The fighter: Carol Carlie 1/13/47-4/27/08

by Laura Higdon
(Portland Oregon USA)

It has been two years since my mother passed and I still think about her everyday. I was watching Rachel Zoe Project and in the episode they announced Alexander Maqueen death. I remember it happening, but I look up the notice and his mother had passed nine days before from cancer. It made me think and feel for him in a kindred spirit way.

When my mother passed my heart closed and I spent the first year in a daze. I found myself drawn to people who had a similar loss. They understood, it felt like we were in the same club. I wished I could have talked to him, hugged him and told him it will get better. Good days and bad in time it gets easier to talk about. Remember how funny she was and how in her presence I was home.

My mother had crones disease, breast cancer and brain tumor which she survivor-ed for ten years. Then they diagnosed her with lung cancer. She fought and fought and we all took on the intense treatments. She had a complication with blood clots and was put on a thinner. Her tumor shrunk and we thought we had more time, but a vessel burst in her head and the blood thinner made her bleed out. The last night of her life was spent in a coma and all we could do is watch and wait. The worst night of my life and feeling so helpless.

I spent so many years going through all the ups and downs, never really being able to believe it was going to happen. I couldn't let myself. My mom was everything to me, did everything for me and made me who I am. I may not have the life I want or ever the one deep down I feel I deserve, but I know I am a good person. I am smart, pretty funny and have a heart that could hold the world. I just have to let it open again. I also can be stand offish, tough and can release a wicked tongue when needed. For all that is me, I pay tribute to the creator. You get to take responsibility for it all. I hope I made you proud and will continue to amaze you. I still feel you, and hear you say:
Oh, Laura what did you do now!

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