The hurt won't go away.
My dad passed away on December 19, 2012. He had suffered for so long. I miss him more than I can possibly say. He was full of cancer. My friends tell me he is better off. They all have both of their parents. And I'm sure he is better off not having to suffer anymore. He suffered horribly the last four days. I held his hand as he told me, "I love you Andie". I hadn't been called that since I was a little girl. I'm now 54. I still hear his voice, I still see him gasping for his last breath as he's squeezing my hand. I can't get that picture out of my head.
I left home when I was 17. In all the years I'd been gone, I've been home a total of four times. The guilt of not being there is killing me. I don't have very many happy memories of my childhood. My mother was very abusive. She didn't want to have anything to do with me. You see, the dad I lost wasn't my birth father.My birth father was someone who didn't want me once my mother became pregnant.So, for years she took it out on me. I have since forgiven her. My mother and I had finally started talking about 6 yrs. ago. Around the time my dad got sick. I feel guilty for not going home more than I did and for letting my mother keep me away from family. We live 1200 miles away from each other. Her and I talk a few times a week. We made amends two years ago when I went home. I'm tired of hurting all the time. My husband doesn't understand. He still has his parents. I've always been a loner, a homebody. But now since my dad passed away, it's gotten worse. I don't feel like talking to anybody at all. Thank God for caller ID.
How do I cope with these feelings of despair?