The hurt won't go away.

by Andrea

My dad passed away on December 19, 2012. He had suffered for so long. I miss him more than I can possibly say. He was full of cancer. My friends tell me he is better off. They all have both of their parents. And I'm sure he is better off not having to suffer anymore. He suffered horribly the last four days. I held his hand as he told me, "I love you Andie". I hadn't been called that since I was a little girl. I'm now 54. I still hear his voice, I still see him gasping for his last breath as he's squeezing my hand. I can't get that picture out of my head.
I left home when I was 17. In all the years I'd been gone, I've been home a total of four times. The guilt of not being there is killing me. I don't have very many happy memories of my childhood. My mother was very abusive. She didn't want to have anything to do with me. You see, the dad I lost wasn't my birth father.My birth father was someone who didn't want me once my mother became pregnant.So, for years she took it out on me. I have since forgiven her. My mother and I had finally started talking about 6 yrs. ago. Around the time my dad got sick. I feel guilty for not going home more than I did and for letting my mother keep me away from family. We live 1200 miles away from each other. Her and I talk a few times a week. We made amends two years ago when I went home. I'm tired of hurting all the time. My husband doesn't understand. He still has his parents. I've always been a loner, a homebody. But now since my dad passed away, it's gotten worse. I don't feel like talking to anybody at all. Thank God for caller ID.
How do I cope with these feelings of despair?

Comments for The hurt won't go away.

Click here to add your own comments

Aug 29, 2012
The hurt won't go away
by: Doreen U.K.

Andrea I am sorry for your loss of your father. I know what you mean. I don't feel like talking at times and glad also I have caller ID and I don't answer the phone if I am not able to. People do understand this. It is part of grieving and not us cutting ourselves off people. We are not happy now and don't feel like talking. We HURT TOO MUCH. People will usually ask us how we are and we would have to lie just so that we don't bore them with the truth that ALL IS NOT WELL WITH US. Our World is now fractured. I lost my husband 4 months ago to cancer. I cared for him for over 3yrs. and had to watch him die slowly. I am glad Steve is not suffering now. But it is still cruel from people to say that to us. Why did they have to get cancer in the first place. Why does LOSS have to HURT SO MUCH. It is much easier for people to have smart answers when they have both their parents. No one can imagine this pain of Loss and grief. Unbearable Sorrow. I also get tired of hurting all the time. I am glad you have your mom in your life now. It is very difficult trying to forge out a relationship when everyone is fractured. Even if you didn't go home often it is a regret we all have. People will just go on busily caught up in the pace of life now and when we pass away they will say the same thing. It almost feels as if it is a cycle of life and we are meant to live like this. I am able to handle most of my REGRETS better. Must come with maturity/life. I wish you better days ahead with your grief and I hope that you will gather new friends and supporters to help you through your difficult days. Try grief counselling. You will be treated sensitively and may even be better than talking to family members.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Dads.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!