The Eyes Have it

by Zoe

You could move me with a look. One of exasperation as I came running in from shopping with bags of things I have no use for (Really Zoe, you would say, how many pairs of shoes does one woman need, I would just give you a quick kiss and say I will take them back if you want. Of course you would give me a look and then a hug and go no, if they make you happy you must have some extra feet around here somewhere), to a look of disapproval when I would be short with someone you felt deserved more of my patience, to a look that would send me to the moon because you loved me. How am I supposed to go through this world without those eyes, you are so much kinder than I am, so much more patient, you always could see another side of things, you are always hopeful never hopeless. When we were going to sign the final contract on our house we walked down the sidewalk arm and arm me carefully weighing the pros and cons, and finally you looked at me and said hell if we don’t like it we will sell it, it is just another place for us to be, as long as we are together the rest will work out.

So now what? How are thing suppose to work out? It has been a year plus a month, that is how my life is measured anymore, not in days or months but how much time has passed since you died. Our life has become my life. I redid the bedroom, but I did it in a way I knew you would approve. I still make decisions with you in mind. I know there are those who think that is a bad thing or that I am hanging on. Maybe I am. But when I do things with you, I know I have the perspective of your thought your vision. If I am lucky, I will be able to keep that vision until I join you my love.

When John went into kidney failure not even the doctors expected it, so I had flown out to Maryland for a week, just a week...anyway I rushed back and when I ran into the hospital room he was thrashing and making noises and faces and hitting everyone who came near. I ran up to the bed and when I realized he was not focusing I climbed upon the bed so that I was nose to nose with him, his eyes were looking all around I heard nurses and doctors saying he cannot hear you; he cannot see you; and I heard my daughter saying he may thing you are a hallucination. So I took his face between my hands and I just kept saying I am here I am not your imagination, I love you I am right here and for the briefest of moments his eyes locked with mine then he closed them and he never opened them again.

The eyes have always had it.

One breath, one step, one day at a time

Comments for The Eyes Have it

Click here to add your own comments

Apr 28, 2011
The key to the soul...

It was said by someone (before Paul) that the eyes are the key to the soul. Your post brings me a memory of our first date. He said just that the "Line" that the eyes are the key to the soul.
I thought he was just pulling some line on me so I looked him right in the eye and asked what he saw. His description was so right on the money that I could not say much.

He had big brown eyes that said more than words could. I miss it too. As far as I have come surviving and trying (not quite succeeding) to accept grief as part of my life. (A bad part)
There will always be times that I miss that look of his. Regardless of what we tried to communicate with each other a look would normally suffice even without the words explaining.

That is why widows are shown wearing glasses because the look in our eyes would make anyone look away from our pain. Keep on keeping on we will all fake it till we make it.

Apr 27, 2011
The eyes have it
by: M Mack


It's evident your pain is still very fresh in your mind and heart after just over a year. Your right.....the eyes have it all, the windows to the soul. Your story touched me personally because the first thing that drew me to Ray were his beautiful green eyes. Oh how we want the love of our lives back.
My soul burns with want for Ray yet we both know our loves cannot return.

The events you wrote about are embedded in your mind so it won't do any good to tell you to forget it, or not think about it. I believe you did exactly what you should do......write and read to gain comfort from those in your SHOES. I think John was wrong about the shoes.....that you don't need another pair because right now you need as many shoes as you could get! I may be just another pair of flip flops, but I'm here to try and make you feel better. I feel better after knowing I'm not
alone in my reminiscing either.

You know we hear you and feel your words. Take care of yourself my friend. I admire your courage to speak your mind. I also want you to keep writing and expressing your feelings as long as you need to! God bless you Zoe, you're gonna be ok one day at a time. (my submit word is shalom)
What a coincidence!

Apr 27, 2011
Eye Love It :)
by: TrishJ

Oh Zoe.......................
I'm at that 5 month mark. Part of me feels like I need to begin making progress to move on and part of me just doesn't even want to try. I'm still wearing my wedding rings, I have pictures of Joe all over my apartment. It's so hard to get rid of "things."
I know I'm still in the baby step stages ~ but I have days where I feel like I'm regressing. I just sit back and let it happen.
I believe in my heart your husband knew you were there. When I got called back to the hospital Joe was unresponsive to verbal stimulus. I held his hand. He was thrashing all over the bed trying to pull the respirator out. When I held his hand he calmed down. Some days I think I feel his presence ~ the next day I feel so depressed I talk myself into believing I imagined I felt his presence. Does that even make any sense?
Thank you for your post ~ it was beautiful. I know you miss your husband as I miss mine. I try to imagine where I'll be in one year from now. Wherever I am I will still be missing him. And now the tears come. God bless us.
One step, one breath.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!