).

Of course this woman is just a symptom of what is/or is not happening in our marriage, but unfortunately she's become the main focus. My husband refuses to discuss her or even try to work out our marriage.

It is this and so much more that I have grieving. I am grieving for the loss of my marriage, the loss of my best friend & husband. The betrayal of his infidelity, lack of compassion & faith in our relationship. I fail to understand why he's doing what he is. I fail to understand any of this & this is where I'm stuck. I'm a fairly intelligent person & I know the steps I need to take to help & heal myself, but for some reason I'm stuck. I don't know how even though I know what I have to do.

I can't seem to see past the moment I'm in, never mind the next 5, 10 minutes or hours to come. I question whether I will be able to work though these feeling & see the light at the end of the tunnel. People tell me things will get better, that I will heal & be stronger for it. Right now, in the moment I just can't see it. Is this normal? Is this part of the grieving process? Do others go through the same thing as I am?

The pain is unbearable. It's so difficult to keep on going but I have to for the sake of my children. I feel so very sad, so very lonely that my life is reduced to this.

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The end of my 22 year marriage!

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Just plain sad!!!
by: Anonymous

I was marragefifteen years and for the most part all mentally abusive. I never could do anything right but I try because of my age all I wanted is to have someone to grow old with I begged pleaded nothing we lived through our marrage like roommate.I don't know what wrong with me I feel like such a failure and so very lost We had no friends we did nothing but work and come home so I don't know how to get up and go on I feel so lost.

You will get through this
by: Anonymous

Believe it or not, but you Will get through this. It's been a year and I am feeling so much better about things. I'm still dealing with things, but it's not devasting as it was a year ago. I'm getting on with my life now. I realized that I can't make my ex come back (nor do I want him to anymore) so why dwell on it and make my life a living hell. I'm not completely over things yet. I now know that time does heal all wounds.

i call it smashed and coping the best i can
by: Anonymous

hi
i was married for 22 years my wife told me she didnot love me anymore, only to found out she was seeing another man,it was all a mess both are kids where smoking weed and we both had no control over it, i went and got the help we needed to stay together, but only to find out she was seeing another man, it broken me into bits,,,
i moved out with nothing, i gave her the lot, she was living in our house, then without me knowing she went and moved into rented, i gave her 600pounds and got my daughter a bed and all her bits for the room, 2 day i met another person but iam still hurting and missing my life with my family, are family home is being taken back from the bank, and iam the only one who cares about that house but i cannot go back there, iam 41years old so thats me done, with any chance of getting another mortage, iam worried all the time, just got over 12months of councilling, just hope one day i can rebuild my life and try and move on, thanks

Husband left After 23 years of marriage
by: Norma

I know exactly how you feel. My husband left after 27 years together, 23 married. It's devastating as I can't stop crying. He is very handsome and women just drool over him. I developed hypothyroidism which made me gain weight. He told me "I lost the love and respect for you I once had. I wish you the best in finding someone that can overlook those faults that I could never overlook in you"

We have four kids, 22, 20, 19, 17 and they are very angry.

I know exactly how you feel
by: Dee

I know exactly how you feel. I am going thru a divorce after 26 years of marriage from a cheating exhusband who I thought of as my heart and soul. I keep telling myself there will be "HOPE" for my future and I am going to get thru this divorce with "DIGNITY"
Have a great day in some way. I say a prayer for everyone who is going thru what I am and hope we all get thru the devastation of a broken heart together.

B Strong for yourself
by: Ipsita Majumder

I have no such experience in my personal life but I think That the person who wants to leave U, let him go. Life will tell him how important u were to him & what a mistake he has done in his life by ignoring u.U also have lot of things in your life. According to me make friends & be happy with new engagements.
We all come to the world alone & have to go alone. All other things R abstract. Think about the almighty & about people having pains more than U.
And be happy man.

