The Eyes Have it
You could move me with a look. One of exasperation as I came running in from shopping with bags of things I have no use for (Really Zoe, you would say, how many pairs of shoes does one woman need, I would just give you a quick kiss and say I will take them back if you want. Of course you would give me a look and then a hug and go no, if they make you happy you must have some extra feet around here somewhere), to a look of disapproval when I would be short with someone you felt deserved more of my patience, to a look that would send me to the moon because you loved me. How am I supposed to go through this world without those eyes, you are so much kinder than I am, so much more patient, you always could see another side of things, you are always hopeful never hopeless. When we were going to sign the final contract on our house we walked down the sidewalk arm and arm me carefully weighing the pros and cons, and finally you looked at me and said hell if we don’t like it we will sell it, it is just another place for us to be, as long as we are together the rest will work out.
So now what? How are thing suppose to work out? It has been a year plus a month, that is how my life is measured anymore, not in days or months but how much time has passed since you died. Our life has become my life. I redid the bedroom, but I did it in a way I knew you would approve. I still make decisions with you in mind. I know there are those who think that is a bad thing or that I am hanging on. Maybe I am. But when I do things with you, I know I have the perspective of your thought your vision. If I am lucky, I will be able to keep that vision until I join you my love.
When John went into kidney failure not even the doctors expected it, so I had flown out to Maryland for a week, just a week...anyway I rushed back and when I ran into the hospital room he was thrashing and making noises and faces and hitting everyone who came near. I ran up to the bed and when I realized he was not focusing I climbed upon the bed so that I was nose to nose with him, his eyes were looking all around I heard nurses and doctors saying he cannot hear you; he cannot see you; and I heard my daughter saying he may thing you are a hallucination. So I took his face between my hands and I just kept saying I am here I am not your imagination, I love you I am right here and for the briefest of moments his eyes locked with mine then he closed them and he never opened them again.
The eyes have always had it.
One breath, one step, one day at a time