The Heart of Me and My Twin Rosie

by Beverly Strong
(Indianola, MS USA)

My mother Rosie was my foundation, my heart and my best friend. She was born in 1936 and died January 27, 2012. My mom was a proud and independent woman. She was diagnosis with colon cancer in August of 2010. My mom had five children, four boys and one girl me. So we had our up and downs but I let her know that I love her. I’ve been with her my all my life, we went everywhere together. I did what I had to do for her. Now I’m feeling like I didn’t do enough or love enough. When it got bad the doctor wanted to put her in Hospice she and I both said NO. I told the doctor I would take her and that I did. So I went to check on her Thursday night and I knew that she was leaving me because she couldn’t see me but she could hear me. So later that night and I told her, “Mom if you want to go, go ahead and go I will be alright.” when I knew that she was worried about me. Those were the hardest word I had to say in my life and it still hurts me now. So early Friday morning at 9:09 a m my mom left me I was standing at the foot of her bed when she took her last breathe. I couldn’t cry and I just stood there like the wind had been knocked out of me. I just wanted to say even though you are gone I love you and miss you.
How can I stop beating myself up for thinking I didn’t do enough for her.
Comments welcome.

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Jul 27, 2012
I lost my mum the same day
by: Jenney-Lee in Australia

You know its coming you nurse your mum, you watch her deteriorate you know death may come but for some reason you dont believe that they will die.
My mum battled many illnesses since 2005 but she was a battler and did her best to stay with us. In the end she just told me she was tired and had enough. All of her family was around her in her final days and my brother and I were with her at the end. My brother held her in her arms and told her it was alright to let go and that she was there for our first breath and that we were there for her last. The guilt I feel is immense and I wonder if only I had of done this or that. But the truth is it will change nothing. I think about her all the time and hope one day to be with her again. Until then I just survive.

Jul 26, 2012
The Heart of Me and My Twin Rosie
by: Doreen U.K.

Beverley I am sorry for your loss of your mother.
It is human nature to feel anguish over what we didn't do. What we said or didn't say. It is also very much a part of the grief process. Guilt is something that we struggle with but have to overcome. It can take a long time to shed.
I don't think that you should beat yourself up over this. FREE yourself to become the person you were meant to be otherwise all these negative feelings will spoil your personality and cause you to be a different person. Perhaps one you won't like very much or other people not like to be around. Build a winsome nature that will attract people.
I actually am very content that I nursed my husband through the last 3yrs.39days of cancer. I gave him the best care I was able to. I did my best for him throughout our 44yrs. of marriage. That doesn't mean I did everything right all the time or didn't have any regrets. I DID. I just don't let those regrets or disappointments rule my life. I put them to rest because they are past. I can do nothing about them. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't spend less money and save more. That I gave more to charity. I get to do that now. I get to change and redirect my life. I have the FREEDOM to be the person I was meant to be. A GIVER. Of whatever nature. Whether in support to others here on this website. My mission is to encourage others. to do good and be helpfull wherever I can. We still have a human nature that lets us down. Circumstances may let you down. Just get back on track and give yourself a new beginning each day. Let your day start with. " THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS GIVEN. LET ME BE GLAD AND REJOICE IN IT."

Jul 25, 2012
Be Proud
by: Anonymous

Beverley, you had a choice. To say NO to putting your wonderful mom into a Hospice takes incredible courage, commitment and above all else LOVE. I have absolutely no doubt that your mom's last days were immeasurably filled with more love, more kindness and more care than would have ever been possible in even the best hospice in the world. To be there for your mom when she took her last breath takes incredible strength and love. There is no greater act of kindness we can perform in that terrible situation. I speak from my own very recent experience. The pain of that moment is still very raw in my mind.

Beverley, can I suggest that you focus on all the wonderful, kind and loving things you did for your mother. Anything else that you "could" have done will pale into insignificance. Every day is filled with moments of things we could have done differently or more things we could have done. But to give them more than a fleeting thought is to deny all the very special and wonderful things we DID do. Give yourself a hug and reflect on what a wonderful daughter you were for your mom and how proud and grateful she would be for all you did.

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