LOSS
by: Anonymous

I am sorry for your pain and I too emphathize. My first husband had an affair, so I know that pain; the only thing that helped was time. something no one wants to hear, right? I am in my second marriage, 21 years, but it has always been a struggle, i always felt that he did not really want to be married, I was the burden. He has consistently put his real family (mom, 3 sisters and a niece) before me and his children. Whenever there is a crisis, he takes it out on me and the marriage. He complains about me to old girlfriends and I am disgusted and heartbroken about his lack of loyalty. it is difficult to have a marriage end. I feel as though i wasted so many years.

I do feel your pain
by: Anonymous

I am also struggling over the end of my marriage.

Understanding & compassion
by: Cathe

I am so sorry this is happening to you as well. It's been about 4 1/2 months now & things seem to be getting a little easier. The feelings of pain & betrayal are just as great, but I'm learning to work past it. I am seeing a counsellor which is helping immensely.

We are still living together but that's a living hell. My daughter & I are moving out this weekend as it's gotten so intolerable. My ex & I haven't been talking to each other in a month & if we have to communicate, we do so by text message or email.

As for how I cope, well it's one day at a time. I have friends who support me. I found a part time job to occupy my time & mind, bought a car so I have freedom & just try to live my life without him. I've decided I deserve someone better than him & if that means having to go it alone for a while, then so be it.

I don't know how long ago this happened to you, but believe me when I tell you it does get better as time goes on. I know it's such a cliche, but it's really true. Time will pass & you'll wake up one day & realize the pain & all those bad feelings will go away.

If your significant other doesn't want to work on it, accept what she says as truth & move on. Mine said the same thing & I begged & pleaded with him. It didn't work & ended up making me feel less of a person for having begged.

I wish you all the best. I will also be keeping you in my thoughts & prayers.

Understanding and Compassion
by: Anonymous

I cried reading your blog! This is me, only in a same sex marriage and it has been 7 years. She has taken interest in another woman. She told me right before my birthday that she has felt that we were just friends for the past two years. It is hard to live. I feel your pain. It seems like life will never be the same ever again. I also do not know how to go on and move forward. I too am intelligent, but have also been reduced to the sobbing, hysterical person that types now. I too ask WHY? Why me...and how...how did this happen? I too want her to work on US, but she is convinced that when her feelings are gone, they are gone. Are you still living together? How are you dealing with your loss and grief today? I hope you are healing for yourself. That is what we need to do. Heal for ourselves so that we can hopefully enjoy life once again. Take care...I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

He's awful!
by: Anonymous

Oh, I am so sorry.I have been through something similar, but my fiancee for 3 years ended up having a "friendship" and broke everything off. I know the darkness...I know the feeling of not being able to get beyond it. It is so incredibly painful. I am a year out from when my ex broke up with me and I can honestly say the pain is just as intense as it was then. I don't know the answer. I'm grateful you have kids to help you have purpose and move on...even if just in motions. All we can do is pray with all our might to our God and plead for help. That is what I do. I'm praying for you. I'm so sorry. Somehow, someday we will be beyond this pain and sorrow. Know that I care and that I feel for your hurt.

Dignity
by: Catherine

Thank you so much for those wonderful words. I've read them over & over & they made me feel so much better. You are so right, it all makes sense to me now.

dignity- hold you head up high
by: Anonymous

First off don't you believe that he has been unhappy for 18 years...Not many people would be unhappy for that long. He is trying to justify his behavior and make you suffer. Apparently its working. He is trying to make you feel like crap so that he wont. Don't you dare girl! My Ex tried to belittle me and make me feel like a dingleberry. I know that the death of a marriage even a bad one as I had can be painful. I wrote a poem of sorts called Death of a marriage. You are worthwhile and though you love/loved him, he is not worth fighting for...Let her have him so that he can cheat on her too. I know that you hurt and I do not mean to make this simple. Where emotions and tender hearts are concerned nothing is simple. But know this, you did nothing but love him and he is not deserving of such a wonderful person as yourself. Don't let him walk all over you sister, fight for your dignity...

SUPPORT
by: Anonymous

THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME AT CHRISTMAS I MISS HIM SO MUCH

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The end of my 22 year marriage!

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The end of my 22 year marriage!